Ok, I take that back.
I don’t suck. Some times I lick and nibble or bite but I don’t suck.
And I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about… ;p
Hah… that’s the end of the humor of the day. So if you’re one of those people who read my platform and think that I write too long and chim, you can just scroll down and add a comment now.
K, I must explain why I keep bugging people to leave comments. When one’s bearing one’s heart to the public, although it is to a selected few people, there is nevertheless this great curiosity to know who reads your stuff. I haven’t figured out why I’m so curious yet but at the mean time, before I go get a counter, just take it as you’re answering me k? Anyway, I always sound like I’m talking to someone anyway.
Think this constant conversation betrays what’s lacking in me.
(OMG! It’s starting again!
Told you not to expect any more tongue in cheek stuff right?)
Spent the entire after-exams-day at home… Was actually thinking I’ll be a good daughter and stay at home, do laundry and accompany my mother. But in the end, my mom’s more happening, went out with her friend. Ha…
But must quantify, it’s not that I have no friends (I’m not that much of a loser…yet) but it’s just that I felt so unmotivated and bored and stoned and generally too sian to even go shopping.
You know how serious that is? Too sian to go shopping… it’s like too tired to breathe, too parched to drink, no appetite to eat the most delicious, mouthwatering piece of hand molded chocolate… A sign that something’s really wrong…
I think I’m lonely. Really. When I’m left alone at home, I feel so empty. Gotta watch meaningless, boring tv programs or go online to talk to people or listen to cds… just can’t live with myself, alone.
Since childhood, my mom has been telling me that people who can’t just be still and enjoy their own company are people who have no inner peace. Well, I agree.
At first I thought my moodiness was coz I have yet to get over QS. I mean I do torture myself by thinking that he must be happily out with his gf everyday now while I’m like mopey and all. Then I perversely go through a thousand and one scenarios of what I’ll do if I bump into them in town. Especially yesterday when I was in town, one moment I was trying to be crazy and happy, then the next moment, I’ll be all quiet and pensive. Think there must be someoneS who can identify with this…
But today, when I really think about it, despite what I say about hating love, (I actually took it out on this pink heart care bear…. Haha… and a salesgirl who tried to sell me some overpriced watch with mushy lovey messages on it… poor things!) I think I deliberately want to be cynical so that I won’t be such a wuss. It’s much easier being angry and spiteful and cynical than all squishy and sentimental.
So, for the moment…
“Hah! Who needs love?”
*Poke stupid pink hearts care bear*
“I hate love!”
*Abuse pink hearts care bear some more*
(I kid you not, this really happened at Taka Square yesterday. A true story reenacted online for you. But I bought a big green star care bear though… so cuuuuttteeee… Hee)
I was Miss hard-as-nails for a very long time, all through Secondary school and JC. Then, I changed. I honestly think that when I’m nice and kind and gentle and non-judgmental (or at least more successful in my attempts), I’m a much better person. I like myself better that way too.
There’s a Dr J and Mr H in all of us I suppose. I mean I am aware that I fail in being that person I aspire to be because of my fallen nature. Then, just now as my mom came to talk to me, it really struck the depths of my heart that my very struggle is a witness to the fact that I’m alive; That I don’t have to be guilty/ashamed in admitting my repeated failures to get a grip on myself. Coz only dead things don’t struggle, and I’m alive and growing. (in more than one dimension… yikes!)
And I’m glad. I see hope at this moment, that when I’m done with my struggles, I’ll emerge a better and stronger person. More beautiful on the inside…
Gosh, this radiating contractions of my heart. Is it joy?
Wow!
This bit of cloud is sure glad that ethereal light is shining through…
I don’t suck. Some times I lick and nibble or bite but I don’t suck.
And I don’t want to know what you’re thinking about… ;p
Hah… that’s the end of the humor of the day. So if you’re one of those people who read my platform and think that I write too long and chim, you can just scroll down and add a comment now.
K, I must explain why I keep bugging people to leave comments. When one’s bearing one’s heart to the public, although it is to a selected few people, there is nevertheless this great curiosity to know who reads your stuff. I haven’t figured out why I’m so curious yet but at the mean time, before I go get a counter, just take it as you’re answering me k? Anyway, I always sound like I’m talking to someone anyway.
Think this constant conversation betrays what’s lacking in me.
(OMG! It’s starting again!
Told you not to expect any more tongue in cheek stuff right?)
Spent the entire after-exams-day at home… Was actually thinking I’ll be a good daughter and stay at home, do laundry and accompany my mother. But in the end, my mom’s more happening, went out with her friend. Ha…
But must quantify, it’s not that I have no friends (I’m not that much of a loser…yet) but it’s just that I felt so unmotivated and bored and stoned and generally too sian to even go shopping.
You know how serious that is? Too sian to go shopping… it’s like too tired to breathe, too parched to drink, no appetite to eat the most delicious, mouthwatering piece of hand molded chocolate… A sign that something’s really wrong…
I think I’m lonely. Really. When I’m left alone at home, I feel so empty. Gotta watch meaningless, boring tv programs or go online to talk to people or listen to cds… just can’t live with myself, alone.
Since childhood, my mom has been telling me that people who can’t just be still and enjoy their own company are people who have no inner peace. Well, I agree.
At first I thought my moodiness was coz I have yet to get over QS. I mean I do torture myself by thinking that he must be happily out with his gf everyday now while I’m like mopey and all. Then I perversely go through a thousand and one scenarios of what I’ll do if I bump into them in town. Especially yesterday when I was in town, one moment I was trying to be crazy and happy, then the next moment, I’ll be all quiet and pensive. Think there must be someoneS who can identify with this…
But today, when I really think about it, despite what I say about hating love, (I actually took it out on this pink heart care bear…. Haha… and a salesgirl who tried to sell me some overpriced watch with mushy lovey messages on it… poor things!) I think I deliberately want to be cynical so that I won’t be such a wuss. It’s much easier being angry and spiteful and cynical than all squishy and sentimental.
So, for the moment…
“Hah! Who needs love?”
*Poke stupid pink hearts care bear*
“I hate love!”
*Abuse pink hearts care bear some more*
(I kid you not, this really happened at Taka Square yesterday. A true story reenacted online for you. But I bought a big green star care bear though… so cuuuuttteeee… Hee)
I was Miss hard-as-nails for a very long time, all through Secondary school and JC. Then, I changed. I honestly think that when I’m nice and kind and gentle and non-judgmental (or at least more successful in my attempts), I’m a much better person. I like myself better that way too.
There’s a Dr J and Mr H in all of us I suppose. I mean I am aware that I fail in being that person I aspire to be because of my fallen nature. Then, just now as my mom came to talk to me, it really struck the depths of my heart that my very struggle is a witness to the fact that I’m alive; That I don’t have to be guilty/ashamed in admitting my repeated failures to get a grip on myself. Coz only dead things don’t struggle, and I’m alive and growing. (in more than one dimension… yikes!)
And I’m glad. I see hope at this moment, that when I’m done with my struggles, I’ll emerge a better and stronger person. More beautiful on the inside…
Gosh, this radiating contractions of my heart. Is it joy?
Wow!
This bit of cloud is sure glad that ethereal light is shining through…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, December 03, 2004 |
2 comments
