Thanks to Wendy who helped me upload the memory card... you can see some of the pics I took at:
www.imagestation.com
user id: angels-in-india
password: angel5
don't transfer my face unto naked bodies ah...
haha...
www.imagestation.com
user id: angels-in-india
password: angel5
don't transfer my face unto naked bodies ah...
haha...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
0 comments
I think I’ve changed. It struck me today while out with Bel that I’m no longer the person I was at 16. I’ve always thought that my secondary school years were the years that made the most impact and changes in my life. But looking back, I’ve discovered that after NY, in comparison to my girlfriends who went through the same academic black hole, I have, or we have all grown and developed drastically in different directions.
Can’t remember where I read this, but some friend commented that you know you’ve grown up when your friends start getting married and you start receiving red eggs. A childhood friend of mine, someone I consider a peer and a friend is getting married this coming Jan. Shopping today was enlightening…not because of what I got, (I didn’t really buy anything) but coz the combination of events, observations made and conversation today gave me a tap-on-the-forehead awareness that I’m really actually a grown up.
Walking around in Taka/Wisma, trying to spot some eye candy, I found myself classifying the cute late teens in the “kids” category. No more laments that I was born too early, now cute young guys are just simply in another world altogether. Like looking at handsome children you know, one just looks, the thought of possessing them don’t even remotely cross your mind. (else u risk being pedophilic!) And NSF walking around was just plain eyesore. Their round botak heads were such a turn off...ha…Such a huge contrast to the adolescent Omigosh!-He’s-in-NS worship…
But whilst sitting at Mac’s, having a/the meaningful conversation with Bel that I think I reached greater understanding of who I am.
I’m at a point where I don’t criticize girlfriends for being too attached and sticky with their boyfriends because I’ve also been overly engrossed with the romantic interests in my life. (It really isn’t easy to lead independent lives coz there are just too many unaccountable external and internal factors.)
I make comments like how people need degrees to survive in the world coz I’m conscious that education truly is a form of fiscal and social security. This is really strange coming from a notorious slacker/ teacher’s nightmare from primary school all the way to JC. (A clause: I know the certificate is not the be all and end all, but it sure is useful.)
I have come to terms that I’m not as intelligent some of my friends and I can live with that. I just mug a bit more and expect less of my CAP.
My life may not be the most exciting and “happening” but I’m glad that I have little episodes in my life, nothing overly dramatic and non-reversal please. It’s ok that my lifestyle seems goody-two-shoes to some, coz I’m no longer trying to make a statement, neither am I differentiating myself by being non-worldly/secular. I just want to do something meaningful, to make an impact in Life (with the capital L). Trying to look at the big picture you know… At the moment before I close my eyes, can I say that I’ve lived to the best of my abilities?
Idealistic? Maybe… but I’m also just tired of cynicism.
In India, Hoe made a comment along the lines of young(e)r girls assuming that they’re very mature when in fact they’re not really so. I agreed… so I’m actually stuck in a bit of a paradox here. On one hand, I’m self proclaiming to be more mature than I was. This then puts me in the category of over self-estimation. Then again, I realize that I’m not mature enough in many aspects of things: self motivation, responsibility, discipline and (I can’t escape it…ugh!) relationships. This means that all the growth that I thought I made would then be discounted.
So this is what maturity is to me today: Being positively realistic.
Hah… easy to say but difficult to maintain.
There’s a fine line between brooding, reflection and meditation. Brooding is when one keeps thinking about the issues in one’s life. Reflection is when one thinks about the issues in a positive and constructive light. Meditation is when reflection is laced with divine enlightenment.
I’ve reflected today.
Have you?
Can’t remember where I read this, but some friend commented that you know you’ve grown up when your friends start getting married and you start receiving red eggs. A childhood friend of mine, someone I consider a peer and a friend is getting married this coming Jan. Shopping today was enlightening…not because of what I got, (I didn’t really buy anything) but coz the combination of events, observations made and conversation today gave me a tap-on-the-forehead awareness that I’m really actually a grown up.
Walking around in Taka/Wisma, trying to spot some eye candy, I found myself classifying the cute late teens in the “kids” category. No more laments that I was born too early, now cute young guys are just simply in another world altogether. Like looking at handsome children you know, one just looks, the thought of possessing them don’t even remotely cross your mind. (else u risk being pedophilic!) And NSF walking around was just plain eyesore. Their round botak heads were such a turn off...ha…Such a huge contrast to the adolescent Omigosh!-He’s-in-NS worship…
But whilst sitting at Mac’s, having a/the meaningful conversation with Bel that I think I reached greater understanding of who I am.
I’m at a point where I don’t criticize girlfriends for being too attached and sticky with their boyfriends because I’ve also been overly engrossed with the romantic interests in my life. (It really isn’t easy to lead independent lives coz there are just too many unaccountable external and internal factors.)
I make comments like how people need degrees to survive in the world coz I’m conscious that education truly is a form of fiscal and social security. This is really strange coming from a notorious slacker/ teacher’s nightmare from primary school all the way to JC. (A clause: I know the certificate is not the be all and end all, but it sure is useful.)
I have come to terms that I’m not as intelligent some of my friends and I can live with that. I just mug a bit more and expect less of my CAP.
My life may not be the most exciting and “happening” but I’m glad that I have little episodes in my life, nothing overly dramatic and non-reversal please. It’s ok that my lifestyle seems goody-two-shoes to some, coz I’m no longer trying to make a statement, neither am I differentiating myself by being non-worldly/secular. I just want to do something meaningful, to make an impact in Life (with the capital L). Trying to look at the big picture you know… At the moment before I close my eyes, can I say that I’ve lived to the best of my abilities?
Idealistic? Maybe… but I’m also just tired of cynicism.
In India, Hoe made a comment along the lines of young(e)r girls assuming that they’re very mature when in fact they’re not really so. I agreed… so I’m actually stuck in a bit of a paradox here. On one hand, I’m self proclaiming to be more mature than I was. This then puts me in the category of over self-estimation. Then again, I realize that I’m not mature enough in many aspects of things: self motivation, responsibility, discipline and (I can’t escape it…ugh!) relationships. This means that all the growth that I thought I made would then be discounted.
So this is what maturity is to me today: Being positively realistic.
Hah… easy to say but difficult to maintain.
There’s a fine line between brooding, reflection and meditation. Brooding is when one keeps thinking about the issues in one’s life. Reflection is when one thinks about the issues in a positive and constructive light. Meditation is when reflection is laced with divine enlightenment.
I’ve reflected today.
Have you?
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
1 comments
Me and my Angel when I look less fat. Ha... face's oily though... haha... I'm a nit-picker... where're the photoshop experts? A special mention to my angel Iggy coz he was the best angel in the team. I had lots of presents and surprises in the 20 days... was the envy of everybody. Hee... *gleeful look*... Just a couple of anecdotes. During one R&R, after I lost my water bottle, he saw that I was thristy and got me a drink and snack and got someone to pass it to me...one night, while I was trying to get to sleep, I opened my sleeping bag to find a box of chocolates. Just a couple of examples of sweet blessings from my Angel... Iggy's gf is one lucky girl! That guy has lots of tricks/romantic gestures up his sleeve man...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
0 comments
That's me and my super sweet Angel freezing away in Darjeeling. In the background you see the Himalayan Mountains!! Me saw Everest with my naked eyes can? Must add in a disclaimer... I look super fat/stuffed coz I was wearing ten thousand layers. Darn cold there and I don't know photoshop. Ha...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
0 comments
There are so many things I have to say about the trip to India that I don’t really know where to begin. So I guess a good place to start is by saying that I don’t know how to start. Hah… little ironies of life.
K, some mandatory updates for “concerned” friends. (Euphemistic use of the word. You guys are just plain old kaypo… ha…) Nope, no holiday romance for me. No crushes, no love interest. This is quite cool really… YEPs are notorious for being SDU-ic and despite my facilitation/manipulations to promote couple-dom in the team, there just wasn’t any love birds… Sigh… sorry Edwina! =)
Ha… but the coolest part is that everybody just focused their capacity to love equally on every other member of the team. So I can honestly say that with an exception of a couple of people who tend to stick together, everyone else was one huge clique. You can put any combination of individuals together and they can just talk… fantastic!
Of course, me being me have reservations to the degree of closeness the team will maintain after coming back to Singapore. Even though we’re all on this post-YEP high, the fact that there are no particularly close people reduces the probability of having people who will make an extra effort to meet up. Like PA4, I had HT and HD whom became really good friends even though I can’t say I’m very close to the other PA4 ppl. This time round… dunno leh… better not have my hopes to high. Dun wanna be disappointed. See how things go lor…fate? (sidenote: I keep using ‘fate’ but I don’t actually believe in it. Too much literature I think… and more Hardy next sem! Oh no…)
Speaking of friends, I think the most unexpected thing within the group was that the apparently most boring, geeky looking guy became the most missed member of the group. Yes, smart Alex… haha…(I know it’s over-used and corny) I’m now reading the old entries of his blog. Most intelligently sarcastic fellow… heh… no link provided coz I respect privacy. *high brow look* and nooo… I’m not obsessing… not yet… hee.
I bua my own gu you… (translated to I spread my own butter. This PA5/Science Club jargon…lit major thinks that butter’s symbolic of deliciously sinful gossip that spreads easily?? )
Hmm… and yea…an associated random thought… regarding my previous post bout QS and all. I think I’m ok now. Coz I’ve forgotten his hp no… yea, try as I might, I really can’t remember his number. Plus the fact that when I was in India while attending Mass at Mother House (that’s the Mother Theresa’s Missions of Charity place) I reached a “divine” enlightenment of sorts. But I’ll leave that till next time.
It’s getting late and I think this entry’s long enough.
Heh… teaser…
K, some mandatory updates for “concerned” friends. (Euphemistic use of the word. You guys are just plain old kaypo… ha…) Nope, no holiday romance for me. No crushes, no love interest. This is quite cool really… YEPs are notorious for being SDU-ic and despite my facilitation/manipulations to promote couple-dom in the team, there just wasn’t any love birds… Sigh… sorry Edwina! =)
Ha… but the coolest part is that everybody just focused their capacity to love equally on every other member of the team. So I can honestly say that with an exception of a couple of people who tend to stick together, everyone else was one huge clique. You can put any combination of individuals together and they can just talk… fantastic!
Of course, me being me have reservations to the degree of closeness the team will maintain after coming back to Singapore. Even though we’re all on this post-YEP high, the fact that there are no particularly close people reduces the probability of having people who will make an extra effort to meet up. Like PA4, I had HT and HD whom became really good friends even though I can’t say I’m very close to the other PA4 ppl. This time round… dunno leh… better not have my hopes to high. Dun wanna be disappointed. See how things go lor…fate? (sidenote: I keep using ‘fate’ but I don’t actually believe in it. Too much literature I think… and more Hardy next sem! Oh no…)
Speaking of friends, I think the most unexpected thing within the group was that the apparently most boring, geeky looking guy became the most missed member of the group. Yes, smart Alex… haha…(I know it’s over-used and corny) I’m now reading the old entries of his blog. Most intelligently sarcastic fellow… heh… no link provided coz I respect privacy. *high brow look* and nooo… I’m not obsessing… not yet… hee.
I bua my own gu you… (translated to I spread my own butter. This PA5/Science Club jargon…lit major thinks that butter’s symbolic of deliciously sinful gossip that spreads easily?? )
Hmm… and yea…an associated random thought… regarding my previous post bout QS and all. I think I’m ok now. Coz I’ve forgotten his hp no… yea, try as I might, I really can’t remember his number. Plus the fact that when I was in India while attending Mass at Mother House (that’s the Mother Theresa’s Missions of Charity place) I reached a “divine” enlightenment of sorts. But I’ll leave that till next time.
It’s getting late and I think this entry’s long enough.
Heh… teaser…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
0 comments
In compensation and to add to the glam factor, here's a shot of the Miss DC pagent. Yours truely is 5th from left...*bleahz* it's according to height...*sulks*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, December 29, 2004 |
0 comments
A totally unglam pic of me totally concussed in transit (Bangkok). Thanks for sacrificing the jacket Hoe!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, December 29, 2004 |
0 comments
Finally back from India… feeling kinda ill now: cough, nausea, loose bowels… but nevertheless glad coz I finally have the luxury to be sick. Hee…
*indignant* Hey!
It’s been tough leading a team of 25 highly capable and intelligent people k? The least I can do is be physically strongest right?
*bellows*
K, no more updates and juicy details until I feel better. This is just to let those concerned ppl know that the tsunami didn’t sweep me away… Thanks Kapo, Clara, XS, JY, Qiunan, Michael for specifically msging me to ask if I was ok. It was a really thoughtful gesture. Appreciate it…
Before I go, a bit of a teaser: Look forward to corny photos, scandalous stories, emotional soul searching and lots more…
Ha!
The Soap Opera of my life… (As I say to Alex, I dramatize my boring life…)
Meanwhile…Ugh!
Joining the ranks of the pukey girls…
Drifting off coz my stench from the lack of baths is putting me out…
*indignant* Hey!
It’s been tough leading a team of 25 highly capable and intelligent people k? The least I can do is be physically strongest right?
*bellows*
K, no more updates and juicy details until I feel better. This is just to let those concerned ppl know that the tsunami didn’t sweep me away… Thanks Kapo, Clara, XS, JY, Qiunan, Michael for specifically msging me to ask if I was ok. It was a really thoughtful gesture. Appreciate it…
Before I go, a bit of a teaser: Look forward to corny photos, scandalous stories, emotional soul searching and lots more…
Ha!
The Soap Opera of my life… (As I say to Alex, I dramatize my boring life…)
Meanwhile…Ugh!
Joining the ranks of the pukey girls…
Drifting off coz my stench from the lack of baths is putting me out…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, December 28, 2004 |
0 comments
Finally finished packing… went online to sort through my modules for next year and then mucked around looking at other people’s blogs. Seems like most people just park online… so, nothing much scandalous to read.
Hmm… going to India tomorrow… After a whole semester of planning for it, scheduling around interviews/meetings etc. I’m at long last going.
Was actually quite excited but as the night grew longer, well… the usual correlation happens.
A large part of my semester was spent structured around QS as well and my relationship (using the word loosely) with QS was tied very much to “after India trip”. Be it the initial optimism or the later trying-to-be-amiable resolution.
So going to India is in a sense the last bit of closure for me. There’s always the “after India” bit later. Am kinda afraid that I’ll break down and cry in India. It happened last year in Vietnam as well… and that time was coz of love lost too. Parallels so uncanny often scare me… hope they don’t return to haunt me again…
But this time, in India, I have responsibilities at hand. A leader is not supposed to let her personal emotions get into the way of official duties. I must be professional! I will! I can!
*hrmph*
Yes.
Wish me luck, keep me in prayers…
And I’ll see you again after the 28th.
Drifting off to dreamland… and then to another land…
Hmm… going to India tomorrow… After a whole semester of planning for it, scheduling around interviews/meetings etc. I’m at long last going.
Was actually quite excited but as the night grew longer, well… the usual correlation happens.
A large part of my semester was spent structured around QS as well and my relationship (using the word loosely) with QS was tied very much to “after India trip”. Be it the initial optimism or the later trying-to-be-amiable resolution.
So going to India is in a sense the last bit of closure for me. There’s always the “after India” bit later. Am kinda afraid that I’ll break down and cry in India. It happened last year in Vietnam as well… and that time was coz of love lost too. Parallels so uncanny often scare me… hope they don’t return to haunt me again…
But this time, in India, I have responsibilities at hand. A leader is not supposed to let her personal emotions get into the way of official duties. I must be professional! I will! I can!
*hrmph*
Yes.
Wish me luck, keep me in prayers…
And I’ll see you again after the 28th.
Drifting off to dreamland… and then to another land…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, December 08, 2004 |
1 comments
I’m in a gorgeous, beautiful, perfect mood today. Lalala…(So Hongda… Hee.) Let’s try and describe it. Lemme see… happy, excited, grin-y, exuberant, accomplished and… hmm… happy...just happy lah… Ha…
Why? Coz I went on a major shopping trip today!
Yeah!
Not to mention the fact that, it was almost totally subsidized! (Just like YEP… haha) coz I went with my mom!
Ho! Ho! Ho! (Merry Xmas everybody!)
How do I procure thee? Let me count the hoard…
1 black rugged look BUM skirt
1 army green top
1 purple deep V top
1 pleated green short cute skirt
In addition, I’ve got this super cute Cinderella tee (from the Kid’s department k? Woo-hoo!) hanging in my wardrobe. Also have my brand new PA5 polo tee there…
My my… Lurve the smell of brand new clothes.
*breathes in deeply*
Ahhh…
Have been so so so very deprived of shopping this term and the sudden haul of new apparels are like a god-send. Like the parched earth greedily absorbing the fat globules of raindrops after a long drought. Like the trees celebrating and dancing in the rejuvenating rain. Like, like…like I’m getting a little carried away by the imageries here.
Oops…
But know what? The best part is…
I’ll be doing more shopping tomorrow!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Zara jacket here I come! Guess belt! Popular! (er...a bit off. but for faciliation stuff lah)
I mean, do you feel my joy? Am I sharing the cheer of Xmas around already? All that materialistic, capitalist, exploitative consumerism?
I’m sorry. I’m shallow. I love to shop. So shoot me…
*bleahz*
But I’m also sure glad for Christmas. Coz without Christmas, I won’t have the strength to go on when faced with difficulties. (and I’m not just talking about retail therapy) Coz Christmas marks the day when the one who loves me most is born and begins His journey to be victorious and hence empower me whenever I’m down.
Sure glad to be a drifting cloud today coz I’m then closer to heaven.
*smilez*
Why? Coz I went on a major shopping trip today!
Yeah!
Not to mention the fact that, it was almost totally subsidized! (Just like YEP… haha) coz I went with my mom!
Ho! Ho! Ho! (Merry Xmas everybody!)
How do I procure thee? Let me count the hoard…
1 black rugged look BUM skirt
1 army green top
1 purple deep V top
1 pleated green short cute skirt
In addition, I’ve got this super cute Cinderella tee (from the Kid’s department k? Woo-hoo!) hanging in my wardrobe. Also have my brand new PA5 polo tee there…
My my… Lurve the smell of brand new clothes.
*breathes in deeply*
Ahhh…
Have been so so so very deprived of shopping this term and the sudden haul of new apparels are like a god-send. Like the parched earth greedily absorbing the fat globules of raindrops after a long drought. Like the trees celebrating and dancing in the rejuvenating rain. Like, like…like I’m getting a little carried away by the imageries here.
Oops…
But know what? The best part is…
I’ll be doing more shopping tomorrow!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Zara jacket here I come! Guess belt! Popular! (er...a bit off. but for faciliation stuff lah)
I mean, do you feel my joy? Am I sharing the cheer of Xmas around already? All that materialistic, capitalist, exploitative consumerism?
I’m sorry. I’m shallow. I love to shop. So shoot me…
*bleahz*
But I’m also sure glad for Christmas. Coz without Christmas, I won’t have the strength to go on when faced with difficulties. (and I’m not just talking about retail therapy) Coz Christmas marks the day when the one who loves me most is born and begins His journey to be victorious and hence empower me whenever I’m down.
Sure glad to be a drifting cloud today coz I’m then closer to heaven.
*smilez*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, December 07, 2004 |
1 comments
Haven’t been posting anything for the last couple of days coz post-exams activities have been ultra hectic!
But when I do think bout it (before typing it down), I didn’t really DO anything much. Except that meeting people took up blocks of time…case of magnified business…mind plays tricks on you…
Side notes: some mandatory updates… went to eat steam boat buffet!
Zheng Fa Seafood you know? The one with lobster larger than 2 year old girl… Ha… so many of my friends can recite that advertisement. Can you?
If you scroll down a bit, you’ll see this post when I said that I mainly blog when I’m sad. So since I’m not putting up all those long entries, then as my friend (only selective ppl get invited to my space ya…) you should be glad for me rite? Rite?
So one day, when you come unto my piece of the sky and see an entry you’ve read before from long long ago. Please be happy for me ya? Coz then I might be successful, contented with life, hopelessly in love, emotionally strong, loved at home, cherished, respected…
Hmm… so is that perfection for me?
For you?
Drifting cloud curious to see where the wind will bring me…
In an ironic way, there really is a tinge of sadness in every post. Can hide but can’t run from it… ha…
Well, to quote my own good advice to a friend: (show-off yea?)
Problems won’t pass because problems are things which are inanimate. For problems to pass, people must move.
Moving on…
Drifting on…
But when I do think bout it (before typing it down), I didn’t really DO anything much. Except that meeting people took up blocks of time…case of magnified business…mind plays tricks on you…
Side notes: some mandatory updates… went to eat steam boat buffet!
Zheng Fa Seafood you know? The one with lobster larger than 2 year old girl… Ha… so many of my friends can recite that advertisement. Can you?
If you scroll down a bit, you’ll see this post when I said that I mainly blog when I’m sad. So since I’m not putting up all those long entries, then as my friend (only selective ppl get invited to my space ya…) you should be glad for me rite? Rite?
So one day, when you come unto my piece of the sky and see an entry you’ve read before from long long ago. Please be happy for me ya? Coz then I might be successful, contented with life, hopelessly in love, emotionally strong, loved at home, cherished, respected…
Hmm… so is that perfection for me?
For you?
Drifting cloud curious to see where the wind will bring me…
In an ironic way, there really is a tinge of sadness in every post. Can hide but can’t run from it… ha…
Well, to quote my own good advice to a friend: (show-off yea?)
Problems won’t pass because problems are things which are inanimate. For problems to pass, people must move.
Moving on…
Drifting on…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, December 06, 2004 |
0 comments
Ok, I take that back.
I don’t suck. Some times I lick and nibble or bite but I don’t suck.
And I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about… ;p
Hah… that’s the end of the humor of the day. So if you’re one of those people who read my platform and think that I write too long and chim, you can just scroll down and add a comment now.
K, I must explain why I keep bugging people to leave comments. When one’s bearing one’s heart to the public, although it is to a selected few people, there is nevertheless this great curiosity to know who reads your stuff. I haven’t figured out why I’m so curious yet but at the mean time, before I go get a counter, just take it as you’re answering me k? Anyway, I always sound like I’m talking to someone anyway.
Think this constant conversation betrays what’s lacking in me.
(OMG! It’s starting again!
Told you not to expect any more tongue in cheek stuff right?)
Spent the entire after-exams-day at home… Was actually thinking I’ll be a good daughter and stay at home, do laundry and accompany my mother. But in the end, my mom’s more happening, went out with her friend. Ha…
But must quantify, it’s not that I have no friends (I’m not that much of a loser…yet) but it’s just that I felt so unmotivated and bored and stoned and generally too sian to even go shopping.
You know how serious that is? Too sian to go shopping… it’s like too tired to breathe, too parched to drink, no appetite to eat the most delicious, mouthwatering piece of hand molded chocolate… A sign that something’s really wrong…
I think I’m lonely. Really. When I’m left alone at home, I feel so empty. Gotta watch meaningless, boring tv programs or go online to talk to people or listen to cds… just can’t live with myself, alone.
Since childhood, my mom has been telling me that people who can’t just be still and enjoy their own co
I don’t suck. Some times I lick and nibble or bite but I don’t suck.
And I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about… ;p
Hah… that’s the end of the humor of the day. So if you’re one of those people who read my platform and think that I write too long and chim, you can just scroll down and add a comment now.
K, I must explain why I keep bugging people to leave comments. When one’s bearing one’s heart to the public, although it is to a selected few people, there is nevertheless this great curiosity to know who reads your stuff. I haven’t figured out why I’m so curious yet but at the mean time, before I go get a counter, just take it as you’re answering me k? Anyway, I always sound like I’m talking to someone anyway.
Think this constant conversation betrays what’s lacking in me.
(OMG! It’s starting again!
Told you not to expect any more tongue in cheek stuff right?)
Spent the entire after-exams-day at home… Was actually thinking I’ll be a good daughter and stay at home, do laundry and accompany my mother. But in the end, my mom’s more happening, went out with her friend. Ha…
But must quantify, it’s not that I have no friends (I’m not that much of a loser…yet) but it’s just that I felt so unmotivated and bored and stoned and generally too sian to even go shopping.
You know how serious that is? Too sian to go shopping… it’s like too tired to breathe, too parched to drink, no appetite to eat the most delicious, mouthwatering piece of hand molded chocolate… A sign that something’s really wrong…
I think I’m lonely. Really. When I’m left alone at home, I feel so empty. Gotta watch meaningless, boring tv programs or go online to talk to people or listen to cds… just can’t live with myself, alone.
Since childhood, my mom has been telling me that people who can’t just be still and enjoy their own co
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, December 03, 2004 |
1 comments
Ok, I take that back.
I don’t suck. Some times I lick and nibble or bite but I don’t suck.
And I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about… ;p
Hah… that’s the end of the humor of the day. So if you’re one of those people who read my platform and think that I write too long and chim, you can just scroll down and add a comment now.
K, I must explain why I keep bugging people to leave comments. When one’s bearing one’s heart to the public, although it is to a selected few people, there is nevertheless this great curiosity to know who reads your stuff. I haven’t figured out why I’m so curious yet but at the mean time, before I go get a counter, just take it as you’re answering me k? Anyway, I always sound like I’m talking to someone anyway.
Think this constant conversation betrays what’s lacking in me.
(OMG! It’s starting again!
Told you not to expect any more tongue in cheek stuff right?)
Spent the entire after-exams-day at home… Was actually thinking I’ll be a good daughter and stay at home, do laundry and accompany my mother. But in the end, my mom’s more happening, went out with her friend. Ha…
But must quantify, it’s not that I have no friends (I’m not that much of a loser…yet) but it’s just that I felt so unmotivated and bored and stoned and generally too sian to even go shopping.
You know how serious that is? Too sian to go shopping… it’s like too tired to breathe, too parched to drink, no appetite to eat the most delicious, mouthwatering piece of hand molded chocolate… A sign that something’s really wrong…
I think I’m lonely. Really. When I’m left alone at home, I feel so empty. Gotta watch meaningless, boring tv programs or go online to talk to people or listen to cds… just can’t live with myself, alone.
Since childhood, my mom has been telling me that people who can’t just be still and enjoy their own company are people who have no inner peace. Well, I agree.
At first I thought my moodiness was coz I have yet to get over QS. I mean I do torture myself by thinking that he must be happily out with his gf everyday now while I’m like mopey and all. Then I perversely go through a thousand and one scenarios of what I’ll do if I bump into them in town. Especially yesterday when I was in town, one moment I was trying to be crazy and happy, then the next moment, I’ll be all quiet and pensive. Think there must be someoneS who can identify with this…
But today, when I really think about it, despite what I say about hating love, (I actually took it out on this pink heart care bear…. Haha… and a salesgirl who tried to sell me some overpriced watch with mushy lovey messages on it… poor things!) I think I deliberately want to be cynical so that I won’t be such a wuss. It’s much easier being angry and spiteful and cynical than all squishy and sentimental.
So, for the moment…
“Hah! Who needs love?”
*Poke stupid pink hearts care bear*
“I hate love!”
*Abuse pink hearts care bear some more*
(I kid you not, this really happened at Taka Square yesterday. A true story reenacted online for you. But I bought a big green star care bear though… so cuuuuttteeee… Hee)
I was Miss hard-as-nails for a very long time, all through Secondary school and JC. Then, I changed. I honestly think that when I’m nice and kind and gentle and non-judgmental (or at least more successful in my attempts), I’m a much better person. I like myself better that way too.
There’s a Dr J and Mr H in all of us I suppose. I mean I am aware that I fail in being that person I aspire to be because of my fallen nature. Then, just now as my mom came to talk to me, it really struck the depths of my heart that my very struggle is a witness to the fact that I’m alive; That I don’t have to be guilty/ashamed in admitting my repeated failures to get a grip on myself. Coz only dead things don’t struggle, and I’m alive and growing. (in more than one dimension… yikes!)
And I’m glad. I see hope at this moment, that when I’m done with my struggles, I’ll emerge a better and stronger person. More beautiful on the inside…
Gosh, this radiating contractions of my heart. Is it joy?
Wow!
This bit of cloud is sure glad that ethereal light is shining through…
I don’t suck. Some times I lick and nibble or bite but I don’t suck.
And I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about… ;p
Hah… that’s the end of the humor of the day. So if you’re one of those people who read my platform and think that I write too long and chim, you can just scroll down and add a comment now.
K, I must explain why I keep bugging people to leave comments. When one’s bearing one’s heart to the public, although it is to a selected few people, there is nevertheless this great curiosity to know who reads your stuff. I haven’t figured out why I’m so curious yet but at the mean time, before I go get a counter, just take it as you’re answering me k? Anyway, I always sound like I’m talking to someone anyway.
Think this constant conversation betrays what’s lacking in me.
(OMG! It’s starting again!
Told you not to expect any more tongue in cheek stuff right?)
Spent the entire after-exams-day at home… Was actually thinking I’ll be a good daughter and stay at home, do laundry and accompany my mother. But in the end, my mom’s more happening, went out with her friend. Ha…
But must quantify, it’s not that I have no friends (I’m not that much of a loser…yet) but it’s just that I felt so unmotivated and bored and stoned and generally too sian to even go shopping.
You know how serious that is? Too sian to go shopping… it’s like too tired to breathe, too parched to drink, no appetite to eat the most delicious, mouthwatering piece of hand molded chocolate… A sign that something’s really wrong…
I think I’m lonely. Really. When I’m left alone at home, I feel so empty. Gotta watch meaningless, boring tv programs or go online to talk to people or listen to cds… just can’t live with myself, alone.
Since childhood, my mom has been telling me that people who can’t just be still and enjoy their own company are people who have no inner peace. Well, I agree.
At first I thought my moodiness was coz I have yet to get over QS. I mean I do torture myself by thinking that he must be happily out with his gf everyday now while I’m like mopey and all. Then I perversely go through a thousand and one scenarios of what I’ll do if I bump into them in town. Especially yesterday when I was in town, one moment I was trying to be crazy and happy, then the next moment, I’ll be all quiet and pensive. Think there must be someoneS who can identify with this…
But today, when I really think about it, despite what I say about hating love, (I actually took it out on this pink heart care bear…. Haha… and a salesgirl who tried to sell me some overpriced watch with mushy lovey messages on it… poor things!) I think I deliberately want to be cynical so that I won’t be such a wuss. It’s much easier being angry and spiteful and cynical than all squishy and sentimental.
So, for the moment…
“Hah! Who needs love?”
*Poke stupid pink hearts care bear*
“I hate love!”
*Abuse pink hearts care bear some more*
(I kid you not, this really happened at Taka Square yesterday. A true story reenacted online for you. But I bought a big green star care bear though… so cuuuuttteeee… Hee)
I was Miss hard-as-nails for a very long time, all through Secondary school and JC. Then, I changed. I honestly think that when I’m nice and kind and gentle and non-judgmental (or at least more successful in my attempts), I’m a much better person. I like myself better that way too.
There’s a Dr J and Mr H in all of us I suppose. I mean I am aware that I fail in being that person I aspire to be because of my fallen nature. Then, just now as my mom came to talk to me, it really struck the depths of my heart that my very struggle is a witness to the fact that I’m alive; That I don’t have to be guilty/ashamed in admitting my repeated failures to get a grip on myself. Coz only dead things don’t struggle, and I’m alive and growing. (in more than one dimension… yikes!)
And I’m glad. I see hope at this moment, that when I’m done with my struggles, I’ll emerge a better and stronger person. More beautiful on the inside…
Gosh, this radiating contractions of my heart. Is it joy?
Wow!
This bit of cloud is sure glad that ethereal light is shining through…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, December 03, 2004 |
2 comments
I am sick and tired of myself. Aren’t you tired of me too? Always going on and on and on about some vague issue.
Yucks.
You suck.
Rhymes too!
Self acceptance, as they say, is the best solution to a problem.
Yucks.
You suck.
Rhymes too!
Self acceptance, as they say, is the best solution to a problem.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 02, 2004 |
0 comments
