Because I’m really restless online,
Because I know some people who came or are coming into money and…
Because as XX puts it: I’m a shameless bitch.

Anyway, this is a list of the things I want. Which by the way, I’m announcing early so that *some people* have time to source for them…

Who? I say *ahem* SOME people. Anyway, in case you’re not one of us elite students who are associated with literature and by association the extremely invaluable art of reading the subtext… Note that the choice of word is ‘SOME’ which belongs to the grammatical category of plurals which means that there is more than one person involved. Therefore, DO NOT even assume that there is someONE who is supposed to get a specific hint. That is a fallacious conclusion.

I expect EVERY body to do something about the upcoming extremely important event of the year.

Oh! But I digress.

Presenting… My lust Wish List:

1. Body slimming package
NB: FYI, this is a repeated request. I really wanted this last year. But apparently, it was too expensive and too crazy to get me this. Seriously, I am NOT psychologically unsound, I have NO problems with my weight (well, at least not a big one anyway), I DON’T have any disorder. I just wanna look thinner, go utilize my studio shot down payment and strut my stuff around.

Heh heh heh… *gleeful laugh*

2. Facial course
This is like the next best option. I have some little problems with my face that just won’t go away with a normal half-baked 3 step routine, lack of sleep, too much chocolate, not enough water lifestyle. Yea… little problems like little eyes and little nose. Ha ha! But yepz, bottom line is: would like the other solvable little problems to go away…

I’m damn vain. I know…

3. Handphone
This I must quantify. I’m not materialistic k? I really NEED a new cellphone. The old one is spoilt and I’m now surviving on Sha’s extreme generosity. But I need a nice, pretty non-candy bar phone… Do you think having Bluetooth is essential? Aesthetics or function? Hmm…

Oh, did I mention that Daddy has offered to get the phone? Haha… of course I’m trying to squeeze some Iraqi dough out of the little breeze. But then, he’s coming back from the dry land. It’s gonna be hard trying to get water out of rock. You know what I mean?

But always look on the bright side of life…

Poor darling… such an inconsiderate sister.

Poor you... such a thick skinned, demanding friend.

Poor me... gotta beg.

So what is poverty? What is happiness?

Will I get answers before I step into the scary world of adulthood?

*yikes*

Fear of the great unknown!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 28, 2005 | 0 comments

After rushing my paper for submission on Monday and then mugging for a test on Tuesday, I think I'll deserve a treat on my off day on Wednesday before the rest of the hectic semester continues.

Will give myself a treat...

Hmm...

Shall not think about the increasingly dismal state of my finances but just go and do my French manicure.

Heh! *goofy grin*

Anyone wants to come along? Coz as Cindy reminded me, manicures must be done in pairs to reduce boredom while waiting for the nails to dry.

(Nails: Pls don't break or chip anymore k?)

Then, the following week, I'll go get a trim for my hair. Hah! Thinking of going to Mahogany where NUS students get 50% off! Hee... but only applicable for senior stylists. Which would then set me back by $35... for a trim??? Hmm... gotta think about it.

Oh yea... then Mommy dear is getting me a new pair of glasses! Hee... She hates my current pair now. And she has finally reconciled the fact that a nice, good pair of glasses costs a substantial wad of *kaching*. So... haha... the bottomline is that I get new glasses!

Birthday’s coming up and I’ve blatantly forced the brothers to get specific things for me. Hee… Poor Didi and Normie… Can’t help it right? I’m usually so nice to them, shower them with all my affections, give massage, let myself be practice dummies for wrestling moves… Ha ha! It’s payback time!

So, this is happiness for me?

Just indulgences and owning new stuff…

Maybe coz I’m a product of the 80’s. Makes me a material girl in a material world… Hah!

But whatever it is, brainless bimbos are definitely waaaayyy easier to please than meditative missies.

Gonna take advice given: I deserve happiness.

The way I know it first...

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 28, 2005 | 0 comments

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, February 27, 2005 | 0 comments

Nothing to blog about, or rather, no need and no time to blog... so how? Do some stupid quiz and post it up... haha... apparently, this makes me a:

You Are a Look At Me Blogger!

Cute pics, blog drama, whatever it takes to get traffic. You're notorious ... either loved or hated by all!

Ha... make that a "look at me person".

Coz I'm just sooo keewll....

What the f?

(shit... I'm picking up bad habits! all these swearing is bad...dammit!)

And to compensate the above not too flattering results. Check this out:

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What can I say?

Take a number baby!

Haha...

Speaking of flirting, was at the library today and there was this Malay girl flirting with this black TA. They were just sitting behind where I was and gosh... something bout the I'm-Singaporean-but-I speak-with-an-accent thing really unleashed the mean bitch in me.

Or maybe it was the, "oh my gosh! you're doing phD? You're so smart!" fawning...

Or was it the "I'm intellectual. I have opinions on morality and religion." pretensions...

Whatever it is, that girl really got to my nerves. Ha...

But oh well, pot calling the kettle black. Tell me you're an intellectual and my heart skips a beat too. Hee... Yea, turned on by brains...

and hair in certain places.

Hmmm....

Hah!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, February 26, 2005 | 0 comments

Realized that I think in taglines these days... must be all the MSN nicks. Hee...

Anway, just two to summarize:

ASSays are a pain in the ASS

and

Seeing someone's Joy is swell
Sharing someone's Joy is super
But
Being someone's Joy...
Now, that's something else...

Yes, it's cryptic again. But can't be helped... it's a semi-public space here...

Tired xiaoyun...

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, February 26, 2005 | 0 comments

There is this natural decaying process called uglification. The onset of this phenomenon usually begins after the members of the homosapiens species complete their mating ritual. For the female homosapiens, the rate of uglification tends to accelerate after each successful live-birth.

Except for me.

3 solid kgs in 2 weeks! And it’s not water or post-meal weighing k?

Solid stuff cannot bluff.

In addition to starvation and exercise, I need to moan moan and moan… (and there’s nothing sexual bout it…)

Gosh! I haven’t been so so so so soooooooooooo fat in years!

I have an obviously protruding tummy… even when I stand!

Just crossing my legs and I see the ridges of cellulite… the Himalayan ridges if I may quantify.

My face is so round it’s fuller than the moon on the 15th.

And darn, I think I need to get new bras!

How how how???!!!

And then my face is also getting uglier. Already not extremely good looking to begin with, then with all the zits and blemishes and engorged pores and the whiteheads and the dark eye rings…

I’m hideous.

Wait… CNY is now officially over. So what the heck, I’m one year older!

Growing old and fat and ugly… all before quarter life!!!!

Somebody give me a paper bag.

Wait, make that a gunny sack.

*wails*

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, February 24, 2005 | 1 comments

Thought it’ll be good to include something ‘normal’ once in a while here to assure alarmed individuals that I’m actually okay. And not some depraved, constantly depressed person that I appear to be… at least on the blog.

You have to excuse me for it. I mean it’s only natural to want to sit down and mope when things aren’t going smoothly right? So when I’m floating around in Lala land, I probably would be out having so much fun that I plonk straight to bed after returning at some ungodly hour.

Haha! See how words can glamorize your life?

Nah… life’s not so dynamically eventful. But this couple of days has been alright. Been meeting up with good friends for dinner…

Monday night: Girl friends!! You know who you are. Thanks babes for the evening at PhoChine (it’s pronounced ‘fur2 shin’ as someone kindly enlightened me) Better let you all know so that we can all ‘upgrade’ ourselves a little to be more ‘high-krass’. Then again, someone *ahem* has been upgrading too. Who? The one with 2 LV items in a Gucci bag lah… I’m damn jealous k? Wanna find a sugar daddy too… haha… or at least plan a robbery… haha…

Tuesday night: What can I say? I’m glad that there’s peace. The haze may make air dense and un-breathable, but once the air is cleared, exhaled long breaths are no longer termed sighs. Hmm…Coz ice cream puts out flames?

Wednesday night: (projected reality at the moment of posting) Dinner with IT… appreciate friends who make the effort to keep in touch and who are concerned. Thanks dear, princesses being spoilt, often have little mood swings but they’ll be alright in time. Wanna let you know that your concerned sms really perked up my yesterday. Thanks. (again)

Okay… that’s bout it then. It’s really more like coded messages for people today. But then, like I’ve said… no angst = no content.

Hah!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, February 23, 2005 | 0 comments

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 21, 2005 | 0 comments

When you play a game (let’s say chess) with an opponent who’s better than you, how do you play? Do you?
a) Just play your own game
b) Try and guess your opponent’s strategy
c) Play your opponent’s game
d) Quit

If your answer is (a)

A. If you play your own game, then u’re susceptible to the manipulations of your opponent. Coz admit it, your game is not as sophisticated as your opponent’s game. In other words, putty-in-someone’s-hands, you’re screwed.

If your answer is (b)

B. If you attempt to second guess your opponent, then you’re in for a hard time. Coz firstly, you can only make second guesses while your opponent already thinks 4-5 steps ahead of you. This will only make you extremely frustrated as the more steps there are involved, the countless possibilities that come with each step will accumulate into a huge, huge headache.

If your answer is (c)

C. You’re a quitter. You give up and just let your opponent push you around. If you’re new to the game and have an open mind in learning new moves, then I guess you’ll be fine. Though repeatedly losing the game can be pretty disappointing…But if people usually let you have your own way, then learning from a master will need a lot of tolerance…

If your answer is (d)

D. Smart move! If you can’t win, don’t play.

Haha!

So which do you think is my answer?

A little bit of everything I guess… which just creates a confusing mess.

Ha…sigh.

How often do we think we’re playing a game, when in actual fact, we’re just pawns deep in concentration.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 21, 2005 | 0 comments

Don’t tell me not to cry. Coz I’m sure I’m not the only one who has experienced that emotional dilemma and realizing that crying is actually a better feeling than wanting to cry.

You know what I especially enjoy about crying? That tautness of your cheeks after the tears dried. That tension between the thin film of salt and your muscles when you attempt a wry smile after sobbing your heart out… It honestly feels good.

I know I’m gonna cry soon, just anticipating the day. Cross your fingers for me yea?

All these repressed feelings and desires are just simmering, bubbling, festering beneath that thin veneer that I project as me. There are all these things that I want to say but I just don’t know how to get around to saying it. The main part of it is I that I fear the potential repercussions if I say them.

So often, I’m caught in this web of desire, rationality, fear, social norms of moral conduct... There are things that I want but don’t dare to take. Like a child pining away for a piece of candy, but who doesn’t dare to take it coz she’ll get a spanking for taking what she’s not supposed to take.

Then, there are questions that I don’t dare to answer. Why ask? What will happen if I answer? What should my answer even be? So many possibilities… So many what ifs…

Some people would probably just say to tell the truth. But I don’t believe in absolute truth. I don’t believe that it exists between people. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe that it exists. Then at least, when you’re let down, it won’t hurt so much.

Maybe I just have a problem with trust. Nah, not maybe… I have a problem with trust. I attribute it to the perceived letdowns friends, family and people who claim that they love me have dropped on me. Or simply coz the horrible, mean, shit things I’ve done to others come back to haunt me. Knowing that evil is lurking coz I’ve reserved a room for him.

I guess there’ll be people to think that I’m ranting about some stupid love-shit again. But I’m not… well, not completely anyway. I’ve always had a problem trusting people. And I’m the eternal pessimist when it comes to this issue: assume the worst and wait to be proven right.

Hah.

So how? It’s so bloody tiring and draining to be down.

Any good advise to invoke trust?

Coz I’m tired of clichés and tired of putting up a strong front.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 21, 2005 | 0 comments

I feel…

beefy, big, blimp, brawny, broad, bulging, bulky, bull, burly, butterball, chunky, corpulent, cow, distended, dumpy, elephantine, fleshy, gargantuan, gross, heavy, heavyset, hefty, husky, inflated, jelly-belly, lard, large, meaty, obese, oversize, paunchy, plump, plumpish, ponderous, porcine, portly, potbellied, pudgy, roly-poly, rotund, solid, stout, stubby, swollen, thickset, tubby, weighty, fat, overweight… like a whale.

Coz of substances I consume.

I feel…

Stupid, arrested, behind, checked, delayed, dense, dull, feebleminded, imbecile, late, moronic, retarded, subnormal, underdeveloped, underprivileged… with an undeveloped brain.

Coz everybody seems so bloody smart.

I feel…

blah, bland, bromidic, clichéd, common, conventional, corn, corn-fed, cornball, corny, dull, everyday, flat, hackneyed, ho-hum, hokey, hokum, humdrum, insipid, no place, nothing, nowhere, old hat, ordinary, pablum, pedestrian, platitudinous, square, stale, stereotyped, stock, tired, tripe, trite, unimaginative, unoriginal, vapid, watery, wishy-washy, zero… ala sIanZ

Coz nothing excites.

I feel…

arid, bomb, bromidic, bummer, characterless, cloying, colorless, commonplace, dead, drab, drag, drudging, dull, flat, ho hum, humdrum, insipid, interminable, irksome, lifeless, monotonous, moth-eaten, platitudinous, plebeian, prosaic, repetitious, routine, spiritless, stale, stereotyped, stodgy, stuffy, tame, tedious, threadbare, tiresome, tiring, trite, unexciting, unvaried, vapid, wearisome, well-worn… uninteresting.

Coz maybe I’m just so.

I feel…

cursory, empty, empty-headed, farcical, featherbrained, flighty, flimsy, foolish, frivolous, frothy, half-baked, hollow, idle, ignorant, inane, lightweight, meaningless, paltry, petty, piddling, puerile, simple, sketchy, skin-deep, slight, superficial, surface, trifling, trivial, uncritical, unthinking, vain and shallow.

Coz I try too hard.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, February 18, 2005 | 2 comments

For some strange reason, the probability of me wearing my salmon pink tee with jeans is incredulously high when I’m meeting my bunch of girlfriends from NY. If I do go for Bel’s and Dor’s bday celebration tonight, it’ll make today at least the 3rd time! And how do I know? Because we take PHOTOS each time. What the heck?! Knowing how darn vain I am, this is the 1st and the mildest thing that’s making me feel that the world is a F-ed up place.

And we don’t even meet all the time??!!! Grr…

Stupid laptop is down. AGAIN! That moron has to create some kind of a problem at least once every sem. I mean, it is essentially just a glorified typewriter. What do you think you are huh? Some big shot is it? Huh huh! WTF! If you didn’t cost a bloody 3k, I would have smashed you a long time ago.

When are you coming home Didi! I need you to get a new computer!

Speaking of technology that cocks up… Bloody hand phone is also giving me shit. For a while yesterday, I was relishing in the fact that for once, that almost valueless piece of junk gives me reception periodically in the LT. Before I continue, that pager disguised as a phone only has a trade-in value of $60. With the scratched keypad, it’s only worth $40. That makes me the proud owner of positively (note this) the shittiest camera phone ever! So yea, damn phone now has problems with the photo-album. I can’t save any new pictures taken and can’t send MMS. You tell me, what’s the point of having that lens if I can only take damn lousy resolution photos and can’t even save it? Huh? Check my hair ah?

When are you coming home Didi! I need you to get me a new HP! (with Normie)

Just when you think I’m done ranting… Noooo…. There’s more! Got a 40 min ‘lecture’ (and I’m already making an understatement) from my parents last night for coming home late at 1220. First of, think, how many people you know have a curfew. Now, minus the adults. Then take the away those people who have lived away from home for a period of time. That leaves? Just Me! The last puritan virgin in Singapore. To think that in a few months’ time, should I choose to graduate, I’ll be a highly educated, self-sufficient, modern Singaporean woman. Talk about woman’s Lib.

Ok, now that I’ve got the sarcasm and frustration out. Let’s move on to release the dark tormented soul.

It’s not so bad being scolded really. Most people realize after a while that I’m masochistic. But in trying to educate/be kind, my parents said some things that really sunk their claws deep into my sore and vulnerable spots. Here’s the blow by blow account: First, I’m extremely ill disciplined. Because my father insists on sending me to school, for fear that if he doesn’t ensure that I’m in school, I’ll just skip or be late for class. Due to that, he is late for work every morning. No one else other than my parents would tolerate me nor can they live with me because I mess up other people’s lives as well. Which is why, I can’t make boyfriend(s) stay, as any half brained person would know better and pack their bags.

Some times my friends wonder why I come up with spastic dumb-assed theories/logic. What can I say? I come from good stock.

Despite me thinking that the flow of the argument is highly fallacious, what they’ve said assaults this highly insecure place within me. My life is really messed up these days. Lagging behind in school work, darn unmotivated to do the other stuff I’m supposed to do, can’t tolerate staying at home… and… I’m getting very tired pushing things to the back of my mind and willing the muscles on my cheeks to contract.

:-/

Plus I hate lying. I hate the omission of truth as well. And these days, I’ve been forced to do that. Once in a while, I wish I’m dead. Or at least like Donne puts it, that nature, that all that is good and beautiful would be frosted over. Then no one would rub their happiness in my face.

Me-sery loves company.

If I can’t have that, then I wish I can’t feel. If in order for my heart to feel, I must live with pain, I’d rather not feel.

But I can’t.

So it’s the same conclusion as always. The solution is so obvious. So stark, standing there like a slap to my face. But I’m masochistic remember? I live with the pain to enjoy the fleeting moments of pleasure. So it’s true after all.

Listen to your parents.

Late nights are bad.
Computers spoil your eyesight.
Don’t SMS too much.
Good girls don’t use ‘fuck’.

Hah!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 15, 2005 | 3 comments

Oh yea… In case you think I’m very free, keep changing my blogskin and all… I must say that I’m not. I just use the time when some people go and celebrate Vday to do stupid things like this.

Why?

Because I’m a stupid girl. Period.

But well, the point is that the other layout, although pretty, is super hard on the eyes. And knowing how darn long I usually post, I’ve decided to be magnanimous and spare a thought on YOUR eyes.

Yes! You… don’t look around.

Bloody shifty eyes…

Ah… anyway, been reading “Mill on the Floss” by George Eliot these days. (I’m only 1/5 through the book! Help!!!) There’s this character—Maggie that I think is very well sculpted.

Just like me!

Haha!

No… not coz I’m well sculpted like I have greek god features but coz the character is so fully fleshed out and I see parts of myself in her… hmm… or parts of her in me… either way goes.

She’s this character who has deeply entrenched opinions, who does impulsive acts and immediately regrets them, who’s torn between doing what’s socially/morally right and what feels good. Kinda like me…

(I know you’re gonna scold me JY. I know I suck. I have no resolution. I just can’t help it…)

Maggie dies in the end you know. Perhaps only in death would I redemption…

What the… Never mind me… Anyway, back to book review:

George Eliot really is a brilliant author. She (yea, GE is a pseudonym… she’s female) phrases emotions in such a subtle, beautiful, sensitive way. Read the book for yourself? Hah! Probably not… or check out sparknotes.com for the synopsis…

Reading John Donne’s poetry too.

(I’m not trying to show off yea? Ha… I’m a lit major. I’m supposed to be reading more of these high brow things… that explains my receding hairline)

Anyway, Donne’s seduction poems are so titillating. And as I read them, I can almost imagine the little devil on my left shoulder speaking to me. Ha… Free love and perpetual ejaculations galore!
(ref to the stone fountain in http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/donne/twickenham.htm )

That’s just the highlights from one English Renaissance tutorial!

Who says the Elizabethans are stuffy?

Back to work for me now…

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 14, 2005 | 0 comments

So confused, there’s this gamut of thoughts and feelings just running all across, over and around my mind.

ARGH!

*breath in… breathe out… breath in…* Let me try and organize and compartmentalize them.

“Give me order in my life!!!!!”

Anyway… here it goes…

It’s more or less settled, I’m not going out with Golli on Monday. It was… I guess, it is quite a strange feeling that I feel in my guts now. Not quite sour, but not really bitter-sweet, sorta poignant except that it didn’t happen long ago enough…but anyway, the general gist is that it’s not exactly a fantastic feeling. In summary, I would have gone out with him if not for the fact that:

1. His class ends at 8pm and I for sure am not going to hang around from 5pm to wait for him to end. That’s being too bloody available… An image issue.

2. I gotta be home early, bout 10+pm coz it’s a school day and it’s Vday. If I reach home later, my parents will definitely reenact an inquisition. As you know, I don’t believe in lying, then, the truth bout Golli would definitely get out and I’ll have no peace for the next 2 years. So, nope…

3. Given the above 2 reasons, it really doesn’t make practical sense to meet up rite? Plus everywhere will be full of irritating lovey-dovey couples. What the heck is there to do?

So after I told him, his reply was darn curt:
(I’m gonna go into details here coz readership polls tell me that people express interest in each excruciating detail…)

“Doesn’t matter… Next time please tell me from the start. Thanks a lot!”

Ouch…

Being the nice person I am, my safe reply was: “oh… you sound pissed” or something along that line…Answer?

“Nope… I don’t have any right to”

Of course, everything must verify rite? Double check again yea? The answer again?

“Nope, even if I were I shouldn’t, I got no right to…”

What the heck? Is that a guilt trip trap or what?

Was just talking to JY and the darling girl is worried bout me being burnt again. I sure as hell hope not. At least this time, Golli is most likely not going to spell things out specifically to me. Was talking to him bout some stuff and he made a comment that went something like:

“Come on… no one is ever going to tell you that they like you. Look at you…”

Essentially, his psychoanalysis of me is that, I’m a pessimist who doesn’t believe in love and in giving relationship chances. Also an idealist living in lala-land thinking that some perfect Prince Charming will come along.

Hah! Pretty accurate huh?

Whatever it is, I sure hope he wun tell me lah… Coz I’d much rather have something that is sweet and slowly fades away… direct confrontation only leads to casualties.

Know what’s bloody ironic? While I’m going through this “crisis”, within this week, I’ve had trusty intelligence-service spies report to me that there are rumors that I’m interested in, not one… but TWO guys!

What the heck?

Bloody hell… do I look desperate? $%^& it…

Anyway, in reflection, guess my cryptic postings create confusion. Plus the fact that these days, I keep going on and on about the same love nonsense…

So… *guilty face*

Perhaps it does seem like I’m darn man-hungry, boy-crazy…

Ignorant people out there have no idea how hard I am to extricate myself from amorous cross gender relationships.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, February 13, 2005 | 0 comments

Hey hey! It's the 2nd day of CNY and I have the luxury of time and a broadband internet access to change the template!

Kinda girly a layout, not really me but until I figure out how to host my images, this will be it... but the good news is that:

There is a TAG BOARD!

Haha... so yea, just scroll all the way down to find it.

This is gonna be one of those totally meaningless and mindless rambling coz what ever thoughts that has been simmering within me hasn't had time to develop to a 700 word entry. Hah!

Probably just some mandatory updates.
1. I put on a freaking 2kgs from New Year's eve and 1st day of New year... at the rate, by the end of the 15 days of new year, I'll be 16kgs heavier... *yikes*
2. I've decided (Lunar New Year resolutions!) to start on a disciplined life. That means no more late nights! From now on, I'll aim to sleep by midnight, wake up early in the morning, be punctual, do what I'm supposed to do each day... Darn daunting... wish me luck k?
3. I'm back in contact with golliwog. yea yea... I know what I resolved earlier. Hmm... more updates again after I brood on it for a while. Meanwhile, need so advise on what I should do next Monday... you know, that V day... have been asked to dinner by Golli...

Speaking of which, school's giving me some stress now. Half a sem is gone and I have yet to catch up... worried worried... better mug during the term break. Anyway, this stoopid test prob explains why:

You're the super-slacker!!
Homework?
What's that? Studying? Not in your vocabulary.
You hardly study and almost never do your work
and yet, by some divine intervention, you're
still surviving. And you come to school so
un-often, your teachers have pratically
forgotten that you even exist. Go, you slacker,
you!!

Which Stereotypical Singaporean Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ha.... nothing has changed much since NY days... Hmm... make that kindergarten days... see why I need to be more disciplined?

*fret fret fret*

Oh... what the heck! After new year...

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, February 10, 2005 | 0 comments

Sunday afternoon
Stuck at home
Nothing better to do
Except to take stupid quizzes


Vodka


?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

What do you think Angels?
Post CNY themed party
Am I like that?
Was I like that?

I wonder why I put this thing up?
Gives the impression that I'm flippant
Or frivolous (in the sense that he uses it)
I dunno...

Oh well, too late to think about that,
I already did what I did.
But I guess I had fun...
Should learn to appreciate the value of that.

More....

Anyway, I'm not any alcoholic drink. Coz as we all know by now, I totally can't hold my drink. Haha...
Plus the fact that 1g of alcohol is 7 calories! As a reference, carbohydrates and proteins are 4 cal and that unmentionable F thing is 9 cal...

Yea, I have a weight issue. I also have problems with my ass (lack of it) and my legs (dry skin and flabby)...

Haha... just need to get it out. According to XX, not all girls have issues with weight. Just unfortunately, her friends... haha...Oh well!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, February 06, 2005 | 2 comments

This entire thing probably will sound contradictory. But it should…coz it’s how I am, how I feel now.

Torn, confused, contradictory.

Okay…

On one hand, I’m glad that he’s not going to completely cut me off.
On the other hand, I’m disappointed that he’s taken my not so subtle hint and is being distant. On a side note, I think he’s pissed/irritated by my move… but who wouldn’t.

(No more “hand” coz I’m not an octopus. =p)

Hmm… I’m gonna be honest here with my ‘raw’ feelings. Slightly concerned at what you might think of me as you’re reading this. But figured since you’re reading this, I must think you’re friend enough to give you my url, then I can be truthful to you and go through my sorting out process with you. Don’t let me down ya? Anyway…

I’m afraid that if things go on as they were previously going, ‘like’ will develop into ‘pseudo-love’.
But so quickly, I’m so used to having him around that I feel kinda lost if I don’t talk to him or sms him…

I still like him enough to want to remain friends.
I want to have him as a good friend but just close enough to be platonic.

I’m darn delusional in thinking like that. I know that…

But I’m ever grateful that I have friends like Badass who nags at me, and even though it’s ‘one small step to Badass, (it’s) one huge leap for me’. I’m probably not as good a rejecter as you think I should be, but I’m practicing.

Thanks HD too, for telling me again what I needed to hear. Even though I don’t particularly think I’m a princess now but will remember not to pick cute actors who ask for my hand. Haha… Thanks for depicting me like I’m damn sought after… haha… I enjoy being delusional.

And even though I am posting two entries tonight (given that entry rates are directly proportional to anguish rates) I’m glad I made the right decision to pull out of a potentially dangerous situation early, coz it’s obvious that the funny feeling in my tummy is going away very quickly. (compare and contrast this and the previous post and you’ll see)

Lectures and practical going hand in hand.

So… so far, seems like good work done.

*crosses fingers*

Wish me luck k?

Hope the rest of this test goes smoothly…

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, February 05, 2005 | 1 comments

I did it.
I did it today.
Did what I know I should have done earlier…Followed that rational voice that has been willfully pushed to the back of my mind.

I did it. And I feel like shit.

But better to feel like shit now, then to burn in pain later right?

I feel like shit for giving the lamest excuse that I need to study. I think he deserves better.
I feel like shit for suddenly breaking the news after a great evening out together. I know that’s damn cruel.
I feel like shit for being weak willed and dragging it out until now.
I feel like shit for liking him enough to feel upset by it.
I feel like shit for having my rational self in conflict with my emotional needs.

I am female after all. I am emotionally weak even though I try.

I suffer from the once attached inertia… I’m weak… I wanna have someone around to hold and love.

But man, you’re not “it”. I’m sorry… I care for myself too much to take risks.

Just give me strength to stick with it please…

Hey girl, grow up!

Yea…Time to pack away the toys.

Bye Golliwog…thanks for the good times.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, February 05, 2005 | 0 comments

Someone sneakily took pictures of me on Tuesday night (1st Feb). Don’t think I didn’t notice. I know you read this. Better send me the link so that I can admire myself too.

Or I’ll expose your identity!

*Buah ha ha ha! Buah ha ha ha!*

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, February 02, 2005 | 3 comments

(In memory of hanging out with A, F and Sex and the City)

“I can’t help but wonder…”

about double standards. Have been on the receiving end of some sweet words recently and by the choice of diction, I’m already making a conscious effort to select less loaded words coz to me, ‘sweet words’ actually mean ‘sweet talk’. The later obviously denotes meaningless lip service… you know the song that goes something like “and words, are all I have to give, to take your heart away”? Badass remarked once that that’s the “buaya” theme song. Hah! That stuck in my mind coz those jerks who play with our hearts only do use words, but then again, it only takes mere words to make hearts thump that little faster.

So now that I’ve formed a skeptical opinion about sweet talkers aka flirts. As some of you may have noticed on msn, darling Badass says that I flirt too much, with everybody apparently…*flutters eyelashes* In the course of doing so, inevitably, I end up flirting with some bad asses and then get myself into a fix. I’ve never in my life, until this couple of days thought of myself as flirtatious. Guess flirting (as other people think of it) has always been classified under harmless fun. I suppose it started off as early as primary school when I used to tug at Huiying’s sleeves.

(This is the part where I start becoming sociological/ philosophical…)

My theory is that being from all girls’ schools removes certain concepts of gender/social norms. My friends and I hold hands, slap each other’s butts, bat eyelashes at each other, use terms of endearment on one another… and while I’m at it, I’ve kissed a couple of girl friends too.

For me, when I’m friendly/flirting with you, it is coz I treat you as a good friend. And if you’re a guy, then it means that I no longer make distinctions between you as a guy and as a friend. Know what I mean? Like you’re a friend good enough to be treated like a normal friend instead of another category of ‘male friends whom I keep a respectable distance from coz I don’t know how you’ll react’.

In a sense, that’s double standards. I can flirt/be nice/friendly (depends on how you perceive things or how blindly-loyal a friend you are to me. Hee…) for all I want coz I’m just like that; whereas if someone does the same to me, then that person has ulterior motives.

It didn’t use to be like this. In the past, when I still thought of myself as gender neutral, when all my friends safely saw me as a man trapped in a woman’s body, when it was impossible for someone to actually like me, there was no problem at all. I seriously have yet to reconcile the notion that when members of the sex I prefer to be want to “get to know you better” it is not simply because I’m damn full of c**k, I get dirty jokes fast, I find it amusing that they can burp Beethoven’s symphony, I know wrestling moves, I drink beer or that I check out babes with them.

During times like this, I get really frustrated for being self-conscious and being conscious of what goes on in my mind. Is it possible to have too much of a conscience? In a way, if I proudly embrace the fact that I’m totally depraved (according to Puritanism, we all are coz we live in the post-lapsarian world. Ha! American Lit!) I can stop thinking about how I should be and just BE. Then, there’ll be no more grappling with what I feel and how wrong that is coz there are this, that and so extenuating circumstances.

If having a conscience, knowing what’s right and wrong, is what differentiates us from animals and if being reflective or conscious (as I use the word) supposedly makes one a thinking person. Can I negotiate with the divine one to have limited consciousness and conscience?

How bout that? That’ll make me half beast and half man!

coz we all know that men don’t think.

Haha!

Just saying only ah, dun get too agitated.

I’m a lousy feminist…

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, February 02, 2005 | 0 comments

Recently living in a state of self disgust... dun really like myself for some of the things I think I do. Or rather, what I think other people think of me if I was in their shoes doesn't really appeal to myself.

You get what I mean?

It's not self loathe yet, but just dun like myself from a 3rd person perspective.

But anyway, was browsing through A's blog when I saw this:

"And if I were a Lit major, I think I'd be a lot more interesting. More interesting than I am now, really. I think that's why it bothers me so much that Ling is so well-balanced and adjusted. "

Haha...

Brought some degree of comfort and amusement to my day. That someone thinks that I'm well-balanced and adjusted.

Hmm...

Not so bad after all.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, February 02, 2005 | 0 comments

Lazing around with YT at Sentosa...On the phone with Fengz. Pheng was there too (holding the cam) coz she dun wanna take pic with me... Waaahhh...

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | 0 comments

Not really in the mood to put thoughts and feelings into words these days. So thought I'll just put up some pics taken recent and not-so recently... Update of my oh so fun life...

Ha!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | 0 comments

The lady on the left is called Lisa, I'm really in love with her coz she's just so beautiful. Agree? Oh yea... did I mention that this is a real old pic taken in Bangkok? So....Lisa is a...*ahem*... But still drop dead gorgeous... I pale in comparison... Wah... chio... *can't stop gushing*

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | 0 comments

The beginning of 21st Birthday dinners with my cousins. Taken at Taka Fountain after dinner at Swensen's... Happy Birthday SJ!

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | 1 comments

Little Cousins didn't believe that one can tie a cherry stalk in one's mouth. Yours truely succeeded in entertaining them... What does it show? That I'm a good kisser! Haha! Really... I'm sure you've heard of this "urban myth". Unfortunately, no sampling! =p

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | 0 comments

Friday afternoon at the beach...obviously, poetry reading got chucked aside for phototaking.

cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | 0 comments

AH am...
Appears to be a typical female
Body conscious
Compulsive shopper
Dreamy some days
Evil on others
Flirty to friends
Guarded occasionally
Hopes to be Happy

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