coz MSN nicks are one line blogs
Don’t tell me not to cry. Coz I’m sure I’m not the only one who has experienced that emotional dilemma and realizing that crying is actually a better feeling than wanting to cry.
You know what I especially enjoy about crying? That tautness of your cheeks after the tears dried. That tension between the thin film of salt and your muscles when you attempt a wry smile after sobbing your heart out… It honestly feels good.
I know I’m gonna cry soon, just anticipating the day. Cross your fingers for me yea?
All these repressed feelings and desires are just simmering, bubbling, festering beneath that thin veneer that I project as me. There are all these things that I want to say but I just don’t know how to get around to saying it. The main part of it is I that I fear the potential repercussions if I say them.
So often, I’m caught in this web of desire, rationality, fear, social norms of moral conduct... There are things that I want but don’t dare to take. Like a child pining away for a piece of candy, but who doesn’t dare to take it coz she’ll get a spanking for taking what she’s not supposed to take.
Then, there are questions that I don’t dare to answer. Why ask? What will happen if I answer? What should my answer even be? So many possibilities… So many what ifs…
Some people would probably just say to tell the truth. But I don’t believe in absolute truth. I don’t believe that it exists between people. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe that it exists. Then at least, when you’re let down, it won’t hurt so much.
Maybe I just have a problem with trust. Nah, not maybe… I have a problem with trust. I attribute it to the perceived letdowns friends, family and people who claim that they love me have dropped on me. Or simply coz the horrible, mean, shit things I’ve done to others come back to haunt me. Knowing that evil is lurking coz I’ve reserved a room for him.
I guess there’ll be people to think that I’m ranting about some stupid love-shit again. But I’m not… well, not completely anyway. I’ve always had a problem trusting people. And I’m the eternal pessimist when it comes to this issue: assume the worst and wait to be proven right.
Hah.
So how? It’s so bloody tiring and draining to be down.
Any good advise to invoke trust?
Coz I’m tired of clichés and tired of putting up a strong front.
You know what I especially enjoy about crying? That tautness of your cheeks after the tears dried. That tension between the thin film of salt and your muscles when you attempt a wry smile after sobbing your heart out… It honestly feels good.
I know I’m gonna cry soon, just anticipating the day. Cross your fingers for me yea?
All these repressed feelings and desires are just simmering, bubbling, festering beneath that thin veneer that I project as me. There are all these things that I want to say but I just don’t know how to get around to saying it. The main part of it is I that I fear the potential repercussions if I say them.
So often, I’m caught in this web of desire, rationality, fear, social norms of moral conduct... There are things that I want but don’t dare to take. Like a child pining away for a piece of candy, but who doesn’t dare to take it coz she’ll get a spanking for taking what she’s not supposed to take.
Then, there are questions that I don’t dare to answer. Why ask? What will happen if I answer? What should my answer even be? So many possibilities… So many what ifs…
Some people would probably just say to tell the truth. But I don’t believe in absolute truth. I don’t believe that it exists between people. Or maybe I just don’t want to believe that it exists. Then at least, when you’re let down, it won’t hurt so much.
Maybe I just have a problem with trust. Nah, not maybe… I have a problem with trust. I attribute it to the perceived letdowns friends, family and people who claim that they love me have dropped on me. Or simply coz the horrible, mean, shit things I’ve done to others come back to haunt me. Knowing that evil is lurking coz I’ve reserved a room for him.
I guess there’ll be people to think that I’m ranting about some stupid love-shit again. But I’m not… well, not completely anyway. I’ve always had a problem trusting people. And I’m the eternal pessimist when it comes to this issue: assume the worst and wait to be proven right.
Hah.
So how? It’s so bloody tiring and draining to be down.
Any good advise to invoke trust?
Coz I’m tired of clichés and tired of putting up a strong front.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, February 21, 2005 |
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