Suddenly, it just struck me. That my self identity is really based on what others think of me. It's really scary coz when I do think about it, my entire life, the way I do things, how I interact with other people and even the way I handle my life and emotions is freaking dishonest.
Was talking to YT on the bus just now and gave her this analysis on how I'm glad certain things in my life has happened. That it is for the better. That my stupidity is a magnifier for the areas I need to work on in my life.
To borrow a secondary school term: Act mature.
(wtf)
Actually, more like act rational, act brave and act like YT's refrain of "But how could you" was about her anecdote and is not parallel to my stark stupidity. I use the word "stupid", but I actually mean something else... the unidentifiable other. I don't even know what...
It's just freakingly tragic that my life is such a scam. I use words to psyche myself into thinking and seeing things a certain way. Up to a point where I don't know if I'm vocalizing my subconscious, my thoughts and opinion or if I'm using words to sculpt my mind and my feelings in a particular way.
Used to think that I think and process by talking. But now, I think I'm just a super big liar. Lie to myself, lie by personifying a limited side of myself now... lie coz I'm cowardly.
Am I refusing to see the ugly side? Or am I simply exaggerating my reactions coz I have to be a martyr?
On the bus ride home, there was this sadness in me. Tried putting my finger to what it was. Is it coz I'm horrified that I'm actually such a horrible person? Am I grieving for love lost? Is it just loneliness?
So many questions. No answer.
I really really dunno.
And the thing is that, I so very much wish I could cry.
But I can't.
Can't squeeze the tears out. Don't even have the right to...
This hypocrite has realized that her accusations are actually targeted at herself. Even if I didn't mean it, what is done has been done.
I really need to be honest with myself so that I can grow up and move on.
Am so disgusted at myself. Such a wimp...
Wish I can dissolve...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drifting cloud hoping for condensation.
Was talking to YT on the bus just now and gave her this analysis on how I'm glad certain things in my life has happened. That it is for the better. That my stupidity is a magnifier for the areas I need to work on in my life.
To borrow a secondary school term: Act mature.
(wtf)
Actually, more like act rational, act brave and act like YT's refrain of "But how could you" was about her anecdote and is not parallel to my stark stupidity. I use the word "stupid", but I actually mean something else... the unidentifiable other. I don't even know what...
It's just freakingly tragic that my life is such a scam. I use words to psyche myself into thinking and seeing things a certain way. Up to a point where I don't know if I'm vocalizing my subconscious, my thoughts and opinion or if I'm using words to sculpt my mind and my feelings in a particular way.
Used to think that I think and process by talking. But now, I think I'm just a super big liar. Lie to myself, lie by personifying a limited side of myself now... lie coz I'm cowardly.
Am I refusing to see the ugly side? Or am I simply exaggerating my reactions coz I have to be a martyr?
On the bus ride home, there was this sadness in me. Tried putting my finger to what it was. Is it coz I'm horrified that I'm actually such a horrible person? Am I grieving for love lost? Is it just loneliness?
So many questions. No answer.
I really really dunno.
And the thing is that, I so very much wish I could cry.
But I can't.
Can't squeeze the tears out. Don't even have the right to...
This hypocrite has realized that her accusations are actually targeted at herself. Even if I didn't mean it, what is done has been done.
I really need to be honest with myself so that I can grow up and move on.
Am so disgusted at myself. Such a wimp...
Wish I can dissolve...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drifting cloud hoping for condensation.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, November 25, 2004 |
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