Saw this quiz on someone's LJ with the same result and felt like taking it. So while I was doing it, I was thinking "darn... at the rate my answers are going, I'll never be the Girl Next Door".
Which was what the other person got and what I really wanna be. So, imagine my gleefulness when my results say:
Hahaha!
Which was what the other person got and what I really wanna be. So, imagine my gleefulness when my results say:
You Are the Girl Next Door!You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry. Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love. But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it! You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
Hahaha!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 30, 2005 |
0 comments
Met some new people today including this girl who’s interested in going diving during the hols! Yeah! *does a little jiggle* Looks like there’s some hope for my seems-so-far-away diving trip. Wanted to go diving since CNY last year… actually, probably earlier than that… Wish me luck k? That I can find nice fun ppl to go with, none of my existing khakis are keen on being submerged under water. Now just gotta find money…Hmm…
Slept with this guy today.
Did that get you? Haha! To be specific, we were watching some media in the library for film exam this wed and we were both so bored and tired that we fell asleep! It’s so strange coz everybody else was like hogging the terminals and we were at the “hot” DVD playing station with the film playing but sleeping. Haha! Quite nonsense…
Well, essentially, after sleeping together, we gave up studying and packed up. The thing with laughing and talking a lot is that I exhaust myself… both emotionally and physically. Such that I become tired and feel zapped of energy, then moodiness follows. That explains the utilization of the happiness quota.
Anyway, that’s another of my totally pointless, warped theories. Not impt.
American Lit paper today was S-H-I-T. The only consolation is that many people found it to be so too… Darn!
After my blogging craze the last couple of weeks, I seem to have lost steam… exhausted my internal no-of-post quota? Haha! I need to stop thinking that there are limitations everywhere.
I also need to stop thinking that I’m fat and ugly and stupid.
It’s actually quite a common phenomenal, that people who know that they’re not fat and ugly and stupid continue to think that they’re so. Or even like me, when I have my periods of optimism, I would still think in that mode. Like, I’m not going to the school gym coz everybody’s beautiful and perfect there. In reality, it’s just a distorted view of things coz not everyone there is like that and no one is going to laugh at you anyway. And ideally, one really shouldn’t bother with what other people think of you.
Sin boldly but do the right thing? (Think it is from Martin Luther)
Well, better go now… gonna teach little kiddos tmr. =)
And yea, before I forget… check out Sunday Times!
Slept with this guy today.
Did that get you? Haha! To be specific, we were watching some media in the library for film exam this wed and we were both so bored and tired that we fell asleep! It’s so strange coz everybody else was like hogging the terminals and we were at the “hot” DVD playing station with the film playing but sleeping. Haha! Quite nonsense…
Well, essentially, after sleeping together, we gave up studying and packed up. The thing with laughing and talking a lot is that I exhaust myself… both emotionally and physically. Such that I become tired and feel zapped of energy, then moodiness follows. That explains the utilization of the happiness quota.
Anyway, that’s another of my totally pointless, warped theories. Not impt.
American Lit paper today was S-H-I-T. The only consolation is that many people found it to be so too… Darn!
After my blogging craze the last couple of weeks, I seem to have lost steam… exhausted my internal no-of-post quota? Haha! I need to stop thinking that there are limitations everywhere.
I also need to stop thinking that I’m fat and ugly and stupid.
It’s actually quite a common phenomenal, that people who know that they’re not fat and ugly and stupid continue to think that they’re so. Or even like me, when I have my periods of optimism, I would still think in that mode. Like, I’m not going to the school gym coz everybody’s beautiful and perfect there. In reality, it’s just a distorted view of things coz not everyone there is like that and no one is going to laugh at you anyway. And ideally, one really shouldn’t bother with what other people think of you.
Sin boldly but do the right thing? (Think it is from Martin Luther)
Well, better go now… gonna teach little kiddos tmr. =)
And yea, before I forget… check out Sunday Times!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 30, 2005 |
0 comments
I have almost zero alcoholic tolerance.
I shouldn’t have drunk before an exam that I didn’t study for.
I’m panicking.
I need to control my emotions.
I can’t be happy or I’ll exhaust my happiness quota.
I will slip into melancholy.
I am worried bout my sanity.
I need a break.
I want to go on a vacation.
I love my daddy.
I hate exams.
I’m longing, longing for my holiday.
I shouldn’t have drunk before an exam that I didn’t study for.
I’m panicking.
I need to control my emotions.
I can’t be happy or I’ll exhaust my happiness quota.
I will slip into melancholy.
I am worried bout my sanity.
I need a break.
I want to go on a vacation.
I love my daddy.
I hate exams.
I’m longing, longing for my holiday.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, April 29, 2005 |
1 comments
Well, I hope you’re happy now that I’m no longer on my effervescent high. Doubting Thomas-es have won. Pttttfffzzz… feel like a balloon that’s limp and sorta stretched out of shape after someone lets the air out.
Went for a photo-shoot today at J8 as a favor for an old friend’s friend… it was quite fun really. Think maybe it’s the exhaustion from all the laughing that’s getting to me now. But yea… when the pictures are out, I’ll update again.
Checked out some Marian Keyes novels that XX has been raving about… realized that I might have read them before, just that I’ve forgotten them. Frankly, the plot didn’t really appeal to me. Guess I have enough of dysfunctional women around and within me to not want to be read about them. Or maybe coz I’ve outgrown trashy novels. Or maybe coz I read too much lit stuff that my literary standards are waaayyy high… haha! I wish. But some parts of “Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married” are very well written, especially the persona’s reflections on depression and ex-bfs. Worth checking out if only just for that…
I’ve put on sooo much weight! *sobz* yea yea… I know weight is just a number, but the waist means a whole wardrobe of clothes. Haha!
Lurun was picked up by this guy on the mrt today… Babez, u’re now certified to be gorgeous! Not that I didn’t know before but now we know that with the brains comes an irresistible charm that even though you think u look unglam, young cute guys still pick u up… Man, it has never happened to me. *jealous narrowed-eye look*
Am gonna move to multiply.com. It’s now a decided fact, now I just need to think about setting up the network lists and all… quite tricky, that one… mah fan also.
Sigh…
Next paper: Sat 9am…
Went for a photo-shoot today at J8 as a favor for an old friend’s friend… it was quite fun really. Think maybe it’s the exhaustion from all the laughing that’s getting to me now. But yea… when the pictures are out, I’ll update again.
Checked out some Marian Keyes novels that XX has been raving about… realized that I might have read them before, just that I’ve forgotten them. Frankly, the plot didn’t really appeal to me. Guess I have enough of dysfunctional women around and within me to not want to be read about them. Or maybe coz I’ve outgrown trashy novels. Or maybe coz I read too much lit stuff that my literary standards are waaayyy high… haha! I wish. But some parts of “Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married” are very well written, especially the persona’s reflections on depression and ex-bfs. Worth checking out if only just for that…
I’ve put on sooo much weight! *sobz* yea yea… I know weight is just a number, but the waist means a whole wardrobe of clothes. Haha!
Lurun was picked up by this guy on the mrt today… Babez, u’re now certified to be gorgeous! Not that I didn’t know before but now we know that with the brains comes an irresistible charm that even though you think u look unglam, young cute guys still pick u up… Man, it has never happened to me. *jealous narrowed-eye look*
Am gonna move to multiply.com. It’s now a decided fact, now I just need to think about setting up the network lists and all… quite tricky, that one… mah fan also.
Sigh…
Next paper: Sat 9am…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 28, 2005 |
0 comments
Randomly clicking when I saw this:
"no. at that point, i could only cry. and i guess god gave women tears so that she can express her feelings without physically hurting other people. make other people's heart break... yes, but i don't think tears hurt others physically."
Just reminded me of the discussions I've had with several ppl on the topic of tears.
Not to worry, mood's still cool. =)
Couple of ppl have been asking me why I'm in such a good mood these days. Just talking to Kapo bout it and we realized that ppl are quite suspiscious of good news... if I told you I'm down, u'll believe it more than if I told you I'm happy.
Interesting ya?
"no. at that point, i could only cry. and i guess god gave women tears so that she can express her feelings without physically hurting other people. make other people's heart break... yes, but i don't think tears hurt others physically."
Just reminded me of the discussions I've had with several ppl on the topic of tears.
Not to worry, mood's still cool. =)
Couple of ppl have been asking me why I'm in such a good mood these days. Just talking to Kapo bout it and we realized that ppl are quite suspiscious of good news... if I told you I'm down, u'll believe it more than if I told you I'm happy.
Interesting ya?
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 28, 2005 |
0 comments
Oh darn… Just can’t resist one last entry before I go to sleep. One thing I really like about MSN is that it really gives you a lot of insight about what is going on in your friend’s lives.
I was about to cite some friends’ nicks as examples but figured it’s better not to infringe on their privacy. So let me just try and use myself as a reference point or to give examples that I only vaguely remember which I therefore cannot quote specifically. Erm… come to think of it, I do that for my lit essays as well. Haha!
Today, my MSN nick was “Another happy day” which insinuates that I had a prior happy day. Now, my nicks are quite accurate in their representations of my state of mind. So does my blog actually, but not as many people read my blog. In other words, my MSN nick is akin to a mini blog…
If for instance, I put up some sad, sappy statement, it probably means that I’m feeling sad and sappy.
(note the alliteration! On a side note, when I write my lit essays, I utilize metaphors. Wonder if the tutor would spend that extra nanosecond thinking about how my metaphor conveys an additional layer of interpretation. Tutors marking the papers are supposed to be specialists at literary analysis right?)
…continued…
Coz I’m not one of those people who bother putting up a front with strangers.
(On yet another side note, I put up more fronts with people whom I care about than with those that I totally don’t give a damn about… which means that should you bother to ask me how I am upon seeing depressing MSN nicks for several days and I give you a “I’m ok lah. Just stressed with work” answer, it may mean that:
a) I’m really stressed with work
b) My problems are too personal to share with you
c) I actually care about what you!
Either option, it goes to show how I often say one thing and mean another. Terrible! Note to self: do something about it.)
Oh! But that’s a major digression…
I was trying say that nicks reflect moods. And I believe that a continuation of moods contribute to your personality. Therefore, if your nick is constantly:
Adam (offline)
It means that:
1. You’re really disciplined in not logging online to chat. Vs Adam (online)
2. You’re non exhibitionist. Vs Adam: the gorgeous (online)
3. You’re male. Vs ~a DaMe~ i luuurrrvvveee chocs n shopping (online)
(On that note, I have a huge problem with people who tYpe lIkE tHiS and who use words liddat arwayz 4 beri long periods of time. I think I have the makings of an English teacher. Haha!)
I’m gonna stop at 3 interpretations coz this post is kinda draggin longer than I expected. I still have quite a few points that I want to make regarding MSN nicks which, due to time constrains (I actually use this phrase in my exam script to remind the lecturers that my work is sucky because they only give me two hours to summarize the entire semester’s work. :p) I am only able to mention briefly in subsequent sections of this exposition.
But the point I was and am still trying to make is that: you can tell a fair bit about an individual’s personality after an extended period of monitoring their MSN nicks.
In summation, (this is how I end all my essays during exams… I think I’m now subconsciously practicing essay writing. Hah!) MSN nicks may be used not only as a tool of self expression but also as a medium for communication. Nicks allow people to share a side of themselves that they would otherwise be afraid or have no time to tell their friends. In this way, MSN nicks often become a call for help or attention in a rather public way that in the typical Singaporean fashion, many people would see but ignore.
Extending this trend of thought, where nicks are individuals’ assertions on particular situations or issues, then like any other utterance, nicks often act as pointed statements at certain characters on the MSN list.
To end of, let me illustrate with an example:
Me: Add (L) to your nick to spread some joy!
You (should): ~Adam~ spread (L)
Participate ya?
=)
I was about to cite some friends’ nicks as examples but figured it’s better not to infringe on their privacy. So let me just try and use myself as a reference point or to give examples that I only vaguely remember which I therefore cannot quote specifically. Erm… come to think of it, I do that for my lit essays as well. Haha!
Today, my MSN nick was “Another happy day” which insinuates that I had a prior happy day. Now, my nicks are quite accurate in their representations of my state of mind. So does my blog actually, but not as many people read my blog. In other words, my MSN nick is akin to a mini blog…
If for instance, I put up some sad, sappy statement, it probably means that I’m feeling sad and sappy.
(note the alliteration! On a side note, when I write my lit essays, I utilize metaphors. Wonder if the tutor would spend that extra nanosecond thinking about how my metaphor conveys an additional layer of interpretation. Tutors marking the papers are supposed to be specialists at literary analysis right?)
…continued…
Coz I’m not one of those people who bother putting up a front with strangers.
(On yet another side note, I put up more fronts with people whom I care about than with those that I totally don’t give a damn about… which means that should you bother to ask me how I am upon seeing depressing MSN nicks for several days and I give you a “I’m ok lah. Just stressed with work” answer, it may mean that:
a) I’m really stressed with work
b) My problems are too personal to share with you
c) I actually care about what you!
Either option, it goes to show how I often say one thing and mean another. Terrible! Note to self: do something about it.)
Oh! But that’s a major digression…
I was trying say that nicks reflect moods. And I believe that a continuation of moods contribute to your personality. Therefore, if your nick is constantly:
Adam (offline)
It means that:
1. You’re really disciplined in not logging online to chat. Vs Adam (online)
2. You’re non exhibitionist. Vs Adam: the gorgeous (online)
3. You’re male. Vs ~a DaMe~ i luuurrrvvveee chocs n shopping (online)
(On that note, I have a huge problem with people who tYpe lIkE tHiS and who use words liddat arwayz 4 beri long periods of time. I think I have the makings of an English teacher. Haha!)
I’m gonna stop at 3 interpretations coz this post is kinda draggin longer than I expected. I still have quite a few points that I want to make regarding MSN nicks which, due to time constrains (I actually use this phrase in my exam script to remind the lecturers that my work is sucky because they only give me two hours to summarize the entire semester’s work. :p) I am only able to mention briefly in subsequent sections of this exposition.
But the point I was and am still trying to make is that: you can tell a fair bit about an individual’s personality after an extended period of monitoring their MSN nicks.
In summation, (this is how I end all my essays during exams… I think I’m now subconsciously practicing essay writing. Hah!) MSN nicks may be used not only as a tool of self expression but also as a medium for communication. Nicks allow people to share a side of themselves that they would otherwise be afraid or have no time to tell their friends. In this way, MSN nicks often become a call for help or attention in a rather public way that in the typical Singaporean fashion, many people would see but ignore.
Extending this trend of thought, where nicks are individuals’ assertions on particular situations or issues, then like any other utterance, nicks often act as pointed statements at certain characters on the MSN list.
To end of, let me illustrate with an example:
Me: Add (L) to your nick to spread some joy!
You (should): ~Adam~ spread (L)
Participate ya?
=)
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 28, 2005 |
0 comments
Another happy day today!
Don’t ask me why I’m happy. I really don’t know why.
Maybe its coz exams have started and the brooding anticipation has dissipated?
Maybe coz I’ve been making everybody pray for me?
But one of the reasons may be coz today I had badass and fuzzybunn talk to. They’re surprisingly such a fantastic duo together, I laughed so much today, more than I have in months? Hmm… can’t remember till so far back but definitely haven’t laughed so much for darn long. Hee!
FB: take ur friend’s advise and go for a holiday la! Me and Badass are looking for ppl to go HK and Guangzhou/Shenzhen later in the hols. Think about it k?
Oh and people, the offer to go diving and for a holiday still stands! Contact me if you have the stamina to shop and eat… and please be fun-loving and easy going yea? Dun come and spoil my holiday… haha! I’m so frank…
Aiya… my entries are so blah and boring when I have no angst. Hee… But what the heck…. It’s a worth it trade off.
Pray this would last. I’m doing all I can not to change this equilibrium.
Hee…
*glowing*
Don’t ask me why I’m happy. I really don’t know why.
Maybe its coz exams have started and the brooding anticipation has dissipated?
Maybe coz I’ve been making everybody pray for me?
But one of the reasons may be coz today I had badass and fuzzybunn talk to. They’re surprisingly such a fantastic duo together, I laughed so much today, more than I have in months? Hmm… can’t remember till so far back but definitely haven’t laughed so much for darn long. Hee!
FB: take ur friend’s advise and go for a holiday la! Me and Badass are looking for ppl to go HK and Guangzhou/Shenzhen later in the hols. Think about it k?
Oh and people, the offer to go diving and for a holiday still stands! Contact me if you have the stamina to shop and eat… and please be fun-loving and easy going yea? Dun come and spoil my holiday… haha! I’m so frank…
Aiya… my entries are so blah and boring when I have no angst. Hee… But what the heck…. It’s a worth it trade off.
Pray this would last. I’m doing all I can not to change this equilibrium.
Hee…
*glowing*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, April 27, 2005 |
0 comments
The day ended quite well.
Woke up in the morning feeling worried about my first paper and sent out a round of SMSes to people whom I knew would keep their promise to pray for me. They didn’t disappoint. =)
So even though I detoured to the mental playground for a while in the afternoon… I’m sure you’ll see the outburst when you scroll down… Heh! I’m in a smiley, peaceful mood now. It’s a rare, beautiful moment these days. And even though I have another paper tomorrow, I just wanna make a note of it. To share the enjoyment, the blissful indulgence of being with myself with you. =)
For some unknown reason, I’m just beaming now. Wow… This joy that radiates is so pleasing. Just this wave of: I’m happy and I love myself… indescribable.
Savoring this moment of me by myself.
*beamz*
Gosh… this is better than being in love. Haha! Really… I can’t find words to explain nor sketch it. So, sorry… can’t share me with you today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before my exam at four plus, even though I didn’t cover everything, I felt so unbothered about the paper. It wasn’t one of those given up therefore calm situations, but this general assurance that really, “In the end, it’ll be ok. If it ain’t ok, then it ain’t the end”. A sort of confidence in providence that “life has its way of working out”…
After I got off the bus, at my house, I smelt this really sweet scent, probably from a tree nearby. Similar to the sweet aroma that this tree at the bus stop in school (before com centre, opposite the field outside LT11, go smell it k?) emits. The waft just jolted me into this lightness of mood.
I took the longer path back home, the one that would allow me to walk under the stars alone. It was nice…
This is nice.
*smilez*
(My cheeks are literally aching from the constant smiling.)
K, I know in context with the “schizophrenic” posts before this, (In iTz words! :p) this post is quite out of place. I know I do swing up and down but today, this moment is really just exceptionally beautiful.
Wish you were here to bask in this as well. =)
Woke up in the morning feeling worried about my first paper and sent out a round of SMSes to people whom I knew would keep their promise to pray for me. They didn’t disappoint. =)
So even though I detoured to the mental playground for a while in the afternoon… I’m sure you’ll see the outburst when you scroll down… Heh! I’m in a smiley, peaceful mood now. It’s a rare, beautiful moment these days. And even though I have another paper tomorrow, I just wanna make a note of it. To share the enjoyment, the blissful indulgence of being with myself with you. =)
For some unknown reason, I’m just beaming now. Wow… This joy that radiates is so pleasing. Just this wave of: I’m happy and I love myself… indescribable.
Savoring this moment of me by myself.
*beamz*
Gosh… this is better than being in love. Haha! Really… I can’t find words to explain nor sketch it. So, sorry… can’t share me with you today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before my exam at four plus, even though I didn’t cover everything, I felt so unbothered about the paper. It wasn’t one of those given up therefore calm situations, but this general assurance that really, “In the end, it’ll be ok. If it ain’t ok, then it ain’t the end”. A sort of confidence in providence that “life has its way of working out”…
After I got off the bus, at my house, I smelt this really sweet scent, probably from a tree nearby. Similar to the sweet aroma that this tree at the bus stop in school (before com centre, opposite the field outside LT11, go smell it k?) emits. The waft just jolted me into this lightness of mood.
I took the longer path back home, the one that would allow me to walk under the stars alone. It was nice…
This is nice.
*smilez*
(My cheeks are literally aching from the constant smiling.)
K, I know in context with the “schizophrenic” posts before this, (In iTz words! :p) this post is quite out of place. I know I do swing up and down but today, this moment is really just exceptionally beautiful.
Wish you were here to bask in this as well. =)
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, April 27, 2005 |
0 comments
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suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck 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suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck 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suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck
SUCK
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 26, 2005 |
0 comments
I don’t get perks that make my day coz I have no grand passion. My quick fixes are cheap thrills… and dreams of grand escapades. I’m beginning to realize that simplicity and nihilism have their charms.
Denial of self.
Denial of dreams.
Denial…in.
Denial of self.
Denial of dreams.
Denial…in.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 26, 2005 |
0 comments
Visited the mental play ground this evening and sat on my favorite mood swing. Going up, screaming at everyone was fun for a while, but the ride down was so swift…before I knew it, my feet touched the sand and I sat there, all alone, swaying… swaying…
Experience made me empathetic. I used to feel really bewildered at why people can’t just jump off the swing. When I was young and strong and fearless, I would just leap off. Never mind scraping my knees. Now I’m like lead. Now I know how hard it is when the will seems only to be able to exist after one’s death.
Experience made me less arrogant. It took two to make me realize that sometimes, supposed grownups can’t control time span. Much less late teens… I’m duly humbled and ashamed.
Experience made me scared of myself. Coz without divine intervention, my thoughts and what I would like to do can be alarmingly self-destructive. It’s time to sleep and the lights are supposed to be off but I just want to flick the switch on and off, on and off, on and off…until the bulb fuses and goes “Pop!” My fly-away thoughts scare me.
Separate the narrator from the author. But how wonderful it would be if we love the ones who are trying to forget us instead of the ones whom we’re trying to forget…
Did I mention that my wallet is full of rubbish? Little slips of sweet nothings, receipts that document spent money and time, keepsakes… that are really very small things but they just add up. So everyday, I lug around a burdened wallet…
At some point in time though, memories lose that pathos and put on the thick, foreign cloak of nostalgia. And I spoke to clouds that have drifted past, discussed the shade it provides now… today, it is shade to me and no longer shadow.
It’s a cloudy day.
Experience made me empathetic. I used to feel really bewildered at why people can’t just jump off the swing. When I was young and strong and fearless, I would just leap off. Never mind scraping my knees. Now I’m like lead. Now I know how hard it is when the will seems only to be able to exist after one’s death.
Experience made me less arrogant. It took two to make me realize that sometimes, supposed grownups can’t control time span. Much less late teens… I’m duly humbled and ashamed.
Experience made me scared of myself. Coz without divine intervention, my thoughts and what I would like to do can be alarmingly self-destructive. It’s time to sleep and the lights are supposed to be off but I just want to flick the switch on and off, on and off, on and off…until the bulb fuses and goes “Pop!” My fly-away thoughts scare me.
Separate the narrator from the author. But how wonderful it would be if we love the ones who are trying to forget us instead of the ones whom we’re trying to forget…
Did I mention that my wallet is full of rubbish? Little slips of sweet nothings, receipts that document spent money and time, keepsakes… that are really very small things but they just add up. So everyday, I lug around a burdened wallet…
At some point in time though, memories lose that pathos and put on the thick, foreign cloak of nostalgia. And I spoke to clouds that have drifted past, discussed the shade it provides now… today, it is shade to me and no longer shadow.
It’s a cloudy day.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 26, 2005 |
0 comments
Anyone wants to join the EFG club?
The ex-fat girls support group... we have sooo many common issues and post trauma reactions. I'm serious.
For the record: add another broken heart to the tab!
The ex-fat girls support group... we have sooo many common issues and post trauma reactions. I'm serious.
For the record: add another broken heart to the tab!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, April 25, 2005 |
0 comments
This guy I know is always saying that I have things easy in life. I guess I do…
My parents are married. They quarrel and all and my dad tells me stuff that he keeps from my mom since my tender age of 15, that’s when he started driving me to school in the morning, coz before that our family couldn’t afford a car, by being his confidante, it now gives me lots of anxiety bout men in general.
But yea, they’re relatively happy.
Everybody in the family is healthy except for my grandmother who had two heart attacks and who bears this grudge against this grand aunt so that I’m worried that she’ll die one day, old and angry with my grandfather as well who just told me today that he coughed blood and TTS called at 10 plus at night to say that it might be TB and they’re worried it might spread which no one told my grandpa until he said tonight that he was so glad that he’s ok now. At which my dad told him that actually his test report isn’t out yet and won’t be out for another two months and I saw my grandpa’s face just drop and I felt so sorry for him.
But yea, everybody’s healthy.
I don’t seem to have to work very hard to do okay in school. Which is true coz I scored high PSLE grades by doing tons of assessment books and tests papers which were in addition to the homework from school that I hated to do and so always hid them and without fail my teachers would call up my mom to complain and then I would fear going to school, always hoping to be sick but never succeeding, when I reach home from school, my mom would cane me and I remember lots of welts and tears that ten years later my mom realized that it could have been considered child abuse.
But yea, I attended top schools.
I could go on but at the end of the day, it boils down to a half full or half empty cup.
“Please sir, may I have some more?” ~Dickens~
My parents are married. They quarrel and all and my dad tells me stuff that he keeps from my mom since my tender age of 15, that’s when he started driving me to school in the morning, coz before that our family couldn’t afford a car, by being his confidante, it now gives me lots of anxiety bout men in general.
But yea, they’re relatively happy.
Everybody in the family is healthy except for my grandmother who had two heart attacks and who bears this grudge against this grand aunt so that I’m worried that she’ll die one day, old and angry with my grandfather as well who just told me today that he coughed blood and TTS called at 10 plus at night to say that it might be TB and they’re worried it might spread which no one told my grandpa until he said tonight that he was so glad that he’s ok now. At which my dad told him that actually his test report isn’t out yet and won’t be out for another two months and I saw my grandpa’s face just drop and I felt so sorry for him.
But yea, everybody’s healthy.
I don’t seem to have to work very hard to do okay in school. Which is true coz I scored high PSLE grades by doing tons of assessment books and tests papers which were in addition to the homework from school that I hated to do and so always hid them and without fail my teachers would call up my mom to complain and then I would fear going to school, always hoping to be sick but never succeeding, when I reach home from school, my mom would cane me and I remember lots of welts and tears that ten years later my mom realized that it could have been considered child abuse.
But yea, I attended top schools.
I could go on but at the end of the day, it boils down to a half full or half empty cup.
“Please sir, may I have some more?” ~Dickens~
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, April 25, 2005 |
0 comments
EXPOSE!!! The following are the 2 idiots in my life who are more body obsessed than I am. Talks bout me and my body like I'm not around... Morons whom I love... Sigh. The sadist in me seeks out people who will pick fights and torment me. =S Anyway, the ugly one with the better bod is my bro. The other one is the surrogate brother... 
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 24, 2005 |
0 comments
~manhuntie~ Note the nice angle and composition.... I am gooooood......
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 24, 2005 |
0 comments
Oh, I just need to lament at some things. Simply for the sake of lamenting… There are certain things that I had hope I would accomplish in my lifetime which, I realize, I would never ever get to do…
Oh! Barely into my twenties and I’m living a life of regrets already!
Woe! Woe!
That, was called a dramatic moment.
For one, though MOE would have paid for it, though it would have frozen my CAP, though it would have been 6 months of great fun, no work and life enriching experience… By some strange twist of fate and circumstances, as I’m looking at the last year of undergraduate studies and having some people rub their jubilance at my sore spot, I bemoan the fact that I’ll never, ever in my life go on student exchange.
*boo hoo hoo*
Sadistically, I went to check out the list of ppl who have been allocated places next year, and what do I see? So many familiar names from the elit cohort… *whimpers*
Then, there’s my received dream from childhood that I’ll marry the first guy I date. I say received coz it’s something my mom inculcated in me (the cynical part of me says “brainwashed”!)… See, my parents were each other’s first loves. And they’ve been together for 23 years, relatively happily. Add the fact that they were primary school classmates. Then when the government relocated their (same) “kampong”, they lived in blocks opposite each other. I mean seriously, is it a provincial fantasy or what?
Oh anyway, of the two kids in the family, yours truly is the black sheep coz mommy’s beloved tyrant is still holding out for his pure, domesticated, long haired, doe eyed, gentle, non-opinionated, NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND one true love. *ugh*
While I’m griping, let me add on to the third thing I’ll never be. I’ll never be my brother’s, my surrogate brother’s, my mom’s idea of a perfect girl/daughter. Noticeably, I left out my dad coz other than the fact that I’m of the wrong sex, I think my dad likes me just fine. The above mentioned three people in my life, whom I hold dear, have this extremely archaic notion that 女子无才必是德. For the ethnically non-Chinese or the linguistically non-Chinese or the softwarely non-Chinese, that line of gibberish roughly translates to: a woman without talent is virtuous. I’m not blowing my trumpet/horn/tuba that I’m super talented. But by the fact that I challenge those two muscularly overcompensated brains, I am not virtuous.
WTF???
Why is it that in this day and age, I am still surrounded by men whose ideal female can be found in the school for the intellectually disable? No offense to the intellectually challenged but equipped with a low IQ and practical life skills like cooking and doing housework they actually make good wives! Wait… I forgot to add in the other criteria! I’m sure you can guess…Yes! Cute face and hot body!
Such cavemen!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Buay tahan.
Tak boleh tahan.
Cannot take it lah!
To top of this highly SDU-ic post, here’s an extract from a conversation with Strongman.
and hey, dun go ard tellin peeps u wanna get married at 25!! some guys may be scared off
haha... i dun care
if they're gonna be scared off, even better
haha
less trouble for me
hee
hahaha...
coz if u get hitched, and the guy already knows u wanna get married at 25, he'll feel damn stressed lehz hahahahahahaha
i dun care
he better be prepared before he come and disturb me
hahahhaa
Hahaha!
Feel so much better after the mini-bitch session...
Oh! Barely into my twenties and I’m living a life of regrets already!
Woe! Woe!
That, was called a dramatic moment.
For one, though MOE would have paid for it, though it would have frozen my CAP, though it would have been 6 months of great fun, no work and life enriching experience… By some strange twist of fate and circumstances, as I’m looking at the last year of undergraduate studies and having some people rub their jubilance at my sore spot, I bemoan the fact that I’ll never, ever in my life go on student exchange.
*boo hoo hoo*
Sadistically, I went to check out the list of ppl who have been allocated places next year, and what do I see? So many familiar names from the elit cohort… *whimpers*
Then, there’s my received dream from childhood that I’ll marry the first guy I date. I say received coz it’s something my mom inculcated in me (the cynical part of me says “brainwashed”!)… See, my parents were each other’s first loves. And they’ve been together for 23 years, relatively happily. Add the fact that they were primary school classmates. Then when the government relocated their (same) “kampong”, they lived in blocks opposite each other. I mean seriously, is it a provincial fantasy or what?
Oh anyway, of the two kids in the family, yours truly is the black sheep coz mommy’s beloved tyrant is still holding out for his pure, domesticated, long haired, doe eyed, gentle, non-opinionated, NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND one true love. *ugh*
While I’m griping, let me add on to the third thing I’ll never be. I’ll never be my brother’s, my surrogate brother’s, my mom’s idea of a perfect girl/daughter. Noticeably, I left out my dad coz other than the fact that I’m of the wrong sex, I think my dad likes me just fine. The above mentioned three people in my life, whom I hold dear, have this extremely archaic notion that 女子无才必是德. For the ethnically non-Chinese or the linguistically non-Chinese or the softwarely non-Chinese, that line of gibberish roughly translates to: a woman without talent is virtuous. I’m not blowing my trumpet/horn/tuba that I’m super talented. But by the fact that I challenge those two muscularly overcompensated brains, I am not virtuous.
WTF???
Why is it that in this day and age, I am still surrounded by men whose ideal female can be found in the school for the intellectually disable? No offense to the intellectually challenged but equipped with a low IQ and practical life skills like cooking and doing housework they actually make good wives! Wait… I forgot to add in the other criteria! I’m sure you can guess…Yes! Cute face and hot body!
Such cavemen!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Buay tahan.
Tak boleh tahan.
Cannot take it lah!
To top of this highly SDU-ic post, here’s an extract from a conversation with Strongman.
and hey, dun go ard tellin peeps u wanna get married at 25!! some guys may be scared off
haha... i dun care
if they're gonna be scared off, even better
haha
less trouble for me
hee
hahaha...
coz if u get hitched, and the guy already knows u wanna get married at 25, he'll feel damn stressed lehz hahahahahahaha
i dun care
he better be prepared before he come and disturb me
hahahhaa
Hahaha!
Feel so much better after the mini-bitch session...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 24, 2005 |
0 comments
I'm so screwed... so far behind on revision!
*tears at hair*
and I feel like I'm slipping back into a scary vortex of familarity...
*frowns and moans in agony*
and I'm pissed at my mom...
*screams*
and there isn't any interesting blogs to read coz everybody's apparently busy mugging...
*bleahz*
and I'm bored and lonely
*this is an irrational fear*
and no body leaves me alone at home
*covers ears... lalala*
and the computer's giving me problems
*argh!*
and I just wanna moan
*moan moan moan*
*tears at hair*
and I feel like I'm slipping back into a scary vortex of familarity...
*frowns and moans in agony*
and I'm pissed at my mom...
*screams*
and there isn't any interesting blogs to read coz everybody's apparently busy mugging...
*bleahz*
and I'm bored and lonely
*this is an irrational fear*
and no body leaves me alone at home
*covers ears... lalala*
and the computer's giving me problems
*argh!*
and I just wanna moan
*moan moan moan*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 23, 2005 |
0 comments
The quiz says...
I say...
Men notice me coz I'm noisy.
What do you mean afford to be picky? I'm relatively young...
*1 sabbatical year and 2 years more to 25...*
I'm not looking for memorable, I'm looking for a lifetime... *aww*
Worth the wait for who?
My dad says...
I'm not choosy enough...
Men See You As ChoosyMen notice you light years before you notice them You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |  |
I say...
Men notice me coz I'm noisy.
What do you mean afford to be picky? I'm relatively young...
*1 sabbatical year and 2 years more to 25...*
I'm not looking for memorable, I'm looking for a lifetime... *aww*
Worth the wait for who?
My dad says...
I'm not choosy enough...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, April 22, 2005 |
0 comments
Okay, so I have been doing some male bashing lately. And as we all know, (I assume you’ve been reading newspaper columns and all) male bashing on our little red dot of a country is often centered around how pathetic, ungentlemanly, uncreative, not spontaneous our local men are. SPGs (Sarong Party Girls aka angmoh-philes) have gone so far to attack the effeminate Asian man (before I get a whole load of backlash, this is quite a common academic concept) for the limitations of his *ahem* tool.
In the spirit of making up to those poor, emotional men who bore the brunt of my bitching… check out this article. It’s from Reuters. I’m infringing on some copyright law or something coz:
Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters
Anyway, here it goes...
HONG KONG - Chinese men have no reason to feel inferior about the size of their penises, according to a Hong Kong study which showed local men measured up to others elsewhere in the world below the belt.
“Our conclusion is that Hong Kong people are no smaller than western men, where their penises are concerned,” said Chan Lung-wai, director of the Urology Center at the Union Hospital, who headed the study.
“There has always been the myth that westerners have bigger penises and their (sexual) ability is better.”
(No one ever studies bout the ability part...)
A group of scientists in Hong Kong spent five months from October last year measuring 148 ethnic Chinese volunteers aged between 23 and 93.
The average length of their flaccid penises was 8.46 centimeters (3.4 inches), which compared favorably with similar studies on other men overseas.
Germans have average lengths of about 8.6 centimeters, Israelis 8.3, Turks 7.8 and Filipinos 7.35. Italians were the longest at 9 centimeters and Americans averaged 8.8.
(Tsk... leave the ruler alone)
The study did not measure the penises when they were erect.
(Awkwardness aside, can you imagine the specifications that will come with including that factor in the study? I mean, with a penile implant, a man is functional with a semi-erection. So who needs youth and virility?)
It found that a man’s height bore no relation to the length of his member, but those with higher body mass indexes, or fat content, appeared to have shorter penises.
(So if you’re fat, you are double handicapped when it comes to the getting the babes department! Diet!!!)
“It seems that as someone gets older and fatter, his blood vessels change, so the penile size is not static. It may be a reflection of the condition of the person’s blood vessels,” Chan said, adding that this could spur yet another study.
(It’s worse when you get old! *gasp*)
By and by, I heard on the news today that the rate of miscarriages increases for not just moms who are above 35 but also for older dads! So you guys who are thinking of extending your bachelorhood for the maximum number of years…something else to consider…
=)
See, I can do one of these news related post too! *bleahz*
In the spirit of making up to those poor, emotional men who bore the brunt of my bitching… check out this article. It’s from Reuters. I’m infringing on some copyright law or something coz:
Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters
Anyway, here it goes...
HONG KONG - Chinese men have no reason to feel inferior about the size of their penises, according to a Hong Kong study which showed local men measured up to others elsewhere in the world below the belt.
“Our conclusion is that Hong Kong people are no smaller than western men, where their penises are concerned,” said Chan Lung-wai, director of the Urology Center at the Union Hospital, who headed the study.
“There has always been the myth that westerners have bigger penises and their (sexual) ability is better.”
(No one ever studies bout the ability part...)
A group of scientists in Hong Kong spent five months from October last year measuring 148 ethnic Chinese volunteers aged between 23 and 93.
The average length of their flaccid penises was 8.46 centimeters (3.4 inches), which compared favorably with similar studies on other men overseas.
Germans have average lengths of about 8.6 centimeters, Israelis 8.3, Turks 7.8 and Filipinos 7.35. Italians were the longest at 9 centimeters and Americans averaged 8.8.
(Tsk... leave the ruler alone)
The study did not measure the penises when they were erect.
(Awkwardness aside, can you imagine the specifications that will come with including that factor in the study? I mean, with a penile implant, a man is functional with a semi-erection. So who needs youth and virility?)
It found that a man’s height bore no relation to the length of his member, but those with higher body mass indexes, or fat content, appeared to have shorter penises.
(So if you’re fat, you are double handicapped when it comes to the getting the babes department! Diet!!!)
“It seems that as someone gets older and fatter, his blood vessels change, so the penile size is not static. It may be a reflection of the condition of the person’s blood vessels,” Chan said, adding that this could spur yet another study.
(It’s worse when you get old! *gasp*)
By and by, I heard on the news today that the rate of miscarriages increases for not just moms who are above 35 but also for older dads! So you guys who are thinking of extending your bachelorhood for the maximum number of years…something else to consider…
=)
See, I can do one of these news related post too! *bleahz*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, April 22, 2005 |
0 comments
On the comment issue, I realised that I've been linked without my knowing about it... sigh. Silly me...
Gonna switch to multiply... I'll update again on that one.
Here's a quote from George Eliot's "The Mill on the Floss" that spoke to me today:
"Perhaps there is inevitably something morbid in a human being who is in any way unfavourably excepted from ordinary conditions until the good force has had time to triumph, and it has rarely had time for that at two-and-twenty." (344)
The age is spookingly accurate! =)
Mood? Moody...
Gonna switch to multiply... I'll update again on that one.
Here's a quote from George Eliot's "The Mill on the Floss" that spoke to me today:
"Perhaps there is inevitably something morbid in a human being who is in any way unfavourably excepted from ordinary conditions until the good force has had time to triumph, and it has rarely had time for that at two-and-twenty." (344)
The age is spookingly accurate! =)
Mood? Moody...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, April 22, 2005 |
0 comments
Was actually contemplating leaving the blog significantly unposted today. But figured, there’s no need to add to the melodrama. There is already enough excitement generated already… and as I always say, I’m a pacifist. =)
First things first:
Dafunkmusik, there’s a conspiracy theory that you wrote THE evil comment and then directed everybody’s attention to it. I trust you would like to defend yourself? If you’re shy, just drop me a sms or msn msg (yeow01@hotmail.com) k? I’m not angry at you for lurking around my tagboard. =) *hugz* ;p
Speaking of conspiracy theories, I heard a couple this morning that made me sit up and raise my eyebrow (if I could) at the level of creativity young people have these days.
a) that I put the evil comment up myself to generate site traffic. I must say… NO! crazy… I may be just that teeny weenie itsy bitsy delusional but I’m not schizophrenic… yet.
Haha!
b) that one of my friends put up that evil comment and then later responded to show support. In reply to that, I’m just amazed that someone out there goes through so much trouble to prove that he/she is my friend. I feel sooo superstar! So loved… *awwww* Darling, next time just tell me straight k? Or buy me a present. I’ll love you too.
Haha!
Anyway, let’s just leave the matter to rest. From henceforth, I’m giving evil commenter the benefit of the doubt. I shall assume that he (no female will write that) was momentarily agitated at the disrespect shown to his grand and noble sex (by sex I mean whether you are a boy-boy or a girl-girl. Not whether u have that dangly bit. Coz masculinity is a social construct. By the by, my parenthesis is developing into a paragraph, maybe I should start inserting footnotes into my essay long entries but I can’t help it…Just had to throw in this nugget of sociological trivial…hee.) and was taken away in his flood of good intentions and typed without thinking in detail about his diction and syntax. So, peace ya?
And in L’s defense, this part will be a real “huh?” bit to most people coz not many people even know who L is. But to those suspicious ppl out there, if the guy says it’s not him, then it’s not him lah. Cut some slack k?
Lastly, the best thing that came out of this incident is that as strong-man says, I have a very good cushion of friends around. Thanks darlings for speaking up for me. It’s really nice to know you all, and to count you gals (sld I count fuzzybunny? He was too mildly sarcastic in comparison… hmm…) and… guys as friends. Thank God for friends!
Ok. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to new stuff!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So today, being Wednesday, I went to do that thing which I said I’ll do. (Scroll down a bit if the ‘saga’ has robbed u of other recollections) Hee… It’s nothing much really, just made an appointment to meet up with this lady who does some counseling.
The main point is, I’m feeling much better now. She helped me see a lot of things into perspective. I won’t go into details but there’s this rather interesting bit that relates to the male bashing thing which I think was timely revelation.
You see, I belong to this generation of kids where our parents still had dim hopes that their first-born would be a son. My dad is not an exception. It’s not like he would have drowned me or turned my face down into the mud when he spotted the pink bundle the nurses held out to him. He merely took his time to come and visit me. To be specific, he only came to see his first born daughter the next day after work. But according to sources that embarrass dad, he rushed down immediately to see his younger son. *bleahz* (Anyway, I forgive him for that act of insensitiveness. Hee!) To be fair, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my dad’s the man who loves me most on earth. But the thing is, his hope never really died but lingers around haunting me.
So since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be a boy. In order to win my dad’s love, I have to show that I can be just as good as any guy. As an aside, I have to say that before I had breasts, I was quite successful as the “tomboy”. I made it a point to swim faster, climb higher, score better and engage in more daring aka naughty stunts than the boys around me cos in addition to wanting to be a boy, but I had to be better than the boys. The problem is, at the end of the day, rather biological: I am not and never will be truly guy.
This competitive streak to win someone’s love extends to a great many areas of my life as well. Subconsciously, I have to be something to win someone. Be it the funniest, the sweetest, the most fun or the grand love of your life. Being myself is never good enough. And the destructive part is, if I can’t win this game, then I’d rather pull out and not play by your rules.
I realize today that this has to change. I have to see that I’m developing relationships, so henceforth, I will endeavor to enjoy someone for who they are and let them enjoy me and my company just as it is. It sounds soooo cliché and simple but the challenging part is always in the execution.
But I’m glad that it has been highlighted to me that the change is also gradual. It takes a lot of time to undo 22 years of one’s life. First, I’ve gotta prioritize what’s important and “just do it”. (see how even my resolution is task oriented? This is my instinctive way of perceiving things! Ai ai…)
It would be a lifelong process. So, as long as I blog and as long as you read, I sure hope that my mood elevation is not a temporary high. Rather, I hope that as you read more about my thoughts, joys and struggles, you’ll sense my growth and hopefully, one day in the distant future, what I write today would be documentation for another wounded soul that changes are possible.
Keep me in prayer yea?
*smilez*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a brighter note, I finally have broadband at home! Yea!!!
*confetti*
Plus I have wireless at home, which means I can surf at high speed in my room! Double Yea!!!
*more confetti*
Plus lots of hopping and prancing around in jubilation. Hee..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an even more luminous note, S (my mentor) and B are getting married!
And I’ve been tasked to think of ideas for the wedding invitations, wedding favors and guest books!
Oh! So fun!!
The theme is “A heavenly match on earth” and the color theme is a grayish blue. If anyone has any bright ideas, drop a comment k?
I’m so excited about it, there’ll be an engagement party in June and I’ve got enough time after exams to get into shape for the new dress! (which I haven’t bought but will go and source) Haha!
Their marriage will soooo be a great one! Can’t wait for the wedding already!
And it’s not even mine!
*heh*
Okie, that’s bout all for today. It’s so far…1259 words… haha… there’s like a 15% essay! =) if you didn’t bother to read through everything and just scrolled to the end, let me summarize for your benefit:
Today’s great. Tomorrow will be better and good things happen to me too!
=D
First things first:
Dafunkmusik, there’s a conspiracy theory that you wrote THE evil comment and then directed everybody’s attention to it. I trust you would like to defend yourself? If you’re shy, just drop me a sms or msn msg (yeow01@hotmail.com) k? I’m not angry at you for lurking around my tagboard. =) *hugz* ;p
Speaking of conspiracy theories, I heard a couple this morning that made me sit up and raise my eyebrow (if I could) at the level of creativity young people have these days.
a) that I put the evil comment up myself to generate site traffic. I must say… NO! crazy… I may be just that teeny weenie itsy bitsy delusional but I’m not schizophrenic… yet.
Haha!
b) that one of my friends put up that evil comment and then later responded to show support. In reply to that, I’m just amazed that someone out there goes through so much trouble to prove that he/she is my friend. I feel sooo superstar! So loved… *awwww* Darling, next time just tell me straight k? Or buy me a present. I’ll love you too.
Haha!
Anyway, let’s just leave the matter to rest. From henceforth, I’m giving evil commenter the benefit of the doubt. I shall assume that he (no female will write that) was momentarily agitated at the disrespect shown to his grand and noble sex (by sex I mean whether you are a boy-boy or a girl-girl. Not whether u have that dangly bit. Coz masculinity is a social construct. By the by, my parenthesis is developing into a paragraph, maybe I should start inserting footnotes into my essay long entries but I can’t help it…Just had to throw in this nugget of sociological trivial…hee.) and was taken away in his flood of good intentions and typed without thinking in detail about his diction and syntax. So, peace ya?
And in L’s defense, this part will be a real “huh?” bit to most people coz not many people even know who L is. But to those suspicious ppl out there, if the guy says it’s not him, then it’s not him lah. Cut some slack k?
Lastly, the best thing that came out of this incident is that as strong-man says, I have a very good cushion of friends around. Thanks darlings for speaking up for me. It’s really nice to know you all, and to count you gals (sld I count fuzzybunny? He was too mildly sarcastic in comparison… hmm…) and… guys as friends. Thank God for friends!
Ok. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to new stuff!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So today, being Wednesday, I went to do that thing which I said I’ll do. (Scroll down a bit if the ‘saga’ has robbed u of other recollections) Hee… It’s nothing much really, just made an appointment to meet up with this lady who does some counseling.
The main point is, I’m feeling much better now. She helped me see a lot of things into perspective. I won’t go into details but there’s this rather interesting bit that relates to the male bashing thing which I think was timely revelation.
You see, I belong to this generation of kids where our parents still had dim hopes that their first-born would be a son. My dad is not an exception. It’s not like he would have drowned me or turned my face down into the mud when he spotted the pink bundle the nurses held out to him. He merely took his time to come and visit me. To be specific, he only came to see his first born daughter the next day after work. But according to sources that embarrass dad, he rushed down immediately to see his younger son. *bleahz* (Anyway, I forgive him for that act of insensitiveness. Hee!) To be fair, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my dad’s the man who loves me most on earth. But the thing is, his hope never really died but lingers around haunting me.
So since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be a boy. In order to win my dad’s love, I have to show that I can be just as good as any guy. As an aside, I have to say that before I had breasts, I was quite successful as the “tomboy”. I made it a point to swim faster, climb higher, score better and engage in more daring aka naughty stunts than the boys around me cos in addition to wanting to be a boy, but I had to be better than the boys. The problem is, at the end of the day, rather biological: I am not and never will be truly guy.
This competitive streak to win someone’s love extends to a great many areas of my life as well. Subconsciously, I have to be something to win someone. Be it the funniest, the sweetest, the most fun or the grand love of your life. Being myself is never good enough. And the destructive part is, if I can’t win this game, then I’d rather pull out and not play by your rules.
I realize today that this has to change. I have to see that I’m developing relationships, so henceforth, I will endeavor to enjoy someone for who they are and let them enjoy me and my company just as it is. It sounds soooo cliché and simple but the challenging part is always in the execution.
But I’m glad that it has been highlighted to me that the change is also gradual. It takes a lot of time to undo 22 years of one’s life. First, I’ve gotta prioritize what’s important and “just do it”. (see how even my resolution is task oriented? This is my instinctive way of perceiving things! Ai ai…)
It would be a lifelong process. So, as long as I blog and as long as you read, I sure hope that my mood elevation is not a temporary high. Rather, I hope that as you read more about my thoughts, joys and struggles, you’ll sense my growth and hopefully, one day in the distant future, what I write today would be documentation for another wounded soul that changes are possible.
Keep me in prayer yea?
*smilez*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a brighter note, I finally have broadband at home! Yea!!!
*confetti*
Plus I have wireless at home, which means I can surf at high speed in my room! Double Yea!!!
*more confetti*
Plus lots of hopping and prancing around in jubilation. Hee..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an even more luminous note, S (my mentor) and B are getting married!
And I’ve been tasked to think of ideas for the wedding invitations, wedding favors and guest books!
Oh! So fun!!
The theme is “A heavenly match on earth” and the color theme is a grayish blue. If anyone has any bright ideas, drop a comment k?
I’m so excited about it, there’ll be an engagement party in June and I’ve got enough time after exams to get into shape for the new dress! (which I haven’t bought but will go and source) Haha!
Their marriage will soooo be a great one! Can’t wait for the wedding already!
And it’s not even mine!
*heh*
Okie, that’s bout all for today. It’s so far…1259 words… haha… there’s like a 15% essay! =) if you didn’t bother to read through everything and just scrolled to the end, let me summarize for your benefit:
Today’s great. Tomorrow will be better and good things happen to me too!
=D
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 21, 2005 |
0 comments
Dear first anonymous commenter,
I’m replying you here coz the mysterious dafunkmusik has made your reply extremely public and to save everybody (ok, I’m exaggerating) the trouble of clicking all over the place, I’ll just post my reply here.
Thanks for your (professed) good intentions. Do keep posting your comments on my dysfunctional life. I hope you’re vivaciously reading because your life is so full and meaningful.
First of all, let me clarify that the “man bashing” post was inspired by this particular guy friend whom I’ve never blogged about previously. So in case anyone’s guessing who the male whiner is… you don’t know him. But in case I do have to bitch bout him in future, he’s gonna be named… milk.
Well, I really have no strength to defend myself. So I’m gonna let your comments stand. It’s not that I agree with them wholesale, but just that I’m too tired to respond to your grave assertions.
Also, sometimes, I write to entertain. This is one such instance. So was the 10 reasons I would rather be a guy one… such entries are written tongue in cheek. Don’t read too much into it.
(Unless you’re one of those bastards... Then you should read and then feel guilty and then drop dead and die. Come’on! I’m not that effective and powerful a writer to influence the minds of all who read my blog. Cut me some slack…)
And yes, I’ve been told a couple of times this week that I’m not “normal”. I might appear to be delusional sometimes, but yea, I am very aware that I’m abnormal. Thanks for pointing it out to me, yet again, like that is gonna help. But not to worry, I am working on it. One day, I’ll be the most normal and stoic and boring person ever. And I’ll blog about why Singapore’s economic situation is so desperate that we have to have a casino and how the education system is so screwed up and producing nutcases like me…
Look forward to that day yea?
And on that note, yes, I know I’m not smart. You’re reading my blog only because I told you about its existence and I trust you as a friend and I wanna share my problems with you. I trust that you’re reading regularly coz you care about how I am, and even though we can’t meet up all the time, I care for you enough to want u to know how I am.
I know that exposing my insecurities and issues to the public is stupid coz some people will judge me and thus condemn me as an inferior person. Some days I don’t know why I bother also. But I trust you. I trust that you’re concerned bout me, I trust that when you comment it is out of love, I trust that you won’t go around telling people and spreading rumors bout me. I trust that I placed my trust correctly in you as a friend.
And I’m crying now.
Telling you this not because I wanna blackmail you, but just thinking about the potential betrayal is so hard and so scary. It’s akin to me showing you all the weak spots on my armor and then having you attack me at those precise spots.
I come clean with my weaknesses because I’m weak and cowardly and whiny and pathetic and don’t treasure myself and can’t handle my emotions in a better way… this is a hidden cry for you to be gentle to me, to be nice, to hold my hand, to take care of me…
In any event that you are not my friend, do me a favor and buzz off.
I may not be able to live with myself, but I sure as hell don’t need more self-righteous and pompous prigs in my life. I make myself miserable enough already.
(I’m quite sure you’re a guy, so at my last ditch attempt to hit below the belt: It’s men like you who give other men a bad name…)
So, thanks but no thanks.
Yours sincerely,
An increasingly pissed off,
Me
I’m replying you here coz the mysterious dafunkmusik has made your reply extremely public and to save everybody (ok, I’m exaggerating) the trouble of clicking all over the place, I’ll just post my reply here.
Thanks for your (professed) good intentions. Do keep posting your comments on my dysfunctional life. I hope you’re vivaciously reading because your life is so full and meaningful.
First of all, let me clarify that the “man bashing” post was inspired by this particular guy friend whom I’ve never blogged about previously. So in case anyone’s guessing who the male whiner is… you don’t know him. But in case I do have to bitch bout him in future, he’s gonna be named… milk.
Well, I really have no strength to defend myself. So I’m gonna let your comments stand. It’s not that I agree with them wholesale, but just that I’m too tired to respond to your grave assertions.
Also, sometimes, I write to entertain. This is one such instance. So was the 10 reasons I would rather be a guy one… such entries are written tongue in cheek. Don’t read too much into it.
(Unless you’re one of those bastards... Then you should read and then feel guilty and then drop dead and die. Come’on! I’m not that effective and powerful a writer to influence the minds of all who read my blog. Cut me some slack…)
And yes, I’ve been told a couple of times this week that I’m not “normal”. I might appear to be delusional sometimes, but yea, I am very aware that I’m abnormal. Thanks for pointing it out to me, yet again, like that is gonna help. But not to worry, I am working on it. One day, I’ll be the most normal and stoic and boring person ever. And I’ll blog about why Singapore’s economic situation is so desperate that we have to have a casino and how the education system is so screwed up and producing nutcases like me…
Look forward to that day yea?
And on that note, yes, I know I’m not smart. You’re reading my blog only because I told you about its existence and I trust you as a friend and I wanna share my problems with you. I trust that you’re reading regularly coz you care about how I am, and even though we can’t meet up all the time, I care for you enough to want u to know how I am.
I know that exposing my insecurities and issues to the public is stupid coz some people will judge me and thus condemn me as an inferior person. Some days I don’t know why I bother also. But I trust you. I trust that you’re concerned bout me, I trust that when you comment it is out of love, I trust that you won’t go around telling people and spreading rumors bout me. I trust that I placed my trust correctly in you as a friend.
And I’m crying now.
Telling you this not because I wanna blackmail you, but just thinking about the potential betrayal is so hard and so scary. It’s akin to me showing you all the weak spots on my armor and then having you attack me at those precise spots.
I come clean with my weaknesses because I’m weak and cowardly and whiny and pathetic and don’t treasure myself and can’t handle my emotions in a better way… this is a hidden cry for you to be gentle to me, to be nice, to hold my hand, to take care of me…
In any event that you are not my friend, do me a favor and buzz off.
I may not be able to live with myself, but I sure as hell don’t need more self-righteous and pompous prigs in my life. I make myself miserable enough already.
(I’m quite sure you’re a guy, so at my last ditch attempt to hit below the belt: It’s men like you who give other men a bad name…)
So, thanks but no thanks.
Yours sincerely,
An increasingly pissed off,
Me
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, April 20, 2005 |
2 comments
Oh! Oh!
I know what I said bout refraining from blogging but I just need to rant a bit about men in general.
Despite what I always say about wanting to be male, some days, men just frustrate the hell out of me.
On a side note, Nurul: yes, women are capable of having multiple orgasms, but we really need to look at the massive number of women who are constantly trying to figure out how to achieve the big O to reach the conclusion that for every woman who has multiples, there are a great many who have none. In contrast, we know for sure that working out one’s forearms almost guarantees a man of one.
On yet another side note, women who go through circumcision, (yes, common mis-termed as FGM i.e. female genital mutilation) actually may have a better chance of attaining the mythical multiple orgasms because the nick made on the clitoris exposes more blood vessels to be stimulated.
Before you freak out at the sexual content, let me just say that I got this off “Time” magazine (and probably “Her World” or some other glossy paged trash) when I was in secondary school, because my teacher made us read it. So there, it is purely scientific. Don’t fuss!
Yet another side note, I wonder what it’ll be like when I have to teach sex education as a teacher… what if I teach in a boys’ school? Hmm… “Class, girls have cooties, so don’t even kiss them.” Haha! How do we know? Because we have cooties too!
See lah, when it comes to men, the topic has to stray into sex. Haha!
Oh yea, the point I wanna make is that the next time someone tells me that they want or that I’m so lucky to snag a S.N.A.G, I’m gonna explicitly say:
“Heck sensitive guys!”
Man! (pardon the pun) I’ve had it with guys with excessive amounts of emotions. Whatever happened to the old fashioned male with limited range of emotions? Bring some of them back please…
It’s soooooooo frustrating having to handle male emotions coz firstly, one has to consider his stupid male pride. So you can’t do the usual, “oh… baby, dun be upset…” bit that one conventionally settles the ladies.
Then, there’s his pseudo logic that you have to deal with. “These are my principles… blah blah blah”. My gosh! If a girl’s petty, you can just pin it down as that, but noooooo when it’s the guy’s turn, it’s always justified by some half-arsed logic.
And don’t even get me started on mood swings. Hey, you guys don’t have to leak blood every month, so you don’t have the right to throw your tantrums and expect me to tolerate your “mood swings”. Until the day your balls drip blood or your pile ruptures and hemorrhages… please get your moods off the playground.
So, unless you’re gay, don’t try the sensitive new age guy nonsense. Have an opinion, keep your emotions in check, leave the whining and bitching to the ladies please, we do it much better anyway.
I know what I said bout refraining from blogging but I just need to rant a bit about men in general.
Despite what I always say about wanting to be male, some days, men just frustrate the hell out of me.
On a side note, Nurul: yes, women are capable of having multiple orgasms, but we really need to look at the massive number of women who are constantly trying to figure out how to achieve the big O to reach the conclusion that for every woman who has multiples, there are a great many who have none. In contrast, we know for sure that working out one’s forearms almost guarantees a man of one.
On yet another side note, women who go through circumcision, (yes, common mis-termed as FGM i.e. female genital mutilation) actually may have a better chance of attaining the mythical multiple orgasms because the nick made on the clitoris exposes more blood vessels to be stimulated.
Before you freak out at the sexual content, let me just say that I got this off “Time” magazine (and probably “Her World” or some other glossy paged trash) when I was in secondary school, because my teacher made us read it. So there, it is purely scientific. Don’t fuss!
Yet another side note, I wonder what it’ll be like when I have to teach sex education as a teacher… what if I teach in a boys’ school? Hmm… “Class, girls have cooties, so don’t even kiss them.” Haha! How do we know? Because we have cooties too!
See lah, when it comes to men, the topic has to stray into sex. Haha!
Oh yea, the point I wanna make is that the next time someone tells me that they want or that I’m so lucky to snag a S.N.A.G, I’m gonna explicitly say:
“Heck sensitive guys!”
Man! (pardon the pun) I’ve had it with guys with excessive amounts of emotions. Whatever happened to the old fashioned male with limited range of emotions? Bring some of them back please…
It’s soooooooo frustrating having to handle male emotions coz firstly, one has to consider his stupid male pride. So you can’t do the usual, “oh… baby, dun be upset…” bit that one conventionally settles the ladies.
Then, there’s his pseudo logic that you have to deal with. “These are my principles… blah blah blah”. My gosh! If a girl’s petty, you can just pin it down as that, but noooooo when it’s the guy’s turn, it’s always justified by some half-arsed logic.
And don’t even get me started on mood swings. Hey, you guys don’t have to leak blood every month, so you don’t have the right to throw your tantrums and expect me to tolerate your “mood swings”. Until the day your balls drip blood or your pile ruptures and hemorrhages… please get your moods off the playground.
So, unless you’re gay, don’t try the sensitive new age guy nonsense. Have an opinion, keep your emotions in check, leave the whining and bitching to the ladies please, we do it much better anyway.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 19, 2005 |
4 comments
Studied with K today, must say that he’s my most reliable exam study buddy to date. He’s always so funnily worried bout his maths/physics/engine stuff that it takes my mind off my own fretting.
Plus I love to hear him talk about his gf, M… they’ve been together for one and a half years? It may be a form of vicarious living, just like people who blog surf (I’m talking about myself, not you ya?) feed off the excitement and secrets of other people’s lives. But M is really such a sweet gf… K, u better dun try anything funny k? I’m on her side… haha.
On a side note, I am feeling better now. I still have an opium addiction but I’ll deal with that slowly.
Couple of things K said accidentally is bringing a smile on my face now even as I’m recalling the events. But I can’t share them coz they’re just so accidental that putting them down in words would just kill the effect.
*smilez* I think I really am a bit sadist. Enjoy being mildly, note the quantifier, insulted. Except of course when it’s in my face that I totally suck lah… then it just dumps a heavy stone in my tummy.
Thanks JY for calling.
Sorta grateful that even though I only put in minimal work, I got Bs for my tests and papers. Hmm… not As but then, should be glad that despite the burnout, stress and all, i.e. with my bimbotic brain I still manage to scrape thru…
Yea… come to think about it, very thankful for my Bs.
Wednesday!
Plus I love to hear him talk about his gf, M… they’ve been together for one and a half years? It may be a form of vicarious living, just like people who blog surf (I’m talking about myself, not you ya?) feed off the excitement and secrets of other people’s lives. But M is really such a sweet gf… K, u better dun try anything funny k? I’m on her side… haha.
On a side note, I am feeling better now. I still have an opium addiction but I’ll deal with that slowly.
Couple of things K said accidentally is bringing a smile on my face now even as I’m recalling the events. But I can’t share them coz they’re just so accidental that putting them down in words would just kill the effect.
*smilez* I think I really am a bit sadist. Enjoy being mildly, note the quantifier, insulted. Except of course when it’s in my face that I totally suck lah… then it just dumps a heavy stone in my tummy.
Thanks JY for calling.
Sorta grateful that even though I only put in minimal work, I got Bs for my tests and papers. Hmm… not As but then, should be glad that despite the burnout, stress and all, i.e. with my bimbotic brain I still manage to scrape thru…
Yea… come to think about it, very thankful for my Bs.
Wednesday!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 19, 2005 |
0 comments
Was actually intending to write a personal email to this friend to thank him for his kind words during my strange, sudden, emotional outburst this afternoon… but in the end, I thought its better that I do it public since he reads this space and hmm… there’s obviously more of a need to show a person’s nice side than his less than perfect side right?
The back ground story is actually quite obvious. The past week has been a difficult week for me, as those of you who follow the ups and downs of the posts have seen. Well, today I reached the end of my threshold of tolerance and finally cried.
I’m just so glad I cried. For the water-works out there and the tough men who have no need for tears, you’ll never understand how hard it is to be unable to release the pent up weird mix of emotions without the use of tears.
It’s just such a relief.
Ever since the tough week started, I’ve been trying to be strong and psyching myself in thinking that I’ve made a good, rational decision. Well, a large part of me still thinks that it is a good, rational decision but you know how the heart is an independent entity, located a far far 30cm away from the brain…
So anyway, thanks L for the kind words of encouragement even though you didn’t have to. (Even though now I feel kind sheepish to have even msged u…dunno what got over me) At the end of the day, what you say still inspires me.
Thanks to Fuzzybunny too, whose sarcastic comments brought a smile to my face the other day.
Grateful for tears and grateful for friends…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Though I said that I won’t be posting, I thought it’ll be better if I put another entry up to let you know that I’m much better now. Thanks for all who are concerned.
The back ground story is actually quite obvious. The past week has been a difficult week for me, as those of you who follow the ups and downs of the posts have seen. Well, today I reached the end of my threshold of tolerance and finally cried.
I’m just so glad I cried. For the water-works out there and the tough men who have no need for tears, you’ll never understand how hard it is to be unable to release the pent up weird mix of emotions without the use of tears.
It’s just such a relief.
Ever since the tough week started, I’ve been trying to be strong and psyching myself in thinking that I’ve made a good, rational decision. Well, a large part of me still thinks that it is a good, rational decision but you know how the heart is an independent entity, located a far far 30cm away from the brain…
So anyway, thanks L for the kind words of encouragement even though you didn’t have to. (Even though now I feel kind sheepish to have even msged u…dunno what got over me) At the end of the day, what you say still inspires me.
Thanks to Fuzzybunny too, whose sarcastic comments brought a smile to my face the other day.
Grateful for tears and grateful for friends…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Though I said that I won’t be posting, I thought it’ll be better if I put another entry up to let you know that I’m much better now. Thanks for all who are concerned.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, April 18, 2005 |
0 comments
Just when I thought admitting defeat would sustain me in my calmness, I receive well wishes from someone.
Life can be so ironic.
Artificial calmness cannot be sustained.
I would actually like to go on, but I’ve realized that the more I say, the worse things become. By going on about how miserable I am, I cause the people who love and care to be worried. By lashing out my mess of emotions, some people think I’ve got a fight to pick. By being cheerful, I exhaust myself.
I’m defeated.
Would refrain from any more posts until Wed… keep peeled for updates k?
=)
Meanwhile, do keep praying for me.
Drifting cloud needs silver lining…
(edited: From Tues to Wed 11pm)
Life can be so ironic.
Artificial calmness cannot be sustained.
I would actually like to go on, but I’ve realized that the more I say, the worse things become. By going on about how miserable I am, I cause the people who love and care to be worried. By lashing out my mess of emotions, some people think I’ve got a fight to pick. By being cheerful, I exhaust myself.
I’m defeated.
Would refrain from any more posts until Wed… keep peeled for updates k?
=)
Meanwhile, do keep praying for me.
Drifting cloud needs silver lining…
(edited: From Tues to Wed 11pm)
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 17, 2005 |
0 comments
Okay. I concede defeat.
There really is something wrong with me.
I cannot ignore it.
Cover it up.
Distract myself from it.
It’s killing me.
Will do something bout it on Wednesday.
Those Faith-ist out there, pray for me yea?
At the moment, trying my best is just not good enough.
There really is something wrong with me.
I cannot ignore it.
Cover it up.
Distract myself from it.
It’s killing me.
Will do something bout it on Wednesday.
Those Faith-ist out there, pray for me yea?
At the moment, trying my best is just not good enough.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 17, 2005 |
0 comments
Something my friend posted on the bulletin of Friendsters, which I do check every so often these days coz I’m so bored out of my mind…
Just thought I’ll post it up coz I used to be such a cry baby. And I think the blog can always do with some more mushy sentimentality.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if a girl cries in front of u,
it means that she cant take it anymore.
If u take her hand,
she would stay with u for the rest of ur life;
If u let her go,
she couldn’t go back to being herself anymore.
In front of the person whom she loves the most,
she becomes weak.
A gal wont cry easily,
only when she love u the most,
she puts down her ego.
Guys, if a gal cries coz of u,
please hold her hands firmly,
coz she's the one who is willing to stay with u 4 for the rest of ur life.
Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of u,
please dont give her up,
maybe bcoz of ur decision,
u'll ruin her life.
When she cry rite in front of u,
When she cry bcoz of u,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think.
Which other girl have cried with pure sincerity,
In front of u,
And bcoz of u?
She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not bcoz she wants sympathy or pity,
She cries,
Because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain, hurt n agony have bcome too big a burden to be kept inside.
Guys,Think about it,
If a gal cry her heart out to u,
And all because of u,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only u will know the answer to it.
Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may b too late for regrets,
It may b too late to say "im sorry".
To my friends...please repost this bulletin (which I’m doing now :p)
Ponder this message seriously.
Don’t do this to a gal,
You may regret for the rest of ur life.
Maybe in ur life,
she's the one who loves u the most.
Remember this lesson......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I think that if a guy makes you cry, then u should just get rid of him coz we can all do with less sorrow and tears in our lives.
I also think that if two people are always quarreling and unhappy together, they are better off not being together.
Likewise, if some guy (or girl) is making you so miserable, it just proves that he/she is not the one for you. So end it quickly and move on.
But that’s what I think. And I’m sure that more than one person would be glad to inform you that I’m highly delusional. Therefore, think what you like.
Or laugh with amazement at how such a person such as me can exist.
I’m glad I brought joy to your life.
Cheers!
(on a side note: I think this generically for every couple. So dun assume that there’s anyone I’m specifically directing this to)
Just thought I’ll post it up coz I used to be such a cry baby. And I think the blog can always do with some more mushy sentimentality.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
if a girl cries in front of u,
it means that she cant take it anymore.
If u take her hand,
she would stay with u for the rest of ur life;
If u let her go,
she couldn’t go back to being herself anymore.
In front of the person whom she loves the most,
she becomes weak.
A gal wont cry easily,
only when she love u the most,
she puts down her ego.
Guys, if a gal cries coz of u,
please hold her hands firmly,
coz she's the one who is willing to stay with u 4 for the rest of ur life.
Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of u,
please dont give her up,
maybe bcoz of ur decision,
u'll ruin her life.
When she cry rite in front of u,
When she cry bcoz of u,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think.
Which other girl have cried with pure sincerity,
In front of u,
And bcoz of u?
She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not bcoz she wants sympathy or pity,
She cries,
Because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain, hurt n agony have bcome too big a burden to be kept inside.
Guys,Think about it,
If a gal cry her heart out to u,
And all because of u,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only u will know the answer to it.
Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may b too late for regrets,
It may b too late to say "im sorry".
To my friends...please repost this bulletin (which I’m doing now :p)
Ponder this message seriously.
Don’t do this to a gal,
You may regret for the rest of ur life.
Maybe in ur life,
she's the one who loves u the most.
Remember this lesson......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I think that if a guy makes you cry, then u should just get rid of him coz we can all do with less sorrow and tears in our lives.
I also think that if two people are always quarreling and unhappy together, they are better off not being together.
Likewise, if some guy (or girl) is making you so miserable, it just proves that he/she is not the one for you. So end it quickly and move on.
But that’s what I think. And I’m sure that more than one person would be glad to inform you that I’m highly delusional. Therefore, think what you like.
Or laugh with amazement at how such a person such as me can exist.
I’m glad I brought joy to your life.
Cheers!
(on a side note: I think this generically for every couple. So dun assume that there’s anyone I’m specifically directing this to)
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 17, 2005 |
0 comments
10 reasons why I would rather be male:
1. No more worries about weight.
2. Easy access to friends. i.e. male bonding. Especially easy if you smoke as well.
3. Eradication of curfews.
4. Laxer social rules. In that you can drink, smoke, have multiple sexual partners, ride a motorcycle, be friendly, swear, not bathe, be ugly without having the world condemn you.
5. Validity of the right to be insensitive.
6. Ability to switch on and off emotions.
7. The fact that we’re still living in a male dominated world where there are so many less females in positions of power, wealth and authority.
8. Phallic envy.
9. Possibility of being taller, bigger and stronger.
10. Having girlfriends. Girls are so soft and sweet and sensitive and eager to please and mushy and sentimental and fawning and all sugar and spice. I would like to have one too. Take away please… extra serviettes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(ed: added later) I realized that this might be a controversial issue. But there’s a part of me that relishes in provoking that incredulous “what the heck” reaction out of people. *beams*
BTW, the photoblog has been updated again!
1. No more worries about weight.
2. Easy access to friends. i.e. male bonding. Especially easy if you smoke as well.
3. Eradication of curfews.
4. Laxer social rules. In that you can drink, smoke, have multiple sexual partners, ride a motorcycle, be friendly, swear, not bathe, be ugly without having the world condemn you.
5. Validity of the right to be insensitive.
6. Ability to switch on and off emotions.
7. The fact that we’re still living in a male dominated world where there are so many less females in positions of power, wealth and authority.
8. Phallic envy.
9. Possibility of being taller, bigger and stronger.
10. Having girlfriends. Girls are so soft and sweet and sensitive and eager to please and mushy and sentimental and fawning and all sugar and spice. I would like to have one too. Take away please… extra serviettes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(ed: added later) I realized that this might be a controversial issue. But there’s a part of me that relishes in provoking that incredulous “what the heck” reaction out of people. *beams*
BTW, the photoblog has been updated again!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 16, 2005 |
2 comments
Drip drip… it rained.
Wonder how many people were glad like me that it finally rained… And boy, did it pour!
I wish, I wish… it would rain more.
Drip.
Drip.
Wonder how many people were glad like me that it finally rained… And boy, did it pour!
I wish, I wish… it would rain more.
Drip.
Drip.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 16, 2005 |
0 comments
Some totally random thoughts that visited my mind while I was doing my essay:
I’m gonna take (minimally) a sabbatical year off men to find myself.
If wanna get married at 25, I need to date men who are 4-5 years older.
What is normality? Are we so besotted with the dysfunctional but nicely humorous quirky characters that the media bombards us with?
Public responsibility of blogging:
1. Making other people worried
2. Conveying negative impressions of the people you blog about
Every time you love someone, you give that person a bit of your soul. You give more and more of yourself away as your relationship develops. And with each relationship, more and more parts of you get given away. Then suddenly, out of the blue, you realize that you love each lover less and less. That’s when you know that you’ve lost yourself… or that you no longer give all you have into a relationship.
Then, it’s about time for you to wait and pause for the rest of you to come back, to reform, heal and make you whole again.
Missing someone is a strange feeling.
Small doses of irritating perks one up.
I can track my life from the 14th of each month…
April 14: Yesterday
March 14: Early in the morning, I was sitting on the floor of my room, leaning against the bed… smsing…
Feb 14: Backing up data on my laptop.
Jan 14: Sch just reopened.
Dec 14: In India
Nov 14: Sad
Oct 14: Happy
Sep 14: Confused
Aug 14: Sch year just started
I went to the Botanical garden on Feb 26 and I still have the receipt in my wallet! What a hoarder I am!
And in case you’re worried bout how I am, don’t be. I lead quite an okay life… these are just thoughts that came, said hi and left… I have proof to how happy/normal I am. Check out my very belated birthday dinner at the photoblog (which can be linked, A) http://picturesintheclouds.blogspot.com. (in case u’re lazy to check)
I’m gonna take (minimally) a sabbatical year off men to find myself.
If wanna get married at 25, I need to date men who are 4-5 years older.
What is normality? Are we so besotted with the dysfunctional but nicely humorous quirky characters that the media bombards us with?
Public responsibility of blogging:
1. Making other people worried
2. Conveying negative impressions of the people you blog about
Every time you love someone, you give that person a bit of your soul. You give more and more of yourself away as your relationship develops. And with each relationship, more and more parts of you get given away. Then suddenly, out of the blue, you realize that you love each lover less and less. That’s when you know that you’ve lost yourself… or that you no longer give all you have into a relationship.
Then, it’s about time for you to wait and pause for the rest of you to come back, to reform, heal and make you whole again.
Missing someone is a strange feeling.
Small doses of irritating perks one up.
I can track my life from the 14th of each month…
April 14: Yesterday
March 14: Early in the morning, I was sitting on the floor of my room, leaning against the bed… smsing…
Feb 14: Backing up data on my laptop.
Jan 14: Sch just reopened.
Dec 14: In India
Nov 14: Sad
Oct 14: Happy
Sep 14: Confused
Aug 14: Sch year just started
I went to the Botanical garden on Feb 26 and I still have the receipt in my wallet! What a hoarder I am!
And in case you’re worried bout how I am, don’t be. I lead quite an okay life… these are just thoughts that came, said hi and left… I have proof to how happy/normal I am. Check out my very belated birthday dinner at the photoblog (which can be linked, A) http://picturesintheclouds.blogspot.com. (in case u’re lazy to check)
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 16, 2005 |
0 comments
Was in school early today but was soooo inefficient. Just laid my head down on the bench and slept for a good one hour… so unglam. Dunno how many people walked passed…*bleah*
But I’m soooooo tired… =)
Chatted to someone till 3+am in the morning last night/this morning… this half-ex… I won’t say who, though it’s kinda obvious I think. I don’t have thaaat many misadventures. (I hope)
On a side note, I stole/borrowed the term ‘half-ex’ from this friend of mine. It refers to the people who you almost got together with but didn’t for some reason. But not a fling, (I must quantify) coz flings imply some kind of frivolity. And generally, nice and normal people like me approach such things rather seriously. You know how they talk bout synergy? Well, I’m extending this term to cover those short term relationships as well.
Henceforth, anyone with a boy/girlfriend for less than…hmm…half a year will be considered to have a half-ex? =) Well, it is not so much a decreed but more my own definition. It’s quite embarrassing for me, at this age, to have those couple of month long relationships. So now, not only is the number of ex-es cut down, but the juvenile, secondary act of getting involved with silly relationships has been eradicated!
Plus, being the delusional person that I am, with the extremely idealistic (therefore delusional) notion that “the next guy will be the guy”, I’m quite glad that I now have a new word to define away my umm… problem.
Anyway, I think I’ve gone off tangent. I can’t remember what I was trying to get at…
Hmm… shit.
I’m soooo tired, I can’t be bothered to develop the point of my post. Haha!
But its not very important lah, (as usual) just wondering how long it’ll take for people to be just friends again and how much it’ll take on both sides to forget/ignore the past.
I personally, if you ask me, am for…getful.
And pacifist.
“As if!” cried the indignant voice.
Hey, according to me I said!
But I’m soooooo tired… =)
Chatted to someone till 3+am in the morning last night/this morning… this half-ex… I won’t say who, though it’s kinda obvious I think. I don’t have thaaat many misadventures. (I hope)
On a side note, I stole/borrowed the term ‘half-ex’ from this friend of mine. It refers to the people who you almost got together with but didn’t for some reason. But not a fling, (I must quantify) coz flings imply some kind of frivolity. And generally, nice and normal people like me approach such things rather seriously. You know how they talk bout synergy? Well, I’m extending this term to cover those short term relationships as well.
Henceforth, anyone with a boy/girlfriend for less than…hmm…half a year will be considered to have a half-ex? =) Well, it is not so much a decreed but more my own definition. It’s quite embarrassing for me, at this age, to have those couple of month long relationships. So now, not only is the number of ex-es cut down, but the juvenile, secondary act of getting involved with silly relationships has been eradicated!
Plus, being the delusional person that I am, with the extremely idealistic (therefore delusional) notion that “the next guy will be the guy”, I’m quite glad that I now have a new word to define away my umm… problem.
Anyway, I think I’ve gone off tangent. I can’t remember what I was trying to get at…
Hmm… shit.
I’m soooo tired, I can’t be bothered to develop the point of my post. Haha!
But its not very important lah, (as usual) just wondering how long it’ll take for people to be just friends again and how much it’ll take on both sides to forget/ignore the past.
I personally, if you ask me, am for…getful.
And pacifist.
“As if!” cried the indignant voice.
Hey, according to me I said!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 14, 2005 |
0 comments
A Secret Agent is the man of your dreams
Mystery and intrigue — it's not just for action-adventure movies. It's what you are looking for in life and love. From spontaneous weekend getaways to notes stuck in your jean pockets, you love being surprised and appreciate the extra thought and effort that goes into making it happen.That's why a secret agent could steal your heart — he's got what it takes to change the world, but he's not about to go around shouting about it. But don't worry, your secret's safe with us. Shhhh.
I dunno what to make of the above test...
Dunno what kind of gimmick.
Dunno who's bored enuff to take it.
Hah! I'm critical lah... of the test and me!
Come to think of it, someone should ask XX how critical I was bout the FASS publication "insomniac"... its really disappointing for an arts mag. The science pub: "Sciphi" is waaaay much better, maybe coz my friend writes in it.
;)
Happy A?
Mystery and intrigue — it's not just for action-adventure movies. It's what you are looking for in life and love. From spontaneous weekend getaways to notes stuck in your jean pockets, you love being surprised and appreciate the extra thought and effort that goes into making it happen.That's why a secret agent could steal your heart — he's got what it takes to change the world, but he's not about to go around shouting about it. But don't worry, your secret's safe with us. Shhhh.
I dunno what to make of the above test...
Dunno what kind of gimmick.
Dunno who's bored enuff to take it.
Hah! I'm critical lah... of the test and me!
Come to think of it, someone should ask XX how critical I was bout the FASS publication "insomniac"... its really disappointing for an arts mag. The science pub: "Sciphi" is waaaay much better, maybe coz my friend writes in it.
;)
Happy A?
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 14, 2005 |
0 comments
Lurun, I feel like you now. =)
You know how the editor of the publication is in charge of handling comments and feedback? Well, I received some feedback on the blog today and being the democrat, I, of course scoffed and denied any possibility that something of my creation could be less than pristinely perfect.
hoity toity *hrmph*
Pluh-ese…*rolls eyes*
Ha… Well, dear readers (I feel so Bronte of the “Dear readers, I married him” Heh!) obviously I gave it further thought and I’ve reached two conclusions.
That I shall address the plaintiff’s complaint.
I shall stop going on and on and on bout my feelings. Which essentially are “feelings… nothing more than feelings… nothing more than empty feelings of loooovvvveeeee” (these are lyrics to a song btw)
Firstly, this brings to mind what Badass said bout her losing her “chi”. (When I heard it, I was like: What is this? A Joy Luck Club moment?) In less zen terms, most people would call it losing their edge or mellowing. As one of those girls who used to be quite bitchy in sec sch, you know, the type that other timid girls would make an effort not to offend; my friends used to say that I don’t accumulate “kou de” (roughly translated as Mouth Karma). In the sense that I would be quite merciless in criticizing those irritating people who waste the planet’s limited resources by even breathing.
Over the years, I’ve grown nicer. (I haaavvveee…. *whines*)
Every once in a while, the vicious sarcasm would raise its head but generally I have to confess to losing my “chi”.
So, when the above mentioned plaintiff accused me of slander, I was utterly flabbergasted. (Plaintiff: You know who you are but other people don’t. I’m already doing my part in protecting your privacy and identity. And I’ve tried to rein in my all-natural, lash-out, defense mechanism, by putting them in parenthesis. In familiar words: I can only try my best coz promises are empty words.)
As I was saying, after thinking about it, guess what plaintiff has feedback-ed applies to the sensitive reader. Hence, I beseech all of my ‘dear readers’ to put your sense and sensibilities aside when you’re reading my ramblings. I rant and rave because I feel a certain way. (This is MY blog. I get to say what I want right?) Don’t read too much into it k?
Darling Lurun said today that someone should write a book about me and my antics. Hah! I’m quite sure if anyone ever does, it’ll a comic strip titled “Life of the S.I.N”
Ala Self-centered. Insane. Nut.
Coz I must quantify that I honestly don’t consider other people’s feelings when I rant about things which are vaguely related to them. I mean, horrible as it may sound of me, I can’t be considerate of so many peripheral issues when the whole point of my writing, most of the time, is for ME to write about how I feel so that I can feel better. I mean, in real life, I already have to smile and exist and be vaguely astute in reacting to the vibes friends send out. So I really am sorry if I’ve offended. Honestly didn’t mean it. (In case anyone thinks that I’m being sarcastic, I’m NOT…really)
See, this is what I mean about losing my “chi”. I'm all for *world peace*… =
(Or if you look at it from another perspective: there's a constant need to win approval)
Oh yea, it won’t matter anymore anyway. I am making a point now to no longer blog about my feelings.(At least for the moment.) Firstly, coz of Plaintiff. Secondly, coz the tsunami of sentiments has passed. Thirdly, I think everybody’s bored of it.
Classic example today… I am gonna leave this transgressor anonymous and unidentifiable by gender so that ‘shim’ will be not embarrassed. (This is in line with the trying to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings thing)
I was whining (twice of that of my regular index according to transgressor) about some stuff and then, transgressor, who is technically supposed to be my friend, turns around to me and asks in all seriousness:
“Eh, do you think I should get chicken cutlet?”
It was like a, “Whaaattt???? the heck?” fully incredulous moment.
Hellloooo…. This is like MY life issue here you know? At least make “hmm” and “umm” noises!
Gosh! So yea… henceforth, I will not whine k? or my so called friends might jolly well do what they’ve threatened and kick me down the slope where the link between the canteen and my bench is one day.
(Details to show that I’m not fabricating this part. See? I really am surrounded by the most horrible, unsympathetic, unfeeling, uncaring friends… *boo hoo hoo* And I love them still…)
Haha!
Can’t believe this…
*grinz*
You know how the editor of the publication is in charge of handling comments and feedback? Well, I received some feedback on the blog today and being the democrat, I, of course scoffed and denied any possibility that something of my creation could be less than pristinely perfect.
hoity toity *hrmph*
Pluh-ese…*rolls eyes*
Ha… Well, dear readers (I feel so Bronte of the “Dear readers, I married him” Heh!) obviously I gave it further thought and I’ve reached two conclusions.
That I shall address the plaintiff’s complaint.
I shall stop going on and on and on bout my feelings. Which essentially are “feelings… nothing more than feelings… nothing more than empty feelings of loooovvvveeeee” (these are lyrics to a song btw)
Firstly, this brings to mind what Badass said bout her losing her “chi”. (When I heard it, I was like: What is this? A Joy Luck Club moment?) In less zen terms, most people would call it losing their edge or mellowing. As one of those girls who used to be quite bitchy in sec sch, you know, the type that other timid girls would make an effort not to offend; my friends used to say that I don’t accumulate “kou de” (roughly translated as Mouth Karma). In the sense that I would be quite merciless in criticizing those irritating people who waste the planet’s limited resources by even breathing.
Over the years, I’ve grown nicer. (I haaavvveee…. *whines*)
Every once in a while, the vicious sarcasm would raise its head but generally I have to confess to losing my “chi”.
So, when the above mentioned plaintiff accused me of slander, I was utterly flabbergasted. (Plaintiff: You know who you are but other people don’t. I’m already doing my part in protecting your privacy and identity. And I’ve tried to rein in my all-natural, lash-out, defense mechanism, by putting them in parenthesis. In familiar words: I can only try my best coz promises are empty words.)
As I was saying, after thinking about it, guess what plaintiff has feedback-ed applies to the sensitive reader. Hence, I beseech all of my ‘dear readers’ to put your sense and sensibilities aside when you’re reading my ramblings. I rant and rave because I feel a certain way. (This is MY blog. I get to say what I want right?) Don’t read too much into it k?
Darling Lurun said today that someone should write a book about me and my antics. Hah! I’m quite sure if anyone ever does, it’ll a comic strip titled “Life of the S.I.N”
Ala Self-centered. Insane. Nut.
Coz I must quantify that I honestly don’t consider other people’s feelings when I rant about things which are vaguely related to them. I mean, horrible as it may sound of me, I can’t be considerate of so many peripheral issues when the whole point of my writing, most of the time, is for ME to write about how I feel so that I can feel better. I mean, in real life, I already have to smile and exist and be vaguely astute in reacting to the vibes friends send out. So I really am sorry if I’ve offended. Honestly didn’t mean it. (In case anyone thinks that I’m being sarcastic, I’m NOT…really)
See, this is what I mean about losing my “chi”. I'm all for *world peace*… =
(Or if you look at it from another perspective: there's a constant need to win approval)
Oh yea, it won’t matter anymore anyway. I am making a point now to no longer blog about my feelings.(At least for the moment.) Firstly, coz of Plaintiff. Secondly, coz the tsunami of sentiments has passed. Thirdly, I think everybody’s bored of it.
Classic example today… I am gonna leave this transgressor anonymous and unidentifiable by gender so that ‘shim’ will be not embarrassed. (This is in line with the trying to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings thing)
I was whining (twice of that of my regular index according to transgressor) about some stuff and then, transgressor, who is technically supposed to be my friend, turns around to me and asks in all seriousness:
“Eh, do you think I should get chicken cutlet?”
It was like a, “Whaaattt???? the heck?” fully incredulous moment.
Hellloooo…. This is like MY life issue here you know? At least make “hmm” and “umm” noises!
Gosh! So yea… henceforth, I will not whine k? or my so called friends might jolly well do what they’ve threatened and kick me down the slope where the link between the canteen and my bench is one day.
(Details to show that I’m not fabricating this part. See? I really am surrounded by the most horrible, unsympathetic, unfeeling, uncaring friends… *boo hoo hoo* And I love them still…)
Haha!
Can’t believe this…
*grinz*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, April 13, 2005 |
1 comments
This morning, sitting in the car with my dad, I think… I’ve got it.
You know how life is often compared to a game of chess? Well, here the story on weiqi (where the players use black and white seeds to fill up spaces on the board) that started me thinking. Here it goes:
One day, two old men were sitting in the park, playing weiqi. Now, their game was played extremely slowly and the people who where watching them got impatient. The first old man said with a smile:
“Do you know that by taking ten minutes to make a move, we are already playing very quickly? There is this grand master who takes an hour just to make a move.”
To which, some one watching commented:
“Oh please! Are you not ashamed of yourself? Comparing your game to the grand master’s game?”
The second old man replied:
“A game of chess is an enjoyable activity. However, the moment the game begins, as the board fills up, the game is actually moving towards its death. When all the spaces are filled up, the game dies and you would have to clear the board.
Moreover, playing quickly gives the game a lot of sha-qi (sense of violence), and it no longer stays a game between friends.
It’s still better to play slowly.”
At his wise reply, none of the by-standers made any more complaints.
Isn’t life also like this? Often, we rush through our lives, not waiting and thinking things through. Impatience then becomes the root of many wrong decisions.
An actress once said that playing herself is the most difficult role. Coz in life, there’s no script to follow, no rehearsals, no NG… and we have to bear the consequences of all our actions.
The way I see it, everything must be seen in perspective.
This morning, in my dad’s car, we were listening to some tapes. Dad said in passing that he bought those tapes ten years ago when he was stationed in Taiwan. I had one of those moments again. It has been ten years… Ten years ago, I was 12. I completed my PSLE before going to Taiwan to visit my dad. Wow… ten years…
Then I think I got it. One month may seem significant at this moment and every day may be hard to live through. But time has this way of rushing by very quickly on hindsight. Therefore, what ever that’s bothering you today, let it be. Because when you think about it another day, it was just one month, situated in one semester, of one academic year, part of one phase in your life… when I’m 80, I might not even remember why I wrote this.
I have this friend whose opinion I value. And even though the statement might not be directed at me, it makes a lot of sense now. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is:
“Why do people do strange things to mark the end of an event? It will always be there, in the past, just move on.”
First impression, I thought that the statement was unfeeling. But as I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. What’s the point of making changes to eradicate memories? The fact is that what has happened has happened. Yes, there are consequences to be borne. Yes, it is valid to have emotional reactions. But nothing one does can change the past.
Life is beautiful and potentially long. You’ll never know when it’ll end. So, look forward but live well now.
I wasted yesterday. Today will be better.
You know how life is often compared to a game of chess? Well, here the story on weiqi (where the players use black and white seeds to fill up spaces on the board) that started me thinking. Here it goes:
One day, two old men were sitting in the park, playing weiqi. Now, their game was played extremely slowly and the people who where watching them got impatient. The first old man said with a smile:
“Do you know that by taking ten minutes to make a move, we are already playing very quickly? There is this grand master who takes an hour just to make a move.”
To which, some one watching commented:
“Oh please! Are you not ashamed of yourself? Comparing your game to the grand master’s game?”
The second old man replied:
“A game of chess is an enjoyable activity. However, the moment the game begins, as the board fills up, the game is actually moving towards its death. When all the spaces are filled up, the game dies and you would have to clear the board.
Moreover, playing quickly gives the game a lot of sha-qi (sense of violence), and it no longer stays a game between friends.
It’s still better to play slowly.”
At his wise reply, none of the by-standers made any more complaints.
Isn’t life also like this? Often, we rush through our lives, not waiting and thinking things through. Impatience then becomes the root of many wrong decisions.
An actress once said that playing herself is the most difficult role. Coz in life, there’s no script to follow, no rehearsals, no NG… and we have to bear the consequences of all our actions.
The way I see it, everything must be seen in perspective.
This morning, in my dad’s car, we were listening to some tapes. Dad said in passing that he bought those tapes ten years ago when he was stationed in Taiwan. I had one of those moments again. It has been ten years… Ten years ago, I was 12. I completed my PSLE before going to Taiwan to visit my dad. Wow… ten years…
Then I think I got it. One month may seem significant at this moment and every day may be hard to live through. But time has this way of rushing by very quickly on hindsight. Therefore, what ever that’s bothering you today, let it be. Because when you think about it another day, it was just one month, situated in one semester, of one academic year, part of one phase in your life… when I’m 80, I might not even remember why I wrote this.
I have this friend whose opinion I value. And even though the statement might not be directed at me, it makes a lot of sense now. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is:
“Why do people do strange things to mark the end of an event? It will always be there, in the past, just move on.”
First impression, I thought that the statement was unfeeling. But as I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. What’s the point of making changes to eradicate memories? The fact is that what has happened has happened. Yes, there are consequences to be borne. Yes, it is valid to have emotional reactions. But nothing one does can change the past.
Life is beautiful and potentially long. You’ll never know when it’ll end. So, look forward but live well now.
I wasted yesterday. Today will be better.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, April 13, 2005 |
0 comments
I am tempted to take what ever I have posted back. Except that I don't do those delete posts, delete blogs thingys... at the very least, gotta have courage to stick to what I've said.
The whole point of blogging for me is to get whatever I feel out of my system. And in line with all those be true to what you feel nonsense... I'm sticking my guts to raw feelings.
Anyway, though I can't control what I feel, I can jolly well control what I do.
In a way, having things done, be it thru my nonsense symbolic gestures or just putting things down in words so that there's like a 'milestone' for me to track my progress, gives me this sense of concreteness so that I can direct my mind at something.
You know what I mean? (JY: I'm thinking of u now)
Then again, if justice is giving someone what they deserve then I think I'm not just to myself.
But, maybe its a good idea to hang unto pain, coz like I said to S: The longer the break before the next venture, the better it is... so just torture yourself over and and over again.
Or else it'll just be rebound after rebound after rebound... *bleahz*
and in case I forgot to mention,
Feeling pukey sucks and I worry for myself...
The whole point of blogging for me is to get whatever I feel out of my system. And in line with all those be true to what you feel nonsense... I'm sticking my guts to raw feelings.
Anyway, though I can't control what I feel, I can jolly well control what I do.
In a way, having things done, be it thru my nonsense symbolic gestures or just putting things down in words so that there's like a 'milestone' for me to track my progress, gives me this sense of concreteness so that I can direct my mind at something.
You know what I mean? (JY: I'm thinking of u now)
Then again, if justice is giving someone what they deserve then I think I'm not just to myself.
But, maybe its a good idea to hang unto pain, coz like I said to S: The longer the break before the next venture, the better it is... so just torture yourself over and and over again.
Or else it'll just be rebound after rebound after rebound... *bleahz*
and in case I forgot to mention,
Feeling pukey sucks and I worry for myself...
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
0 comments
好辛苦，好辛苦...
快不行了,
几乎到了饱和点.
可能，当那压抑不住的涌出来时
杯里会有多一点空间
细心地捧着
双手的微斗
是因还是果？
快不行了,
几乎到了饱和点.
可能，当那压抑不住的涌出来时
杯里会有多一点空间
细心地捧着
双手的微斗
是因还是果？
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
0 comments
I think I’m like Dimmesdale. The repression of feelings and the simmering stress within me must be giving me physical symptoms.
Puked out of the blue before American Lit for no apparent reason and then now, feeling nauseous still. Had this spasm of a quite impossible but nevertheless very scary fear… but because it is so irrational, I’m gonna ignore it. Just paranoia playing me. Shoo!
All my friends will probably scold me now, am quite irritated with myself too. Wish time will fast forward…
Grouchy
Irritable
Tired
Sick
Melancholic
Sick stuck at essay!
*sobz*
Puked out of the blue before American Lit for no apparent reason and then now, feeling nauseous still. Had this spasm of a quite impossible but nevertheless very scary fear… but because it is so irrational, I’m gonna ignore it. Just paranoia playing me. Shoo!
All my friends will probably scold me now, am quite irritated with myself too. Wish time will fast forward…
Grouchy
Irritable
Tired
Sick
Melancholic
Sick stuck at essay!
*sobz*
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
0 comments
How familiar does this scenario sound: Girl meets less-than-stellar guy. Girl dates less-than-stellar guy. Girl gets broken up with by less-than-stellar guy, and girl sinks into a horrible funk over losing, quite frankly, a guy who probably wasn't worth her time in the first place. So what's with all the tears? When he's not that into you, who stops to consider that maybe, just maybe, you aren't that into him either? Ian Kerner, PhD, asks this eye-opening question in his book Be Honest ‑- You're Not That into Him Either, and shows you how to raise your standards to find the great love you deserve.
Playing It Safe: When You're Only into Guys You're Not Really Into
"I tend to find myself in relationships with men I know I'm not that into because it's safe." ‑-Olivia, 31, advertising sales, Atlanta
One of the possible scenarios for falling for a man who you were never that into to begin with, or who reeled you in simply for the challenge, is that it may be a relationship in which the main attraction is simply the lack of attraction. Strange as that may sound, it happens a lot.
A lot of women end up dating men who they know they're not into (or who are otherwise inappropriate for them) because there is less risk if it doesn't work out. When it ends, they can say, "Well, he was not right for me anyway," and then climb right back onto that treadmill, only to repeat the cycle.
The problem with this sort of pattern is that it eventually results in dramatically lowered standards. You may think you're not giving up a little, but as a result, you end up giving up a whole lot.
And how much worse is it when the loser guy you went out with primarily as an ego boost (let's be honest here) winds up rejecting you? How much worse do you feel as a result? It's a vicious downward spiral that you originally got into for the feeling of presumed safety of superiority, and you then end up feeling lower than low in the end. I mean, how could this not-so-attractive guy who doesn't dress particularly well and still lives with his mother wind up rejecting you? Could he really have found someone better? Is the dating scene truly this cutthroat? And if so, what will you do about it? The next time, you'll probably aim even lower. And so it continues until you hit rock bottom and finally decide that you're better off alone.
Ego Trip
You were not that into him but, somewhere along the line, your ego got involved, and then you needed him to be into you. Perhaps you just wanted the attention and were then baffled when he pulled away. Or maybe you became so into making him like you that you got into a relationship just so you could validate yourself. But what happened next? Well, maybe it went nowhere, and you were back on the dismal dating cycle.
Or, perhaps for better or worse, you actually started to like him and found yourself falling for him. If the feelings were reciprocated, and there turned out to be more to this guy than initially met the eye, then great, you may be on your way to something meaningful and real. But if he's everything you ever thought he wasn't and less, you're bound to feel worse for the time and energy you've spent pretending you were into him in the first place.
Raise (Your Standards) and Reach (for Love)
Let go of the ego: If you're into him just because you need him to be into you, you're letting your ego drive your decisions. And while you can never entirely remove your ego from your dating life, don't let it run (or ruin) it.
Don't play the game: If you're just in it because he's chasing you, then you're playing the game as well. Instead, use good sportsmanship and have enough confidence to bow out and send him on his way.
After the fall: Even if you think you're not into him, you may be falling harder than you think. Be on the lookout for telltale signs. And if the feelings aren't being reciprocated, remind yourself about what you didn't see in him in the first place and get the hell out while the going is still good.
Don't play it completely safe: If you're sticking with guys who you're not into simply because there is less at risk, you're lowering your standards. To get what you really deserve, you'll have to put something on the line.
From the book Be Honest -- You're Not That Into Him Either. Copyright © 2005 Ian Kerner. Reprinted with permission from Harper Collins Publishers, New York, NY.
Playing It Safe: When You're Only into Guys You're Not Really Into
"I tend to find myself in relationships with men I know I'm not that into because it's safe." ‑-Olivia, 31, advertising sales, Atlanta
One of the possible scenarios for falling for a man who you were never that into to begin with, or who reeled you in simply for the challenge, is that it may be a relationship in which the main attraction is simply the lack of attraction. Strange as that may sound, it happens a lot.
A lot of women end up dating men who they know they're not into (or who are otherwise inappropriate for them) because there is less risk if it doesn't work out. When it ends, they can say, "Well, he was not right for me anyway," and then climb right back onto that treadmill, only to repeat the cycle.
The problem with this sort of pattern is that it eventually results in dramatically lowered standards. You may think you're not giving up a little, but as a result, you end up giving up a whole lot.
And how much worse is it when the loser guy you went out with primarily as an ego boost (let's be honest here) winds up rejecting you? How much worse do you feel as a result? It's a vicious downward spiral that you originally got into for the feeling of presumed safety of superiority, and you then end up feeling lower than low in the end. I mean, how could this not-so-attractive guy who doesn't dress particularly well and still lives with his mother wind up rejecting you? Could he really have found someone better? Is the dating scene truly this cutthroat? And if so, what will you do about it? The next time, you'll probably aim even lower. And so it continues until you hit rock bottom and finally decide that you're better off alone.
Ego Trip
You were not that into him but, somewhere along the line, your ego got involved, and then you needed him to be into you. Perhaps you just wanted the attention and were then baffled when he pulled away. Or maybe you became so into making him like you that you got into a relationship just so you could validate yourself. But what happened next? Well, maybe it went nowhere, and you were back on the dismal dating cycle.
Or, perhaps for better or worse, you actually started to like him and found yourself falling for him. If the feelings were reciprocated, and there turned out to be more to this guy than initially met the eye, then great, you may be on your way to something meaningful and real. But if he's everything you ever thought he wasn't and less, you're bound to feel worse for the time and energy you've spent pretending you were into him in the first place.
Raise (Your Standards) and Reach (for Love)
Let go of the ego: If you're into him just because you need him to be into you, you're letting your ego drive your decisions. And while you can never entirely remove your ego from your dating life, don't let it run (or ruin) it.
Don't play the game: If you're just in it because he's chasing you, then you're playing the game as well. Instead, use good sportsmanship and have enough confidence to bow out and send him on his way.
After the fall: Even if you think you're not into him, you may be falling harder than you think. Be on the lookout for telltale signs. And if the feelings aren't being reciprocated, remind yourself about what you didn't see in him in the first place and get the hell out while the going is still good.
Don't play it completely safe: If you're sticking with guys who you're not into simply because there is less at risk, you're lowering your standards. To get what you really deserve, you'll have to put something on the line.
From the book Be Honest -- You're Not That Into Him Either. Copyright © 2005 Ian Kerner. Reprinted with permission from Harper Collins Publishers, New York, NY.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
1 comments
I have this bandage clip on my pencil case
Forgot that it was there until I saw it again
Left it on
Maybe I just didn't want to touch it
Perhaps I actually want it
But most likely
Coz I need something to hold
Life is full of little ironies
Mind's likewise
Forgot that it was there until I saw it again
Left it on
Maybe I just didn't want to touch it
Perhaps I actually want it
But most likely
Coz I need something to hold
Life is full of little ironies
Mind's likewise
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
0 comments
Here are some very important announcements:
1. Miss Goh, if u're reading this, you're NOT fat... u have boobs that makes men wanna be boys.
2. Anyone knows how to get photos from samsung phones to computer via infrared?
3. Single chinese female is looking for travelling and/diving mates. Respond to ad k? Non-irritating people please.
That's bout all for now!
I've been blogging like ten thousand times in 2 days. haha!
1. Miss Goh, if u're reading this, you're NOT fat... u have boobs that makes men wanna be boys.
2. Anyone knows how to get photos from samsung phones to computer via infrared?
3. Single chinese female is looking for travelling and/diving mates. Respond to ad k? Non-irritating people please.
That's bout all for now!
I've been blogging like ten thousand times in 2 days. haha!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
0 comments
So, I went to get myself the symbolic haircut today. Every time a particular issue gets me down, I’ll go get a haircut. There’s this Chinese saying that describes the hair as “san qian fan nao si” (literally, 3000 strands of worries). Hence the haircuts come when I tell myself to put things down.
According to JY, if she does what I do, she’ll never have long hair. *bleahz* Sickening…
I was/am trying to keep the hair long again… it’s been a while since I had long hair.
Quite a couple of “unlucky” things happened today. In Biz canteen, this gunk of dunno what filth just dropped down from the ceiling on my head. Was black and sticky and damn gross…
Then on the way to town, I was kinda spaced out and tripped while going up the bus. Scrapped my forearm and the irritating guy behind (part of an irritating couple with the girl yaddering on and on in this high pitched noise from the NUS bus stop) made this sarcastic comment: “woah… relax”. I felt like turning around and glaring at him plus kicking him in the ****s but I was just too zonked out to react. Just passively walked away… Can’t believe it… ha… losing my edge.
Having consecutive bad luck happen to you, my first reaction was to call someone up to complain and to be soothed. But well, I’m glad I didn’t. Coz at the end of the day, I realized that though bad things can happen to me, there can be many good things that happen as well.
Like today, met up with HD. Went for dinner which I paid more!!! Haha! I must state this lah… not coz I’m stingy or anything, but coz HD’s the one who spoilt me. I used to feel very awkward when people treat me; but HD, such a nice friend, always insisting on paying. So now, I’m so used to having him pay. Tsk tsk…he spoil the market rate for everyone else… I also think it’s not good. (to rely on men to pay…loses the independence of the modern contemporary woman)
But the main point is that, I had fun hanging out with him today. Though he sorta played out his fantasy as social escort (that’s another long story)… Heh!
On a whim, we went to Citigem (the jeweler with the Fiona Xie and Jo Peh ad) to look at diamonds. It was quite hilarious coz I was quite determined to go “con” a bottle of mineral water out of Citigem.
The whole objective was to pretend that we’re a couple and that I’m trying to make him buy a diamond ring for me. This part is like so easy to act man… haha… just be myself. Ha! So I happily tried out a number of really nice diamond rings, throwing “hints” at him in front of the sales person, asking bout the discount prices etc. while both of us were “um chio-ing” (silently smirking) at our little play.
In the end, I got my mineral water! Haha! That was all to it.
Really dumb thing to do, but in the end I think doing small, stupid, silly, spontaneous things like that with good friends can be quite amusing.
I think I miss being silly.
=)
Before I forget, if you’re interested in my online photo album, check out picturesintheclouds.blogspot.com
Cheerios!
According to JY, if she does what I do, she’ll never have long hair. *bleahz* Sickening…
I was/am trying to keep the hair long again… it’s been a while since I had long hair.
Quite a couple of “unlucky” things happened today. In Biz canteen, this gunk of dunno what filth just dropped down from the ceiling on my head. Was black and sticky and damn gross…
Then on the way to town, I was kinda spaced out and tripped while going up the bus. Scrapped my forearm and the irritating guy behind (part of an irritating couple with the girl yaddering on and on in this high pitched noise from the NUS bus stop) made this sarcastic comment: “woah… relax”. I felt like turning around and glaring at him plus kicking him in the ****s but I was just too zonked out to react. Just passively walked away… Can’t believe it… ha… losing my edge.
Having consecutive bad luck happen to you, my first reaction was to call someone up to complain and to be soothed. But well, I’m glad I didn’t. Coz at the end of the day, I realized that though bad things can happen to me, there can be many good things that happen as well.
Like today, met up with HD. Went for dinner which I paid more!!! Haha! I must state this lah… not coz I’m stingy or anything, but coz HD’s the one who spoilt me. I used to feel very awkward when people treat me; but HD, such a nice friend, always insisting on paying. So now, I’m so used to having him pay. Tsk tsk…he spoil the market rate for everyone else… I also think it’s not good. (to rely on men to pay…loses the independence of the modern contemporary woman)
But the main point is that, I had fun hanging out with him today. Though he sorta played out his fantasy as social escort (that’s another long story)… Heh!
On a whim, we went to Citigem (the jeweler with the Fiona Xie and Jo Peh ad) to look at diamonds. It was quite hilarious coz I was quite determined to go “con” a bottle of mineral water out of Citigem.
The whole objective was to pretend that we’re a couple and that I’m trying to make him buy a diamond ring for me. This part is like so easy to act man… haha… just be myself. Ha! So I happily tried out a number of really nice diamond rings, throwing “hints” at him in front of the sales person, asking bout the discount prices etc. while both of us were “um chio-ing” (silently smirking) at our little play.
In the end, I got my mineral water! Haha! That was all to it.
Really dumb thing to do, but in the end I think doing small, stupid, silly, spontaneous things like that with good friends can be quite amusing.
I think I miss being silly.
=)
Before I forget, if you’re interested in my online photo album, check out picturesintheclouds.blogspot.com
Cheerios!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
0 comments
I’m really living moment to moment today. First of, I’m really thankful that I got an extension for my essay, plus Dr John was really kind about it. I really couldn’t get any work done this morning… another one of those 200 words in 2 hours days.
With the super mood swings and all, I’m falling back on my be-occupied-every-moment strategy. Thanks a mil to JY for being on call. =) I call and make her talk to me. Babe, I hope I’ll be there for you like you are for me one day. Wait… take that back. That was a curse. Ha! Hope you’ll never need me like I need you…
Gonna be writing a lot these few days to direct my mind at something else. I think once I keep things within me, I tend to brood and magnify the issue. Then things start to take mutative proportions. Kinda like how the dark can make perfectly innocuous things cast big, scary shadows.
Just crossed my mind that I really am very talkative. *grinz* Talking to think, talking to divert my attention, babbling on and on… yak yak yak…
Let’s see how this work: assume that I talk because I feel uneasy. This reflects a lack of inner peace within. Therefore, when would I know I’m senang-diri (at ease) with someone? When there’s companionable silence…
But then again, imagine being with your soul-mate and keeping silent for the next 60 years… Hmm… yucks.
Oh yea, and did you realize that by analyzing my last statement, you can find out how old I intend to live and how old I wanna get married. Haha!
Life/ Lively index on the rise now!
With the super mood swings and all, I’m falling back on my be-occupied-every-moment strategy. Thanks a mil to JY for being on call. =) I call and make her talk to me. Babe, I hope I’ll be there for you like you are for me one day. Wait… take that back. That was a curse. Ha! Hope you’ll never need me like I need you…
Gonna be writing a lot these few days to direct my mind at something else. I think once I keep things within me, I tend to brood and magnify the issue. Then things start to take mutative proportions. Kinda like how the dark can make perfectly innocuous things cast big, scary shadows.
Just crossed my mind that I really am very talkative. *grinz* Talking to think, talking to divert my attention, babbling on and on… yak yak yak…
Let’s see how this work: assume that I talk because I feel uneasy. This reflects a lack of inner peace within. Therefore, when would I know I’m senang-diri (at ease) with someone? When there’s companionable silence…
But then again, imagine being with your soul-mate and keeping silent for the next 60 years… Hmm… yucks.
Oh yea, and did you realize that by analyzing my last statement, you can find out how old I intend to live and how old I wanna get married. Haha!
Life/ Lively index on the rise now!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, April 11, 2005 |
0 comments
I imagine that when my child quits the pacifier, I would be one of those moms who will use the “you’re a big boy now, can’t use the pacifier anymore” line.
I imagine that my child will feel guilty, for longing for the familiar feel of the pacifier in his mouth. For thinking of the warmth that the teat gains in his mouth as you suck on it. For having the pacifier hanging from his shirt front, always ready for a good suck.
Because he is all grown up now and shouldn’t want anything that is infantile.
I imagine this is what it feels like to have out grown play-time but still longing for the toy.
I imagine that my child will feel guilty, for longing for the familiar feel of the pacifier in his mouth. For thinking of the warmth that the teat gains in his mouth as you suck on it. For having the pacifier hanging from his shirt front, always ready for a good suck.
Because he is all grown up now and shouldn’t want anything that is infantile.
I imagine this is what it feels like to have out grown play-time but still longing for the toy.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, April 11, 2005 |
0 comments
This is so wrong. I'm getting worse instead of getting better... I need to get a grip on my mind again.
Mind over matter.
Mind over heart.
Logic over emotions.
Will over whim.
Mind over matter.
Mind over heart.
Logic over emotions.
Will over whim.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Monday, April 11, 2005 |
0 comments
Dear readers of my blog,
I suspect I'll be blogging a lot more often now that the reasons that stopped me from putting up my thoughts to share are no longer there.
Plus you know how I always need to have someone around to talk to? And when I don't I talk to myself? Therefore, unless the whole world surrounds me with love, affection and attention 24/7, I think I'll be talking to myself a fair bit.
I'm like one of those psychos on TV who talk to themselves.
"What shall we do now? We have exams!"
L to Y: How?
Y to L: I dunno... i think we're screwed.
LY (interjects): Don't think crazy thoughts lah.
L: Yea! How bout thinking of the holidays!
Y: Shit... what to do now?
L: work?
Y: spare time?
All: We hate being in this kind of time-wrap limbo.
LY: remember diving?
L: Oh yea?
Y: Shit... I still wanna do it.
All: post it on the blog... post it on the blog...
Okay, think that's enough. Lest you call IMH and make an appointment for me. But seriously, I've been wanting to go diving for ages! Anyone wanna go with me?
Short holiday too?
*big pleading eyes*
and normie says I can't act innocent for the life of me. I think it's true. I can't fake some stuff...
(on a totally random side note, most women fake O at some pt... I think that's an act of love. U love your guy enough to make sure he doesn't feel like he's some lousy piece of shit... any comment on that? Haha!)
I suspect I'll be blogging a lot more often now that the reasons that stopped me from putting up my thoughts to share are no longer there.
Plus you know how I always need to have someone around to talk to? And when I don't I talk to myself? Therefore, unless the whole world surrounds me with love, affection and attention 24/7, I think I'll be talking to myself a fair bit.
I'm like one of those psychos on TV who talk to themselves.
"What shall we do now? We have exams!"
L to Y: How?
Y to L: I dunno... i think we're screwed.
LY (interjects): Don't think crazy thoughts lah.
L: Yea! How bout thinking of the holidays!
Y: Shit... what to do now?
L: work?
Y: spare time?
All: We hate being in this kind of time-wrap limbo.
LY: remember diving?
L: Oh yea?
Y: Shit... I still wanna do it.
All: post it on the blog... post it on the blog...
Okay, think that's enough. Lest you call IMH and make an appointment for me. But seriously, I've been wanting to go diving for ages! Anyone wanna go with me?
Short holiday too?
*big pleading eyes*
and normie says I can't act innocent for the life of me. I think it's true. I can't fake some stuff...
(on a totally random side note, most women fake O at some pt... I think that's an act of love. U love your guy enough to make sure he doesn't feel like he's some lousy piece of shit... any comment on that? Haha!)
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 10, 2005 |
0 comments
What I know I should do has finally been done. After the moment of relief, there was a whole lot of poignancy, and now… it’s a funny feeling I don’t know how to describe. Regret? Loneliness? Sadness?
I dunno dude, I can just say that it is a funny feeling. Maybe uneasiness is a better word…
Time to be surrounded by friends again! =) Like I often say, “Life has a wonderful way of working out” so…
I’ll hop on the bus, forget about us… la la la la la….and tie a yellow ribbon round the old, oak treeeeeeeeeeeee!
I sound nuts. Halfway there most likely…
Oh, remind me of my resolution can? Made a couple of months ago to not be romantically involved with anyone until I sort myself out and become a better person. I better not forget that again, or I’ll just grow progressively crazier and crazier… and in the process, drag other people through the mud.
Tsk tsk… such a horrible, naughty girl. Deserves to be smacked…
Learn to trust people.
Learn to love myself.
Ok, enough rambling. The people who know and who are supposed to know will know by now…
I dunno dude, I can just say that it is a funny feeling. Maybe uneasiness is a better word…
Time to be surrounded by friends again! =) Like I often say, “Life has a wonderful way of working out” so…
I’ll hop on the bus, forget about us… la la la la la….and tie a yellow ribbon round the old, oak treeeeeeeeeeeee!
I sound nuts. Halfway there most likely…
Oh, remind me of my resolution can? Made a couple of months ago to not be romantically involved with anyone until I sort myself out and become a better person. I better not forget that again, or I’ll just grow progressively crazier and crazier… and in the process, drag other people through the mud.
Tsk tsk… such a horrible, naughty girl. Deserves to be smacked…
Learn to trust people.
Learn to love myself.
Ok, enough rambling. The people who know and who are supposed to know will know by now…
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Sunday, April 10, 2005 |
0 comments
While humoring Walter Lim, i.e. doing my EN3221 English Renaissance essay, I attained this epiphany. (see? It pays to do your homework)
*grinz* ok, so the choice of word is a wee little too exaggerated. But it dawned upon me that I’ve been harboring unrealistic expectations. But let me back track a little to the Renaissance essay.
I was making a point that John Donne’s devotional lyrics seem more anxious than Herbert’s because they are more intellectual. I quote myself:
*ahem*
“I would suggest that Donne’s anxieties regarding God’s love are in part the result of his human frailty. In trying to explain and to theologize God’s love, Donne not only detaches the emotive aspects of love from his perception of God’s love but also limits the potential of His love to the parameters of what he is able to imagine.”
Guess this brings across two dimensions of human emotions. There is a logical side and an emotional side. Now, for example I might know that eating will make me fat. But when faced with that shiny piece of foil-wrapped chocolate that twinkles at you, for you; and knowing very well that beneath the dark bitter covering layer of chocolate, there’s a rich, creamy filling chock-full of nuts waiting for you…
*droolz* I just have to eat it.
That’s the emotional part, the part of us that defies logic.
How many times have I made an analytical decision only to do something, only to end up doing something that’s the exact opposite.
That’s the issue of self contradiction. Walt Whitman says: (so did my msn nick)
“Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”
I’ve mentioned somewhere before that I’m multifaceted. So, being always very kind and indulgent to myself and my human failings, I embrace the contradictions? Hmm… (*pause* merciless self evaluation will stop here today for this topic, lest I digress…too much)
Anyway, returning to the point I was trying to make. There’s this particular decision that I’ve made that is largely based on an emotional reaction. Therefore, in the course of sticking to that decision, I realized that like Donne, when trying to theologize on something abstract, a lot of anxieties and questions are unavoidably evoked. Then I recall my decision when I made that decision that I decided (haha… my vocab’s bad) to just screw what I think and… feel.
I forgot.
To some, this would be another instance of self-contradiction. I wouldn’t say I lie, coz that’s the underlying wrong of self-contradiction, but perhaps due to the fact that I’m a verbal and emotional being, I express what I feel at a particular moment; which, should never be taken as gospel truth.
Let me illustrate: If I say that you’re an ass,
It may very well be that I think that you’re an ass now. Tomorrow, when you publish a paper on the laws of Quantum Physics or something of that sort, I won’t say that you’re an ass any more.
Coz when external circumstances change, what you see and think changes too.
So, we need some stabilizing force to anchor us. Like gravity… Or the severity of a situation.
In case you think that I’m making excuses for myself. Let me just quantify… this is what I think at this very moment of writing k? Lest it be said that I’m hypocritical when I say something else when I see you…
At the end of the day, I don’t think I’ve said anything at all.
Hah!
*grinz* ok, so the choice of word is a wee little too exaggerated. But it dawned upon me that I’ve been harboring unrealistic expectations. But let me back track a little to the Renaissance essay.
I was making a point that John Donne’s devotional lyrics seem more anxious than Herbert’s because they are more intellectual. I quote myself:
*ahem*
“I would suggest that Donne’s anxieties regarding God’s love are in part the result of his human frailty. In trying to explain and to theologize God’s love, Donne not only detaches the emotive aspects of love from his perception of God’s love but also limits the potential of His love to the parameters of what he is able to imagine.”
Guess this brings across two dimensions of human emotions. There is a logical side and an emotional side. Now, for example I might know that eating will make me fat. But when faced with that shiny piece of foil-wrapped chocolate that twinkles at you, for you; and knowing very well that beneath the dark bitter covering layer of chocolate, there’s a rich, creamy filling chock-full of nuts waiting for you…
*droolz* I just have to eat it.
That’s the emotional part, the part of us that defies logic.
How many times have I made an analytical decision only to do something, only to end up doing something that’s the exact opposite.
That’s the issue of self contradiction. Walt Whitman says: (so did my msn nick)
“Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”
I’ve mentioned somewhere before that I’m multifaceted. So, being always very kind and indulgent to myself and my human failings, I embrace the contradictions? Hmm… (*pause* merciless self evaluation will stop here today for this topic, lest I digress…too much)
Anyway, returning to the point I was trying to make. There’s this particular decision that I’ve made that is largely based on an emotional reaction. Therefore, in the course of sticking to that decision, I realized that like Donne, when trying to theologize on something abstract, a lot of anxieties and questions are unavoidably evoked. Then I recall my decision when I made that decision that I decided (haha… my vocab’s bad) to just screw what I think and… feel.
I forgot.
To some, this would be another instance of self-contradiction. I wouldn’t say I lie, coz that’s the underlying wrong of self-contradiction, but perhaps due to the fact that I’m a verbal and emotional being, I express what I feel at a particular moment; which, should never be taken as gospel truth.
Let me illustrate: If I say that you’re an ass,
It may very well be that I think that you’re an ass now. Tomorrow, when you publish a paper on the laws of Quantum Physics or something of that sort, I won’t say that you’re an ass any more.
Coz when external circumstances change, what you see and think changes too.
So, we need some stabilizing force to anchor us. Like gravity… Or the severity of a situation.
In case you think that I’m making excuses for myself. Let me just quantify… this is what I think at this very moment of writing k? Lest it be said that I’m hypocritical when I say something else when I see you…
At the end of the day, I don’t think I’ve said anything at all.
Hah!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Saturday, April 09, 2005 |
0 comments
1 down and 9 more to go!
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 07, 2005 |
1 comments
In a way, I’m still the idiot I am. In the car this morning, my dad made yet another comment that considering how bright I am at certain things, when it comes to some stuff, I’m repeatedly stupid.
I didn’t respond to that so that I won’t give myself away. That’s smart right?
We all know how the cliché goes, that with each experience, we live and learn. I totally buy that, and in my interaction with people, whether I feel good or not, I have tried to find out what is it that I need to improve on.
I’ve tried to be open-minded and learn. That’s good right?
But somewhere along the way, some information or lessons taught come pretty hard. Especially when they deal with who you are essentially. Recently, I’ve been told some stuff about myself, some of them have not been concretized into words, you know how it is? To have impressions on your mind yet to be formed into words…
So yea, I’m a quitter. When things don’t go my way, I quit.
I have blinkered vision. I fix my eyes on limited areas, usually on the negative.
Also, that I’m a liar.
I’m, to be very kind to myself, contradictory. I claim to believe in some things only when they’re to my benefit.
…
The list goes on.
I’m sitting here wondering, should I be grateful that my flaws have been pointed out to me?
Or perhaps I should react like some people I know who turn the tables around and snap at the person who made these comments. Accuse them back? (I won’t… I try to be non-confrontational)
Should I defend myself? But I won’t coz I have a very strong and vibrant guilt complex. Somehow, I’ll find some way for the accusations to fit. It’s quite unhealthy to some people, but well, what can I say? For the sake of self-improvement…
Then I think… did other people see these in me but never told me? Do I live with indulgent friends or with people who don’t dare to speak their mind to me? Am I that hard to love and to live with?
Increasingly, I find it hard to live with myself.
The thinking question of the day is: Are you unhappy because of your environment or because of yourself?
I didn’t respond to that so that I won’t give myself away. That’s smart right?
We all know how the cliché goes, that with each experience, we live and learn. I totally buy that, and in my interaction with people, whether I feel good or not, I have tried to find out what is it that I need to improve on.
I’ve tried to be open-minded and learn. That’s good right?
But somewhere along the way, some information or lessons taught come pretty hard. Especially when they deal with who you are essentially. Recently, I’ve been told some stuff about myself, some of them have not been concretized into words, you know how it is? To have impressions on your mind yet to be formed into words…
So yea, I’m a quitter. When things don’t go my way, I quit.
I have blinkered vision. I fix my eyes on limited areas, usually on the negative.
Also, that I’m a liar.
I’m, to be very kind to myself, contradictory. I claim to believe in some things only when they’re to my benefit.
…
The list goes on.
I’m sitting here wondering, should I be grateful that my flaws have been pointed out to me?
Or perhaps I should react like some people I know who turn the tables around and snap at the person who made these comments. Accuse them back? (I won’t… I try to be non-confrontational)
Should I defend myself? But I won’t coz I have a very strong and vibrant guilt complex. Somehow, I’ll find some way for the accusations to fit. It’s quite unhealthy to some people, but well, what can I say? For the sake of self-improvement…
Then I think… did other people see these in me but never told me? Do I live with indulgent friends or with people who don’t dare to speak their mind to me? Am I that hard to love and to live with?
Increasingly, I find it hard to live with myself.
The thinking question of the day is: Are you unhappy because of your environment or because of yourself?
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 07, 2005 |
1 comments
This week is a week full of screw ups.
I screwed up my work.
I screwed other people up.
I screwed up.
Coz I forgot that I’m a screwup.
There are so so so many issues and conflicts within me… too much, too complex and perhaps too dark to air in a platform like this. But like I tell my mom: don’t let your reasons be your excuses.
So now, I’m standing here. Kinda bare and naked… waiting, anticipating the first slash of the whip to hit me.
In a way, scouring and pain are self-purifying.
I screwed up my work.
I screwed other people up.
I screwed up.
Coz I forgot that I’m a screwup.
There are so so so many issues and conflicts within me… too much, too complex and perhaps too dark to air in a platform like this. But like I tell my mom: don’t let your reasons be your excuses.
So now, I’m standing here. Kinda bare and naked… waiting, anticipating the first slash of the whip to hit me.
In a way, scouring and pain are self-purifying.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Tuesday, April 05, 2005 |
0 comments
I've got no time to post coz I have:
Presentations: 1 down, 1 more to go (yet to present but my part of the powerpoint is done)
Tests: 2
Essays: 4 (1200+2500+1500+2000)
Within 3 weeks...
That makes me super stressed. This is on top of the normal daily crisis that I have to handle.
*hyperventilate*
I'll be busy till the day before the reading week...
:'(
Presentations: 1 down, 1 more to go (yet to present but my part of the powerpoint is done)
Tests: 2
Essays: 4 (1200+2500+1500+2000)
Within 3 weeks...
That makes me super stressed. This is on top of the normal daily crisis that I have to handle.
*hyperventilate*
I'll be busy till the day before the reading week...
:'(
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Friday, April 01, 2005 |
1 comments
