I think I’ve changed. It struck me today while out with Bel that I’m no longer the person I was at 16. I’ve always thought that my secondary school years were the years that made the most impact and changes in my life. But looking back, I’ve discovered that after NY, in comparison to my girlfriends who went through the same academic black hole, I have, or we have all grown and developed drastically in different directions.
Can’t remember where I read this, but some friend commented that you know you’ve grown up when your friends start getting married and you start receiving red eggs. A childhood friend of mine, someone I consider a peer and a friend is getting married this coming Jan. Shopping today was enlightening…not because of what I got, (I didn’t really buy anything) but coz the combination of events, observations made and conversation today gave me a tap-on-the-forehead awareness that I’m really actually a grown up.
Walking around in Taka/Wisma, trying to spot some eye candy, I found myself classifying the cute late teens in the “kids” category. No more laments that I was born too early, now cute young guys are just simply in another world altogether. Like looking at handsome children you know, one just looks, the thought of possessing them don’t even remotely cross your mind. (else u risk being pedophilic!) And NSF walking around was just plain eyesore. Their round botak heads were such a turn off...ha…Such a huge contrast to the adolescent Omigosh!-He’s-in-NS worship…
But whilst sitting at Mac’s, having a/the meaningful conversation with Bel that I think I reached greater understanding of who I am.
I’m at a point where I don’t criticize girlfriends for being too attached and sticky with their boyfriends because I’ve also been overly engrossed with the romantic interests in my life. (It really isn’t easy to lead independent lives coz there are just too many unaccountable external and internal factors.)
I make comments like how people need degrees to survive in the world coz I’m conscious that education truly is a form of fiscal and social security. This is really strange coming from a notorious slacker/ teacher’s nightmare from primary school all the way to JC. (A clause: I know the certificate is not the be all and end all, but it sure is useful.)
I have come to terms that I’m not as intelligent some of my friends and I can live with that. I just mug a bit more and expect less of my CAP.
My life may not be the most exciting and “happening” but I’m glad that I have little episodes in my life, nothing overly dramatic and non-reversal please. It’s ok that my lifestyle seems goody-two-shoes to some, coz I’m no longer trying to make a statement, neither am I differentiating myself by being non-worldly/secular. I just want to do something meaningful, to make an impact in Life (with the capital L). Trying to look at the big picture you know… At the moment before I close my eyes, can I say that I’ve lived to the best of my abilities?
Idealistic? Maybe… but I’m also just tired of cynicism.
In India, Hoe made a comment along the lines of young(e)r girls assuming that they’re very mature when in fact they’re not really so. I agreed… so I’m actually stuck in a bit of a paradox here. On one hand, I’m self proclaiming to be more mature than I was. This then puts me in the category of over self-estimation. Then again, I realize that I’m not mature enough in many aspects of things: self motivation, responsibility, discipline and (I can’t escape it…ugh!) relationships. This means that all the growth that I thought I made would then be discounted.
So this is what maturity is to me today: Being positively realistic.
Hah… easy to say but difficult to maintain.
There’s a fine line between brooding, reflection and meditation. Brooding is when one keeps thinking about the issues in one’s life. Reflection is when one thinks about the issues in a positive and constructive light. Meditation is when reflection is laced with divine enlightenment.
I’ve reflected today.
Have you?
Can’t remember where I read this, but some friend commented that you know you’ve grown up when your friends start getting married and you start receiving red eggs. A childhood friend of mine, someone I consider a peer and a friend is getting married this coming Jan. Shopping today was enlightening…not because of what I got, (I didn’t really buy anything) but coz the combination of events, observations made and conversation today gave me a tap-on-the-forehead awareness that I’m really actually a grown up.
Walking around in Taka/Wisma, trying to spot some eye candy, I found myself classifying the cute late teens in the “kids” category. No more laments that I was born too early, now cute young guys are just simply in another world altogether. Like looking at handsome children you know, one just looks, the thought of possessing them don’t even remotely cross your mind. (else u risk being pedophilic!) And NSF walking around was just plain eyesore. Their round botak heads were such a turn off...ha…Such a huge contrast to the adolescent Omigosh!-He’s-in-NS worship…
But whilst sitting at Mac’s, having a/the meaningful conversation with Bel that I think I reached greater understanding of who I am.
I’m at a point where I don’t criticize girlfriends for being too attached and sticky with their boyfriends because I’ve also been overly engrossed with the romantic interests in my life. (It really isn’t easy to lead independent lives coz there are just too many unaccountable external and internal factors.)
I make comments like how people need degrees to survive in the world coz I’m conscious that education truly is a form of fiscal and social security. This is really strange coming from a notorious slacker/ teacher’s nightmare from primary school all the way to JC. (A clause: I know the certificate is not the be all and end all, but it sure is useful.)
I have come to terms that I’m not as intelligent some of my friends and I can live with that. I just mug a bit more and expect less of my CAP.
My life may not be the most exciting and “happening” but I’m glad that I have little episodes in my life, nothing overly dramatic and non-reversal please. It’s ok that my lifestyle seems goody-two-shoes to some, coz I’m no longer trying to make a statement, neither am I differentiating myself by being non-worldly/secular. I just want to do something meaningful, to make an impact in Life (with the capital L). Trying to look at the big picture you know… At the moment before I close my eyes, can I say that I’ve lived to the best of my abilities?
Idealistic? Maybe… but I’m also just tired of cynicism.
In India, Hoe made a comment along the lines of young(e)r girls assuming that they’re very mature when in fact they’re not really so. I agreed… so I’m actually stuck in a bit of a paradox here. On one hand, I’m self proclaiming to be more mature than I was. This then puts me in the category of over self-estimation. Then again, I realize that I’m not mature enough in many aspects of things: self motivation, responsibility, discipline and (I can’t escape it…ugh!) relationships. This means that all the growth that I thought I made would then be discounted.
So this is what maturity is to me today: Being positively realistic.
Hah… easy to say but difficult to maintain.
There’s a fine line between brooding, reflection and meditation. Brooding is when one keeps thinking about the issues in one’s life. Reflection is when one thinks about the issues in a positive and constructive light. Meditation is when reflection is laced with divine enlightenment.
I’ve reflected today.
Have you?
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
1 comments
