Sometimes I think I’m too exciting for myself.
Nah, I’m not referring to that mundane existence that is conventionally termed my life. (How could I be pretentious when I am ever so aware of my limitations?) I refer to the myriad of emotional ups and downs that my psychological state of mind puts me through, which seriously alarms me at times.
I move from neutral to bad to better and swing onto something bad again. After which, I’ll mull on it a little and draw some conclusion, quite sure that the subconscious is sending out a coherent message to me, usually something negative about yours truly.
And then I wonder if I’m too hard on myself or if I really am so screwed up. Assuming the later, then am I screwed up coz I am either inherently so (living in the fallen world and all) or that individuals around me either benevolently or maliciously mess up my mind. Ah!
So many questions and no answers.
But well… what’s new? As usual, my own tirade is getting frustrating. Really, the fact that one can get extremely pissed off and disgusted at one’s emotional journey is quite a feat I would say. *tadah!* When the evening star sets i.e. at the end of the day, I would really like to discover some tried and tested, fool-proof solution to attain the elusive state of “zen” that since ages long ago, when giants roamed the land, when men could speak to animals (blah blah) that heroes from lands afar have sought.
Ah, but you see, I have gone around the bush or the Indian palm tree without illuminating my point. On a digressive digression, sidetracking is above par the best way to (what else?) distract your mind. I swear my mind has a mind of its own! It’s so easily susceptible to the mind games! The worse thing being, it plays with itself! ARGH!
I have a film paper at 5pm later. I have NOT completed watching all the films. I have NOT read all the readings. I have NOT read the textbook chapters. I have NO idea why I’m typing this instead. *boo hoo hoo*
This is crazy. Yesterday, I was super stressed bout the paper coz all the other people taking the module seem to be some aspiring film critic or something. Even though I guessed some of what they say might be all style and no substance, it totally freaked me out. So this morning, I made XX calculate my CAP for me and took comfort in the fact that I can score 2.25 (bout a C average) and still maintain my 2nd lower. Which in a way was liberating and comforting coz it takes away all expectations to do well… fatalistic and pathetic it might be as a reason.
But as I was just wandering about the vast sea of library shelves, I thought bout my conversation with XX: That in essence, that there are things which I regret not coz I feel very strongly about it, nor coz I think I made a mistake but more due to an awareness that I never made an effort to fight for it…I did not bother to try. It struck this chord in my heart, stirring up certain dregs in my memory that on retrospect, fit together.
Retrospect… it makes sages out of fools.
It all falls into place suddenly. The regret that surfaces every once in a while these days and the seeming resignation to not doing well for my paper all points to the fact that yea, I do have things too easy in life.
You know why? It is not because I have not faced difficulties and adversities. I have. But I think a large part of me refuses to fight battles that I can’t win. That ugly competitiveness rears its head letting out this roar of victory that is not within the pitch-range of my ears is at it again.
If I can’t win you, I would rather not want you. In this way, I would never lose. Never have to face the humiliation of failure. Never have to risk my efforts nor my heart. Never have to have the fact that I’m not good enough spat in my face.
I disqualify myself.
In the calm of the ravaged battlefield, I stand victorious against losing, drafted into the camp of quitters.
Nah, I’m not referring to that mundane existence that is conventionally termed my life. (How could I be pretentious when I am ever so aware of my limitations?) I refer to the myriad of emotional ups and downs that my psychological state of mind puts me through, which seriously alarms me at times.
I move from neutral to bad to better and swing onto something bad again. After which, I’ll mull on it a little and draw some conclusion, quite sure that the subconscious is sending out a coherent message to me, usually something negative about yours truly.
And then I wonder if I’m too hard on myself or if I really am so screwed up. Assuming the later, then am I screwed up coz I am either inherently so (living in the fallen world and all) or that individuals around me either benevolently or maliciously mess up my mind. Ah!
So many questions and no answers.
But well… what’s new? As usual, my own tirade is getting frustrating. Really, the fact that one can get extremely pissed off and disgusted at one’s emotional journey is quite a feat I would say. *tadah!* When the evening star sets i.e. at the end of the day, I would really like to discover some tried and tested, fool-proof solution to attain the elusive state of “zen” that since ages long ago, when giants roamed the land, when men could speak to animals (blah blah) that heroes from lands afar have sought.
Ah, but you see, I have gone around the bush or the Indian palm tree without illuminating my point. On a digressive digression, sidetracking is above par the best way to (what else?) distract your mind. I swear my mind has a mind of its own! It’s so easily susceptible to the mind games! The worse thing being, it plays with itself! ARGH!
I have a film paper at 5pm later. I have NOT completed watching all the films. I have NOT read all the readings. I have NOT read the textbook chapters. I have NO idea why I’m typing this instead. *boo hoo hoo*
This is crazy. Yesterday, I was super stressed bout the paper coz all the other people taking the module seem to be some aspiring film critic or something. Even though I guessed some of what they say might be all style and no substance, it totally freaked me out. So this morning, I made XX calculate my CAP for me and took comfort in the fact that I can score 2.25 (bout a C average) and still maintain my 2nd lower. Which in a way was liberating and comforting coz it takes away all expectations to do well… fatalistic and pathetic it might be as a reason.
But as I was just wandering about the vast sea of library shelves, I thought bout my conversation with XX: That in essence, that there are things which I regret not coz I feel very strongly about it, nor coz I think I made a mistake but more due to an awareness that I never made an effort to fight for it…I did not bother to try. It struck this chord in my heart, stirring up certain dregs in my memory that on retrospect, fit together.
Retrospect… it makes sages out of fools.
It all falls into place suddenly. The regret that surfaces every once in a while these days and the seeming resignation to not doing well for my paper all points to the fact that yea, I do have things too easy in life.
You know why? It is not because I have not faced difficulties and adversities. I have. But I think a large part of me refuses to fight battles that I can’t win. That ugly competitiveness rears its head letting out this roar of victory that is not within the pitch-range of my ears is at it again.
If I can’t win you, I would rather not want you. In this way, I would never lose. Never have to face the humiliation of failure. Never have to risk my efforts nor my heart. Never have to have the fact that I’m not good enough spat in my face.
I disqualify myself.
In the calm of the ravaged battlefield, I stand victorious against losing, drafted into the camp of quitters.
cLoUd DriFteD bY @ Wednesday, May 04, 2005 |
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