Was actually contemplating leaving the blog significantly unposted today. But figured, there’s no need to add to the melodrama. There is already enough excitement generated already… and as I always say, I’m a pacifist. =)
First things first:
Dafunkmusik, there’s a conspiracy theory that you wrote THE evil comment and then directed everybody’s attention to it. I trust you would like to defend yourself? If you’re shy, just drop me a sms or msn msg (yeow01@hotmail.com) k? I’m not angry at you for lurking around my tagboard. =) *hugz* ;p
Speaking of conspiracy theories, I heard a couple this morning that made me sit up and raise my eyebrow (if I could) at the level of creativity young people have these days.
a) that I put the evil comment up myself to generate site traffic. I must say… NO! crazy… I may be just that teeny weenie itsy bitsy delusional but I’m not schizophrenic… yet.
Haha!
b) that one of my friends put up that evil comment and then later responded to show support. In reply to that, I’m just amazed that someone out there goes through so much trouble to prove that he/she is my friend. I feel sooo superstar! So loved… *awwww* Darling, next time just tell me straight k? Or buy me a present. I’ll love you too.
Haha!
Anyway, let’s just leave the matter to rest. From henceforth, I’m giving evil commenter the benefit of the doubt. I shall assume that he (no female will write that) was momentarily agitated at the disrespect shown to his grand and noble sex (by sex I mean whether you are a boy-boy or a girl-girl. Not whether u have that dangly bit. Coz masculinity is a social construct. By the by, my parenthesis is developing into a paragraph, maybe I should start inserting footnotes into my essay long entries but I can’t help it…Just had to throw in this nugget of sociological trivial…hee.) and was taken away in his flood of good intentions and typed without thinking in detail about his diction and syntax. So, peace ya?
And in L’s defense, this part will be a real “huh?” bit to most people coz not many people even know who L is. But to those suspicious ppl out there, if the guy says it’s not him, then it’s not him lah. Cut some slack k?
Lastly, the best thing that came out of this incident is that as strong-man says, I have a very good cushion of friends around. Thanks darlings for speaking up for me. It’s really nice to know you all, and to count you gals (sld I count fuzzybunny? He was too mildly sarcastic in comparison… hmm…) and… guys as friends. Thank God for friends!
Ok. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to new stuff!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So today, being Wednesday, I went to do that thing which I said I’ll do. (Scroll down a bit if the ‘saga’ has robbed u of other recollections) Hee… It’s nothing much really, just made an appointment to meet up with this lady who does some counseling.
The main point is, I’m feeling much better now. She helped me see a lot of things into perspective. I won’t go into details but there’s this rather interesting bit that relates to the male bashing thing which I think was timely revelation.
You see, I belong to this generation of kids where our parents still had dim hopes that their first-born would be a son. My dad is not an exception. It’s not like he would have drowned me or turned my face down into the mud when he spotted the pink bundle the nurses held out to him. He merely took his time to come and visit me. To be specific, he only came to see his first born daughter the next day after work. But according to sources that embarrass dad, he rushed down immediately to see his younger son. *bleahz* (Anyway, I forgive him for that act of insensitiveness. Hee!) To be fair, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my dad’s the man who loves me most on earth. But the thing is, his hope never really died but lingers around haunting me.
So since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be a boy. In order to win my dad’s love, I have to show that I can be just as good as any guy. As an aside, I have to say that before I had breasts, I was quite successful as the “tomboy”. I made it a point to swim faster, climb higher, score better and engage in more daring aka naughty stunts than the boys around me cos in addition to wanting to be a boy, but I had to be better than the boys. The problem is, at the end of the day, rather biological: I am not and never will be truly guy.
This competitive streak to win someone’s love extends to a great many areas of my life as well. Subconsciously, I have to be something to win someone. Be it the funniest, the sweetest, the most fun or the grand love of your life. Being myself is never good enough. And the destructive part is, if I can’t win this game, then I’d rather pull out and not play by your rules.
I realize today that this has to change. I have to see that I’m developing relationships, so henceforth, I will endeavor to enjoy someone for who they are and let them enjoy me and my company just as it is. It sounds soooo cliché and simple but the challenging part is always in the execution.
But I’m glad that it has been highlighted to me that the change is also gradual. It takes a lot of time to undo 22 years of one’s life. First, I’ve gotta prioritize what’s important and “just do it”. (see how even my resolution is task oriented? This is my instinctive way of perceiving things! Ai ai…)
It would be a lifelong process. So, as long as I blog and as long as you read, I sure hope that my mood elevation is not a temporary high. Rather, I hope that as you read more about my thoughts, joys and struggles, you’ll sense my growth and hopefully, one day in the distant future, what I write today would be documentation for another wounded soul that changes are possible.
Keep me in prayer yea?
*smilez*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a brighter note, I finally have broadband at home! Yea!!!
*confetti*
Plus I have wireless at home, which means I can surf at high speed in my room! Double Yea!!!
*more confetti*
Plus lots of hopping and prancing around in jubilation. Hee..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an even more luminous note, S (my mentor) and B are getting married!
And I’ve been tasked to think of ideas for the wedding invitations, wedding favors and guest books!
Oh! So fun!!
The theme is “A heavenly match on earth” and the color theme is a grayish blue. If anyone has any bright ideas, drop a comment k?
I’m so excited about it, there’ll be an engagement party in June and I’ve got enough time after exams to get into shape for the new dress! (which I haven’t bought but will go and source) Haha!
Their marriage will soooo be a great one! Can’t wait for the wedding already!
And it’s not even mine!
*heh*
Okie, that’s bout all for today. It’s so far…1259 words… haha… there’s like a 15% essay! =) if you didn’t bother to read through everything and just scrolled to the end, let me summarize for your benefit:
Today’s great. Tomorrow will be better and good things happen to me too!
=D
First things first:
Dafunkmusik, there’s a conspiracy theory that you wrote THE evil comment and then directed everybody’s attention to it. I trust you would like to defend yourself? If you’re shy, just drop me a sms or msn msg (yeow01@hotmail.com) k? I’m not angry at you for lurking around my tagboard. =) *hugz* ;p
Speaking of conspiracy theories, I heard a couple this morning that made me sit up and raise my eyebrow (if I could) at the level of creativity young people have these days.
a) that I put the evil comment up myself to generate site traffic. I must say… NO! crazy… I may be just that teeny weenie itsy bitsy delusional but I’m not schizophrenic… yet.
Haha!
b) that one of my friends put up that evil comment and then later responded to show support. In reply to that, I’m just amazed that someone out there goes through so much trouble to prove that he/she is my friend. I feel sooo superstar! So loved… *awwww* Darling, next time just tell me straight k? Or buy me a present. I’ll love you too.
Haha!
Anyway, let’s just leave the matter to rest. From henceforth, I’m giving evil commenter the benefit of the doubt. I shall assume that he (no female will write that) was momentarily agitated at the disrespect shown to his grand and noble sex (by sex I mean whether you are a boy-boy or a girl-girl. Not whether u have that dangly bit. Coz masculinity is a social construct. By the by, my parenthesis is developing into a paragraph, maybe I should start inserting footnotes into my essay long entries but I can’t help it…Just had to throw in this nugget of sociological trivial…hee.) and was taken away in his flood of good intentions and typed without thinking in detail about his diction and syntax. So, peace ya?
And in L’s defense, this part will be a real “huh?” bit to most people coz not many people even know who L is. But to those suspicious ppl out there, if the guy says it’s not him, then it’s not him lah. Cut some slack k?
Lastly, the best thing that came out of this incident is that as strong-man says, I have a very good cushion of friends around. Thanks darlings for speaking up for me. It’s really nice to know you all, and to count you gals (sld I count fuzzybunny? He was too mildly sarcastic in comparison… hmm…) and… guys as friends. Thank God for friends!
Ok. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to new stuff!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So today, being Wednesday, I went to do that thing which I said I’ll do. (Scroll down a bit if the ‘saga’ has robbed u of other recollections) Hee… It’s nothing much really, just made an appointment to meet up with this lady who does some counseling.
The main point is, I’m feeling much better now. She helped me see a lot of things into perspective. I won’t go into details but there’s this rather interesting bit that relates to the male bashing thing which I think was timely revelation.
You see, I belong to this generation of kids where our parents still had dim hopes that their first-born would be a son. My dad is not an exception. It’s not like he would have drowned me or turned my face down into the mud when he spotted the pink bundle the nurses held out to him. He merely took his time to come and visit me. To be specific, he only came to see his first born daughter the next day after work. But according to sources that embarrass dad, he rushed down immediately to see his younger son. *bleahz* (Anyway, I forgive him for that act of insensitiveness. Hee!) To be fair, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my dad’s the man who loves me most on earth. But the thing is, his hope never really died but lingers around haunting me.
So since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be a boy. In order to win my dad’s love, I have to show that I can be just as good as any guy. As an aside, I have to say that before I had breasts, I was quite successful as the “tomboy”. I made it a point to swim faster, climb higher, score better and engage in more daring aka naughty stunts than the boys around me cos in addition to wanting to be a boy, but I had to be better than the boys. The problem is, at the end of the day, rather biological: I am not and never will be truly guy.
This competitive streak to win someone’s love extends to a great many areas of my life as well. Subconsciously, I have to be something to win someone. Be it the funniest, the sweetest, the most fun or the grand love of your life. Being myself is never good enough. And the destructive part is, if I can’t win this game, then I’d rather pull out and not play by your rules.
I realize today that this has to change. I have to see that I’m developing relationships, so henceforth, I will endeavor to enjoy someone for who they are and let them enjoy me and my company just as it is. It sounds soooo cliché and simple but the challenging part is always in the execution.
But I’m glad that it has been highlighted to me that the change is also gradual. It takes a lot of time to undo 22 years of one’s life. First, I’ve gotta prioritize what’s important and “just do it”. (see how even my resolution is task oriented? This is my instinctive way of perceiving things! Ai ai…)
It would be a lifelong process. So, as long as I blog and as long as you read, I sure hope that my mood elevation is not a temporary high. Rather, I hope that as you read more about my thoughts, joys and struggles, you’ll sense my growth and hopefully, one day in the distant future, what I write today would be documentation for another wounded soul that changes are possible.
Keep me in prayer yea?
*smilez*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a brighter note, I finally have broadband at home! Yea!!!
*confetti*
Plus I have wireless at home, which means I can surf at high speed in my room! Double Yea!!!
*more confetti*
Plus lots of hopping and prancing around in jubilation. Hee..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an even more luminous note, S (my mentor) and B are getting married!
And I’ve been tasked to think of ideas for the wedding invitations, wedding favors and guest books!
Oh! So fun!!
The theme is “A heavenly match on earth” and the color theme is a grayish blue. If anyone has any bright ideas, drop a comment k?
I’m so excited about it, there’ll be an engagement party in June and I’ve got enough time after exams to get into shape for the new dress! (which I haven’t bought but will go and source) Haha!
Their marriage will soooo be a great one! Can’t wait for the wedding already!
And it’s not even mine!
*heh*
Okie, that’s bout all for today. It’s so far…1259 words… haha… there’s like a 15% essay! =) if you didn’t bother to read through everything and just scrolled to the end, let me summarize for your benefit:
Today’s great. Tomorrow will be better and good things happen to me too!
=D
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Thursday, April 21, 2005 |
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