Been a couple of days since I've put up anything. Was actually composing an entry in my mind about how I'm now trying to be thankful about everything in my life and also to spread love around. But then, I think dun need liao lah... coz I've done it again.
What?
Be obsessed and brood about stuff one freaking day before my exams! (ref to entry 1)
K, here it goes. I really need to get it out of my system... must admit that I'm kinda apprehensive bout what ppl think (as usual! What is wrong with me?) but then, the need for a solution is actually greater than the fear of repercussion.
Talked to M today and she gave me a real real real honest reality check. (Thanks babe! Think I need a voice in my life that doesn't baby me...)
Started thinking/reflecting/brooding bout the big hooha (at least in my life) with Mr Qi-Sin.
Think I shouldn't call him Qi-sin now... coz ah... I think I'm the more crazy one.(ai... read on to understand why)
Anyway, yesterday was still thinking that I'm quite glad I had the whole fiasco with QS. Coz it made me aware of what I wanted and realized that I actually have very supportive friends around. I still do, but I think now with the brand new paradigm shift, I've come to the conclusion that I'm as much a victimizer as I thought myself a victim.
Went through a hell lot of arguments in my mind about to what extend the whole thing was my fault.
Is it considered leading on if my own feelings were involved? If my feelings were involved, does the fact that I got over so quickly mean that I wasn't sincere in my affections? Am I really ok now in the first place? If I'm ok, why do I feel so much like shit now? Why do I want so much to just cry sitting in the central library computer cluster? (I didn't by the way... in case you're curious...)
Was making him wait a very evil thing? Is a couple of months a very long wait? Did I make him wait thinking that it was pointless? Did my manipulations push him to a point of desperation? Was I manipulating? Was the intention there? Does the initial intention count if I got emotionally dependent?
So my misery is coz of my own stupid hangups? And coz of my stupid hangups I screwed up some nice guy's life? Would he be permanently damaged coz I messed up his mind/life/heart?
It kinda gets into a circular argument after a while doesn't it?
So what should I do now?
Ai... I've reached the same conclusion as my last mistake. Too immature, too self-confident...so not ready to be a "soul-mate"...
The same conclusion.
I have not learnt.
(Hope I really learn the lesson well this time, darn sick of getting retained...)
Until I've fixed the screw ups in my life, I wont' and can't go on screwing up my own and other people's lives.
No little flirtations coz I'm not the smart kind of girl who knows how to play with the distance.
Please let there be no men in my life until "the one".
Please let me not be emotional when people are nice.
Please let me grow up!
Coz I'm still this stupid, silly little girl who thinks she's so smart to play with fire.
I dun need to play with fire to be warm.
Just a blanklet would do.
Thank God for friends.
Thanks M for giving me a wake up call.
Thanks JT for being the receiving end of my obsessive msn msg... (hope you dun think I'm weird)
Drifting back into equilibrium I hope...
What?
Be obsessed and brood about stuff one freaking day before my exams! (ref to entry 1)
K, here it goes. I really need to get it out of my system... must admit that I'm kinda apprehensive bout what ppl think (as usual! What is wrong with me?) but then, the need for a solution is actually greater than the fear of repercussion.
Talked to M today and she gave me a real real real honest reality check. (Thanks babe! Think I need a voice in my life that doesn't baby me...)
Started thinking/reflecting/brooding bout the big hooha (at least in my life) with Mr Qi-Sin.
Think I shouldn't call him Qi-sin now... coz ah... I think I'm the more crazy one.(ai... read on to understand why)
Anyway, yesterday was still thinking that I'm quite glad I had the whole fiasco with QS. Coz it made me aware of what I wanted and realized that I actually have very supportive friends around. I still do, but I think now with the brand new paradigm shift, I've come to the conclusion that I'm as much a victimizer as I thought myself a victim.
Went through a hell lot of arguments in my mind about to what extend the whole thing was my fault.
Is it considered leading on if my own feelings were involved? If my feelings were involved, does the fact that I got over so quickly mean that I wasn't sincere in my affections? Am I really ok now in the first place? If I'm ok, why do I feel so much like shit now? Why do I want so much to just cry sitting in the central library computer cluster? (I didn't by the way... in case you're curious...)
Was making him wait a very evil thing? Is a couple of months a very long wait? Did I make him wait thinking that it was pointless? Did my manipulations push him to a point of desperation? Was I manipulating? Was the intention there? Does the initial intention count if I got emotionally dependent?
So my misery is coz of my own stupid hangups? And coz of my stupid hangups I screwed up some nice guy's life? Would he be permanently damaged coz I messed up his mind/life/heart?
It kinda gets into a circular argument after a while doesn't it?
So what should I do now?
Ai... I've reached the same conclusion as my last mistake. Too immature, too self-confident...so not ready to be a "soul-mate"...
The same conclusion.
I have not learnt.
(Hope I really learn the lesson well this time, darn sick of getting retained...)
Until I've fixed the screw ups in my life, I wont' and can't go on screwing up my own and other people's lives.
No little flirtations coz I'm not the smart kind of girl who knows how to play with the distance.
Please let there be no men in my life until "the one".
Please let me not be emotional when people are nice.
Please let me grow up!
Coz I'm still this stupid, silly little girl who thinks she's so smart to play with fire.
I dun need to play with fire to be warm.
Just a blanklet would do.
Thank God for friends.
Thanks M for giving me a wake up call.
Thanks JT for being the receiving end of my obsessive msn msg... (hope you dun think I'm weird)
Drifting back into equilibrium I hope...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, November 25, 2004 |
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